Gal: We’ll have to get the funds together and have those holes removed.

Guy: What about the toilet? Should I leave it there?

Gal: …No… I don’t think the crew would appreciate having to climb a rope to use it. (Feels a disturbance in the Force) Huh? *Gasps* Uh… Mike-san? Who let them in?

(Mike, dressed like a carpenter, with a thick belt of tools around his waist, turns and spots the audience, does a double take and then turns his back to the crowd.)

Mike: Oh man… They’re really real…

(Arianna [the girl, for anyone not paying attention] turns towards the audience, smiling nervously. She holds her clipboard behind her head.)

Arianna: Oh, ha ha ha! ^.^ So they are!

Mike: Do something… *Nervously* Get rid of them…

Arianna: *Growling through her smile* What do you want ME to do?

Mike: You’re dressed for it. Look at me, I look like a Super Mario brother…

(Mike whirls and the two face the audience together.)

Arianna: What an unexpected surprise!

Mike: Completely!

Arianna: We weren’t expecting anyone here today!

Mike: Nor did we ask anyone to…

Arianna: *Glare* Anyways, uh… welcome to the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! I'm Arianna, and this is my stagehand, employee, and humble manservant, Mike!

Mike: I hope you wiped you feet before coming in.

Arianna: *Large glare* Tonight… ah… we have a very, um… special! Performance for you!

Mike: *Gawk* Um… Arianna-dono… *Through a false smile* What are you doing?

Arianna: *Through an equally false smile* They came to see a show. We have to give them one.

Mike: Are you nuts?

Arianna: What do you suggest we do?

Mike: We don't have a script ready!

Arianna: You're a writer, write one!

Mike: You talk like it's sooo easy... Not that it's above my abilities of course... *Rubs fingernails on chest*

Arianna: How humble of you.

Mike: Anyways, we don't have any actors here... willing or otherwise.

(Akane Tendo walks onto stage, carrying two mugs of something that's steaming.)

Akane: Hey guys, you looked so busy I thought I'd bring you some hot chocolate.

Arianna: Oh, thank you. (Both she and Mike take a cup)

Mike: (Sniffs the cup) Did you make this?

Akane: Oh no, I didn't have time to, I just made some instant chocolate.

Arianna: Oh, thank you, Akane. (Raises the cup to her lips.)

Akane: *Beaming smiles* I even found some marshmellows to add to it!

(Arianna pauses, looks into her mug, goes deadpan, then digs out a small round, white pellet.)

Arianna: Um... Akane, dear? This is a mothball.

Akane: Oh? But I'm sure they were marshmellows.

Arianna: Maybe someone's playing a prank on you?

Akane: That must be it!

(Both girls laugh, but there's a nervous tinge in Arianna's laughter. Mike takes a sip of his and coughs it up.)

Mike: WAAGH!

Arianna: Mike?

Akane: What's the matter, is it too hot?

Mike: (Wipes lip) That's strange... I've never cut myself on hot chocolate before...

Akane: Do you want me to go get you some napkins?

Arianna: For Mike? He's fine, say, Akane.. (Puts an arm around her) ...Are you the only one here?

Akane: Huh? Oh, no, Ranma's here, too, he's waiting for me.

Arianna: Oh really? Anyone else? Please speak up.

Akane: But Mike looks like he's bleeding kind of bad.

Arianna: Don't worry about him he's a big boy.

Mike: I think there's rust in the wound...

Akane: Well, I think I saw a few others nearby. Why? Are we going to start rehearsing for a new play?

Arianna: Um... more like... improvisational theatre. Yes. Yes that will do. Why don't you go get Ranma and the others, real quick, pretty please?

Akane: Um... okay... (Akane heads off stage)

Arianna: What luck... we might be able to pass this off as a play after all... sure the set's a little... decorative... but we're not discouraged, right Mike-san?

Mike: I need a tetianus shot...

(He starts to walk off but Arianna nabs him by his overalls.)

Arianna: Oh no, you can't go now! I need a scriptwriter! Quick, get on your typesetter or whatever and get me a fairy tale! My reputation is at stake here!

Mike: But my jaw will lock up...

Arianna: That wouldn't be so bad, you're kind of cute when you're quiet. So, just walk it off later! (Shoves Mike off stage, then addresses the crowd) Now then, um... sorry about the delay, but we're just having a few tecnical difficulties that'll be taken care of presently. In the meantime, um... make yourselves comfortable, relax, maybe visit our concession stand, and um, don't look up, it's bad luck to in a theatre, so we can't be held responsible for anyone who gets hit in the head by falling debris. And please, if any of you are safety inspectors, remember there's a two for one deal on ju-jubes in the lobby. Thank you, and we'll just be a moment...

(Arianna hurries off stage. Fifteen minutes later, after much shouting is heard from off stage, the curtains falls, and the sounds of hustle and bustle are heard behind the curtain. A moment later, Arianna, looking stressed out and dusty, steps into the spotlight which flickers annoyingly.)

Arianna: Good evening, everyone! Thank you for waiting, and thanks to the paramedics already here in seats five and seven in the "G" row for their help with the ceiling fan incident a few minutes ago. And in a totally unrelated matter, we've chosen a lucky winner for our nightly prize! To the man who was sitting in seat three in row "B", we'll be sending you a free transcript of tonights play, I'm sure it'll help with a speedy recovery while you're in the hospital! Now, tonight's play is a story steeped in the old world, in an age of heros and witches, of forbidden love and strange monsters of unusual proportions!

Voice offstage: This progam contains scenes of bad acting and improper use of vital wordly resources, and should not be viewed by anyone lest is be somehow dignified in doing so...

Arianna: Hush. Our play tonight is also fairing a bit of my own creative expertise that you're sure to enjoy...

Voice offstage: We weighed the options of this being clever or just stupid... And we went ahead with it anyway.

Arianna: *Stares offstage* Are you done?

Voice offstage: Don't expect me to stop until I get lockjawed.

Arianna: I have glue. Lots of glue.

Voice offstage: ... I've decided to be quiet.

Arianna: He's a good boy. Now, tonight, starring as the hero in this delightful play of love and fantasy...

(Ranma wanders onto stage, hands in his pockets, looking bored.)

Ranma: Yeah yeah...

Arianna: Akane Tendo!

Ranma: *Deadpan* What?

(Akane wanders onto stage dressed in travelling clothes with a sword at her side.)

Ranma: Akane is the main character?

Akane: There's nothing wrong with that. What's wrong with that?

Ranma: Hey, no skin off my back, I'll be in the lobby if you need me.

(Arianna grabs him by the ear)

Ranma: Ow! Hey leggo!

Arianna: Don't you worry your pretty, pig-tailed head off over it, Ranma. You're still in the play! I just wanted to put you in a different role that would let me show off all the darling outfits I've been meaning to dress a male character in! (Plays with his face like it's silly puddy)

Ranma: The hairs on my neck just stood up.

Arianna: It must be excitement. Offstage please. (Shoves him out of sight) Now, Akane Tendo will be playing the lead as the Heroine, in tonight's Anything Goes Theatrical Presentation of the Tinder-Box! Enjoy!

(Curtain rises to show a rather rushed-looking set, supposedly it's a forest, though some of the trees are apparently a lumberworkers dream of being nothing but pre-cut planks of wood nailed together. In the center is a large, ugly tree, with a large hole near the top of the fat, ugly trunk. A path runs along side it, and following it is the Hero, Akane.)

Narrator: (The irrepresible Arianna) Once upon a time in the realm of Poorscriptopia... (Sounds the name out slowly) ...Mike, hon? We'll talk afterwards, 'kay?

Voice: Next time YOU write the script in fifteen minutes or less, Miss The-show-must-go-on-for-my-own-reptuation.

Narrator: Hmph! I'm not talking to you. Ahem! Once upon a time in the realm of Poorscriptopia, a noble, brave, and handsome young lad... Mike! Akane's the lead, not Ranma!

Voice: I thought you weren't talking to me.

Narrator: (Pouting voice) Miiiike...

Voice: *Sighs* You're the creative director, why are you letting script errors get the better of you?

Narrator: ...You're right. Now then... A compassionate, independant, and beautiful young lass came travelling through a forest, left, right, left, right, when she happened to meet a strange old woman!

(Mousse steps out from behind the tree, dressed in old rags, without his glasses, and faces the tree.)

Old Lady: I'm a guy, you know.

Old Man: That's better. Well there, young lass, why are you wandering these woods all alone?

Heroine: Um... I'm over here...

(The old man squints at the tree, then turns towards the Heroine.)

Old Man: Sorry, they won't let me use my glasses. For realism.

Heroine: Awfully thoughtful of them considering the set looks like a carpenter's nightmare. (Shakes head) I'm just passing through these woods, and what are you doing out here all alone, old man?

Old Man: Oh, I am in a terrible trouble, my daughter has been kidnapped by ninjas!

Narrator: Mousse, that's not in the script...

Old Man: I wouldn't be having this trouble if you'd let me keep my glasses! (Pulls out recently photocopied script, the ink is smudged rather badly.) Um... Oh... I've been trying to get into this old tree, there's a cake inside of it, you see-

Narrator: Cave inside...

Old Man: Cave inside of it, you see, a cave with three loons-

Narrator: Rooms.

Old Man: Rooms, rooms that contain all the riches you could ever defile!

Narrator: DESIRE!

Old Man: Is it too late to back out of this?

Narrator: YES.

Old Man: Darn.

Heroine: All the riches I could ever desire? But why do you tell me? Why don't you claim them for yourself?

Old Man: I'm too old and flail...

Narrator: Oh I give up.

Old Man: ...To climb in myself, my poor old bones would never survive such a task, but you look like a heavy adventurer, and does the thought of all the cold you could ever want not tempt you?

Heroine: I would like a few coins, if only to fix my old boots. But surely you must want something? Do you wish for money as well?

Old Man: Oh no, no... I have no fish for money, there is only one thing, a small kinderegg...

Narrator: TINDERBOX.

Old Man: But it says here kinderegg.

Heroine: It said that on my script, too.

Narrator: Miiike!

Voice: Feeling a little... woozy over here...

Narrator: Oh nevermind. You know what it is it's a tinder-box, please don't do this to me.

Old Man: Fine, a tinder-box. A little tinderbox left to me by my dear departed babysitter.

Narrator: *SIGH*

Old Man: If you bring the tinder-box to me, I will be very grated. In return you may have all the mold you want from the cave.

Heroine: Um... thank you? Okay, I'll get your tinder-box back.

Old Man: Wait a moment, before you go down there, take this apron with you (hands her a carpet sample) it is magic, you know. When you go down into the cave, there will be three rooms...

Heroine: You mentioned that already.

Old Man: I'm just following the script! There will be three rooms, one filled with copper coins, one filled with silver coins, and one filled with gold coins. But guarding each room is a terrible monster, that will attack you if you try to take any of the coins, but do not be afraid, simply pick up the monster and place it on this magical apron... carpet sample... and they will not attack you. You can fill your pockets with as much as you want.

Heroine: All right, I'm going then.

Old Man: You're a dear soul for helping an old map in need, here, tie this rope around your waist, when you are done, mug the rope and I will pull you cup.

Narrator: He was reading so well a moment ago... Oh! AND SO the old man tied the rope to the heroine's waist and she climbed up the tree and down into the cave below!

(The curtain falls and something that sounds like a soundtrack from a horror film starts up, buzz saws and pounding nails punctuated by the occasional scream. When the curtain rises we see a make-shift cave built out of the parts of an old bomb shelter set with flashlights duct taped to the walls as torches.)

Voice: *Sigh* My World War II set...

Narrator: The heroine descended deep down into the earth, but when she set foot upon solid ground she found herself in a... gi-normous cave? Um... and in this cave, she saw several torches lighting the cave, leading deep into the darkness. (To herself) I wish we could have used real torches but this place might explode with open flame... (Openly) Bravely, the heroine ventured deep into cave, following the torches, until she discovered deep in the earth three mysterious rooms! The brave heroine, unafraid, ventured into the nearest room, and lo and behold she found herself surrounded by a wealth of copper coins, but guarding the coins was a horrible monster, a... um... woman... with... ugh... shoulderpads the size of saucers!

(Ukyo sits on a chest in a room filled with old pennies probably gathered from around the theatre in jars, wearing a pair of saucers over her shoulders.)

Ukyo: Hey! I'm not a horrible monster! Why am I even doing this!? This sucks!

Narrator: Just play along, alright? It's not like you had to dress up like a dog or anything.

Monster with shoulderpads the size of Saucers (herein refered to as Monster1): I look like a jackass!

Narrator: Look, you wouldn't use gigantic eyes like the original story called for, remember? Dogs with big eyes? So we're going girls with big shoulderpads.

Voice: It was that or bikini tops.

Monster1: *Groan* I see your point.

Narrator: The heroine was a little afraid, but not much. She went to take some of the gold, when she remembered the warning the old man had given her...

Heroine: Oh right, I'd better put you on this magic... carpet sample.

(The Heroine pics up Monster1 and puts her on the carpet sample.)

Monster1: Careful! I have a delicate fanny!

Heroine: Oh brother...

Narrator: Now then, after putting the monster onto the apron, the heroine began to fill her pockets with copper, for even though she merely wanted to fix her old boots, the thought of having some money for a hot meal and a place to sleep also tickled her fancy. After filling her pockets up, the heroine put the monster back onto the chest, took the apron, and continued her search for the old man's tinderbox, and she stepped into the second room, and was amazed when she found herself standing in a room filled to the brim with glittering silver coins, and guarding those coins was another monster, more horrible than the first, this one with... huh... shoulderpads the size of dinner plates!

(Shampoo sits on a pile of poker chips hastily spraypainted, looking annoyed with a pair of dishes sitting on her shoulders.)

Monster2: Shampoo is very mad doing this.

Narrator: The hero was a bit afraid, but that did not stop her. She looked about the room, and was delighted when she saw the tinder-box sitting amidst the piles of silver. She went to pluck it up, but common sense kept her from doing so, for she feared the monster might attack her. So she took the magic apron and set the monster upon it.

Monster2: No tomboy girl in clothes like that touching Shampoo, she do it herself. (Sits on the apron.)

Heroine: Fine, be that way.

Narrator: The heroine took the tinderbox and set it in her vest pocket, but as she did so, she looked deeply at the silver around her. Silver was far better than copper, after all, and would buy her better meals, she could have her boots fixed, and still have money left over for other things, perhaps a new set of clothes. So, the heroine quickly emptied her pockets of the copper coins and began filling her pockets with silver. She filled her pockets up so much that she felt a bit heavy, but not so much that she could not climb back up out of the tree. She set the monster back and took her apron. Now that she had the tinder-box and the coins, the hero was about to leave, but then she thought about the last room, and the old man's words that it might contain gold. Her greed seemed to get the better of her, and she eagerly ventured into the third and final room, where lo and behold she did indeed see a room stuffed with all the gold she could ever want in life, guarded by a horrible monster, more horrible than either of the others, with shoulderpads the size of watermelons!

(Kodachi sits in a room filled with gold-colored packing peanuts, with a table before her, and Sasuke is delicately cutting open one of the aformentioned watermelons and serving expertly cut slices to his mistress, who eats the picnic fruit with the ettiquite and dutiful gentleness of a snobbish noble, cutting the fruit with a knife and depositing dainty bites of it in her mouth. The other watermelon has apparently become some form of wine that has filled a large glass and bottle.)

Narrator: You... ate the watermelons...

Monster3: You could not possibly expect one of my delicate physique to heft such burdens? It goes against all of my noble upbringing.

Narrator: You ATE the watermelons!

Sasuke: We didn't eat both of them, one was used to make wine! (Thinks a moment) Please don't hurt me mistress Arianna!

Narrator: Oh don't be silly. I'm not going to hurt you.

Voice: I on the other hand...

(Sasuke flees)

Narrator: What'll I do about replacement shoulderpads, Mike?

(A suit of football armor rolls onto the stage.)

Kodachi: You couldn't possibly...

Narrator: Oh look, a small dark violet dairy, someone must have carelessly left it in her room during a moment of vulnerability when the security system switches codes and is suseptible to carefully timed EMP pulses...

Kodachi: You wouldn't dare!

Narrator: Dear Diary... I am feeling in adequate about my weight today, I ordered Sasuke to run fifteen laps early this morming but I felt no change in mass. Also, I am finding it difficult trying to find proper skin tones to hide this hideous, hideous mole on my-

Kodachi: Enough! I will burden this terrible violation! (Spotlight casts down on her) Oh but that I, a delicate and beautiful flower, forced in the blossom of my youth down such wretched paths to a life of shameful slavery, working under the cruel lashings of uncaring masters...

Narrator: Just read what's in the script and no one gets hurt!

Voice: That's a matter of opinion.

(Kodachi reluctantly slips on the footbal armor and sighs, looking victimized and ashamed, but more or less bored.)

Monster3: Woe, woe is me...

Narrator: Why don't you put this much acting effort into your acting? Oh nevermind. Where was I? Oh, right. The hero was dreadfully afraid of the monster, but she was very tempted by the gold, she could be the wealthiest person in all the lands with such that gold! So, she took out her apron and hefted the monster onto it...

(The heroine lifts Monster3 up with kicks and squirms.)

Monster3: Unhand me! Unhand me you wicked brute! Oh my darling Ranma save meeee!

Heroine: Don't you ever shut up?

Narrator: Once the monster was on the apron, the heroine quickly emptied her pockets of the silver and stuffed them full to bursting with gold coins, and only when she felt she could carry no more did she stop. She placed the monster back ...

Monster3: Ranma... Ranma sweetums please save me from her filthy claws!

Heroine: You're like a two-year old!

Narrator: ...and then walked back to the cave entrance.

Heroine: Hey, old man! Are you there!

Old Man's Voice: I'm beer! Did you bring the tinder-box?

Heroine: Yes, I have it! Pull me up!

Narrator: And so the old man gave a tug, and with a bit of effort, he managed to pull the heroine up from out of the cave and the hole in the tree!

(The heroine lands on the old man.)

Heroine: Whoops, sorry.

Old Man: You're... *groan* heavy...

Heroine: It's just the gold in my pockets!

Old Man: (Muttering) Those are just packing peanuts...

Heroine: *Glare* What did you say?

Old Man: Did you bring my precious tinder-box?

Heroine: Yes, I have it. Just... why do you want this old tinderbox anyways? What use is it to you?

Old Man: It is just an errorloom, it was given to me by my sister now give it to me!

Heroine: Tell me what you mean to do with it or I'll cut off your head with my sword!

Narrator: Ew... Mike that's gross...

Voice: That's how the story goes. Fairy tales are violent.

Old Man: That is none of your concrete! Just give me the tinder-bucks!

Narrator: So with a mighty swipe of her sword, she fired her machine gun at the old man... but he dodged Matrix-style and swing his lightsabre at her? Mike what is all this? There's a lot of explosions in this part of the script.

Voice: I thought the old tale could use some modern twists.

Narrator: And just how long does this... "Hero vs. Witch: Super Hyper Director's Cut Championship Edition 2 Turbo X scene" go on?

Voice: I lost count at three pages.

Narrator: You filled the script with a four page battle scene!? When you should have been writing me a fairy tale!?

Voice: Actually there's two more, one of them's in a bar...

Narrator: I'm confiscating all your John Woo movies after this.

Voice: But Arianna...

Narrator: No buts! (Flips through script) Here we go, okay. And with a mighty swipe of her chainsaw- SWORD, I meant SWORD, she slew the mean old man, for he was really a witch, and ran out of the forest as fast as she could, weighted down with as much gold as she had.

(Curtain falls and rises to show a fancy room, fancy being a liberal term for hurridly constructed, odd looking attempt at a three dimensional space.)

Voice: Man, we didn't even get to the fight in Cloud City when the Hero learns the old witch is her father...

Narrator: (To block out Mike) AFTER SHE HAD RAN FOR SOME TIME, the hero came to the city of Mylipreallyhurtsville... (long pause) After many hours of running, the heroine was tired and hungry, and she went to the nearest inn and rented the best room, on the top floor of the inn. She had the innkeepers wife make her a delicious feast and spent the night drinking to her own fortunes. The next day, the heroine set out to make good on her desires. She had the local cobbler fix her boots to excellent condition, then had tailors fashion her a wonderful suit of all the most expensive and pretty silks in the land. She ate only the finest foods that day, and tasted all that the rich life had to offer. She went to the theatre, drove in the king’s garden, and gave a great deal of money to the poor, which was very good of her; she remembered what it had been in old times to be without a shilling. Now she was rich, had fine clothes, and many friends, who all declared she was a fine fellow and a real lady, and all this gratified her exceedingly. But her money would not last forever; and as she spent and gave away a great deal daily, and received none, she found herself at last with only two shillings left. So she was obliged to leave her elegant rooms, and live in a little garret under the roof, where she had to clean her own boots, and even mend them with a large needle. None of her friends came to see him, there were too many stairs to mount up. One dark evening, she had not even a penny to buy a candle; then all at once she remembered that there was a piece of candle stuck in the tinder-box, which he had brought from the old tree, into which the old witch had helped her. She found the tinder-box, but no sooner had he struck a few sparks from the flint and steel, than the door flew open and the monster with shoulderpads as big as saucerplates, whom she had seen while down in the tree, stood before her.

(Puff of smoke appears from bed, Monster1 falls from celing and lands on the table.)

Monster1: Oow! You jackass you were supposed to drop me on the bed!

Heroine: Wh- what are you doing here?

Monster1: Um... oh right, my lines... um... What orders, master?

Heroine: I...

Narrator: The heroine thought quickly, and realized that the tinderbox was magic, and it had brought the monster before her.

Heroine: I... command you to bring me some money!

Narrator: With that, the monster bounded out, moving like the wind-

(Monster1 is yanked off stage with a rope, there is a crash from offstage.)

Narrator: -only to return a moment's breath later...

(Monster1 is yanked back on stage, where she is sporting a bruise on her head and a dazed look on her face with an old bag in her hands.)

Narrator: With a bag of copper coins in her hands!

Monster1: Here you go... heh-heh... *Collapse*

Narrator: The heroine soon learned the magical powers of the tinderbox. A single strike would summon the monster who guarded the copper coins, two strikes would summon the monster who guarded the silver coins, and three would summon the monster who guarded the gold coins. Now that she had money, the heroine returned to her elegant rooms, and her beautiful clothing, and her friends all reappeared, and made as much of her as before.

(Curtain falls again, and raises to show a noble party undertaking. Fanciful dressed maniquins stand about, hurriedly dressed and posed, some are missing limbs and heads. The heroine walks among them, dressed in a beautiful dress.)

Narrator: Now, one night, on mid-summers eve, the king invited all the wealthy in the city to join him on the day of her son's birthday into manhood, and the beautiful heroine was among them, enjoying the highlife, when she saw a sight that held her faster than all the gold in the world...

Heroine: You can't be serious...

(Ranma steps onstage from the right, dressed more or less like a toy soldier, with a sword at his side and a bright red suit with gold trimming.)

Narrator: (To the side) Doesn't he look just dashing? I think he looks dashing.

Voice: Like a nutcracker prince. Or just a nut.

Narrator: Oh hush. This was the Prince, dashing and handsome and brave in his own right, a boy who had lived all his life in royalty but yearned inwardly for the simple life of adventuring and dreaming, as the heroine had, long ago. The sight of the Prince, politely refusing offers to dance with snobbish girls or talk of being wealthy or rich, filled the heroine with a rekindled feeling for the love of simpler things, of the beauty of moonlit nights and the dreams of being with such a handsome lad...

Voice: Hoo-boy. Like syrup. Thick and sappy.

Narrator: Shh! I'm enjoying this. The heroine dearly wanted to know the Prince, she fell in love with him the moment she laid eyes on him-

Heroine: What? What is this? Me, fall in love with him?

Prince: Yeah, what's the big idea, I feel like a jerk in this outfit, now your saying I gotta be some kind of lovey-dovey dork over her?!

Heroine: You don't need that outfit to be a jerk!

Narrator: Don't fight! Don't fight! It's not that bad... c'mon, just play along.

Heroine: Absolutely not!

Prince: Yeah, I didn't agree to this.

Narrator: No... I'm loosing them. What do I do, Mike?

Voice: . . .

Narrator: Right, wrong person to ask. Oh shoot. This is the one redeeming quality of this crazy half-wit production, I didn't think it'd get this good from improvisation and what not... can't you guys just act it out, just for the sake of the play? Pretty please?

Heroine: ...I guess we could.

Prince: Yeah, just 'cause you asked. Not like I'd put up with this junk for just anyone.

Narrator: *Glee* Okay... okay... Um... what's next... Right! The heroine was deeply in love with him, but her heart sank when she learned the king was deeply protective of his son, for he had heard that her son would marry a common soldier, and he would not allow this. The heroine was distraught, not all the money in the world would change the fact that she was not a princess, and because Disney films didn't exist in this land, the heroine never thought of using her riches to pretend she was royalty.

Voice: Ala Aladdin. Heh. Street rat.

Narrator: The heroine thought of the prince for many days, standing on the balcony and staring at the tall copper castle of the king, with it's tall walls and towers. Sitting alone in her room, after a delightful came of solitare... um... the heroine desperately wanted to see the prince again, and then she remembered the tinderbox. Taking a match, she struck the tinderbox twice, and with a POOF, the monster with shoulderpads the size of dinnerplates appeared!

(Monster2 walks in, tossing aside a rope that was meant to drop her onto the set.)

Monster2: Shampoo is no stupid, you is no dropping her through table! Now, what pervert tomboy girl want?

Heroine: *Straining* I want you to go and bring the prince to me, I wish to see him again. But do not wake him!

Narrator: And like the wind the monster flew out into the night, and when it returned, the prince was lying asleep on the monster's back!

(Monster2 runs off stage with a little too much enthusiasm and returns with the prince in a tight glomp.)

Monster2: Oh Ranma! You is Shampoo's prince! This best part in whole play!

Heroine: Hey! You're supposed to be sleeping, Ranma!

Prince: Leggo! Argh!

Narrator: *False cheerfulness* Stay in character... *Threateningly* Please...

(The room is quite for a moment, then Monster2 sets the Prince on the bed, and he feigns being asleep.)

Narrator: The heroine fell in love with the prince all the more that night, and she admired him as he slept, wondering what kinds of dreams he was dreaming. Before dawn, the heroine had the monster with shoulderpads the size of dinnerplates return the prince to the castle, before he could wake up. Every night for a week the heroine brought the prince to her home, so she could watch him dreaming, until one night, she dared to give him a kiss on his cheek...

Prince: Hey, waitaminute! I didn't sign on for that!

Narrator: But it's in the script...

Prince: There's no way I'm kissing nobody! You hear me?

Narrator: *Pouting* But... it's in the script...

Prince: So what?

Heroine: Oh don't whine so much, Ranma. What hurt would a little kiss do?

(Wind whistles by despite the presence of a fully functaional ventilation system to prevent it.)

Voices offstage: No! I won't! I won't allow it!

(Kodachi, Shampoo and Ukyo all tromp on stage, trying to be held at bay by Mike, who is fighting a loosing battle, though he is keeping them from simply stampeding.)

Kodachi: Ranma-snookums! Resist her evil, wicked ways! Your lips are meant for me and me alone as you confessed to me that lovely fire-lit night...

Prince: I didn't say nothin' like that! Don't talk like that!

Shampoo: Shampoo no let you take Ranma away from Shampoo, Akane!

Ukyo: You can't have him!

Mike: I can't hold 'em! Ow! No biting! OW! My lip's bleeding again!

Kodachi: Ranma is mine!

Shampoo: Shampoo here first!

Ukyo: Both of you back off, I knew him first!

(They start fighting. The ensuing dustball battle makes its way off stage.)

Mike: Geez... children.

Narrator: Um, Mike-san? Off-stage. Now.

(Mike wisely ducks off stage.)

Narrator: Okay. Go ahead. Coast is clear.

Prince: I dunno...

Heroine: Oh don't be so scared. It's just a kiss. Not like it's a marriage vow.

Prince: (Turns a pretty shade of fuscia.) Yeah, but... I mean... isn't that... kinda... won't people say stuff?

Heroine: It's just a play.

Prince: (Now he's more a cardinal red.) Well, it doesn't have to be real for a play, you know... I mean it's not like this is even a very good play...

Heroine: Just lie down and take it like a man.

Prince: (Hurts to look, he's so red) I...

(The heroine gives him a shove and he lies down on the pillow, twitching nervously.)

Heroine: Ready when you are.

Narrator: *Waffy glee* Until one night, she dared to give him a kiss...

(The theatre is quiet as a tomb. The heroine hovers over the prince's face, who twitches, probably suffering from a dream inspired by turret's syndrome. She leans in close, and the prince reaches the point of his dream where he's in a body cast after a white water rapids accident and cannot move but is trapped in a tense position. The heroine leans in closer... and closer...)

Narrator: . . .

Voice: . . .

Audiance: . . .

(The heroine gives the prince a quick kiss on the cheek and stands up, hands on her hips. The prince tenses for some kind of aftershock, then opens one eyelid.)

Prince: That's it?

Heroine: What? You think I'd kiss your lips?

(The tension seems to drian out like so much liquid plumber from the room.)

Voice: Oh well. Maybe next time.

Narrator: *Gleeful to the point of bursting like a berry* Ooooi...^.^

Voice: Um... Ari-dono? The play?

Narrator: *Still berry-bursting gleeful* So warm... and fuzzy...

Voice: It wasn't that big a deal. Ahem. Sweaty spandex-wearing wrestlers.

Narrator: EW! What are you talking about?

Voice: The play, dear. Finish the play.

Narrator: Oh, okay. Um... The heroine gave the prince a kiss, and then the monster whisked him back to his castle. But the kiss left a lasting feeling on the Prince, and even when he awoke that morning he felt it on his cheek. He told this to his mother the queen, a story of a beautiful woman in his dreams who watched him as he slept at night. The queen, a highly suspicious woman of questionable financial success who did not like her son's flirts with the fantasies of travelling and daydreaming, wondered if perhaps there was more to her son's nightly reoccuring dreams than simple mental instability. She ordered her servant to watch her son at night, hidden in the closet, to see what would happen. That night, as the prince fell asleep, the servant girl watched from the closet...

(Kasumi, the servant girl, sits in the closet of the prince's room, which is really just the heroine's room due to a lack of interest in changing sets.)

Servant girl: Oh my, I don't think it would be very nice of me to watch Ranma while he slept.

Narrator: It's just a play. Don't worry about it he really isn't sleeping. Unless he is. Maybe Akane's kiss put him to sleep.

Prince: (With eyes closed) With those sandpaper lips?

(A book finds its way to Ranma's head)

Voice offstage: Jerk!

Narrator: Anyways, the servant girl stayed with the prince, watching him all night. Just before dawn rose up, the girl was amazed when a monster with shoulderpads the size of borrowed football armor jumped in through the window, and whisked the prince away without waking him!

(Nothing happens for several moments.)

Voice: Um... Kodachi is a bit indisposed.

Prince: Oh nevermind I'll do it myself. (Leaps out the window.)

Narrator: . . . The servant girl followed the monster as it carried the prince through the city, apparently royal servant girls have supernatural powers that allow them to follow monsters that move like the wind. Anyways, she followed the monster through the city, and saw it disappear into one of the homes. Knowing she could not face whoever was inside alone, she took out a piece of chalk and marked the door with an X. That way the next morning the authorities could come and arrest whoever was kidnapping the prince each night. After marking the door, she hurried to quickly tell the queen.

Servant Girl: Oh my, marking the door. How clever...

Narrator: However, as she left, the heroine bade the monster to return the prince to the castle before sunrise, and as the monster left it spotted the X. Fearing for it's master's safety, the monster took it's own piece of chalk and marked every door in the city with an X, so that when the servant girl led the queen's guard into the city, she did not know which house hid the person responsible for kidnapping the prince. But the queen was a very clever woman. Taking her gold scissors, she cut a piece of silk into four squares, and fashioned a delicate bag she hung from the prince's neck, which she filled with buckwheat flour. She poked a hole into the bag, which would trail the flour as the prince went. That night, the heroine, dearly wishing to see her beloved prince again, sent one of the monsters to fetch the prince, and the monster did not notice the delicate line of flour that trickled from the bag. The next morning, the guards followed the trail to the heroine's home and arrested her...

(Curtain falls, and moments later rises, the scene changed to the gallows in the royal courtyard, with the manniquins from the earlier party scene standing about. The heroine stands in the composer's pit, which is a makeshift prison.)

Narrator: ...and placed her in prison. The guards said to her, "To-morrow you are to be hanged." This was dire news, as the heroine had left her tinderbox at the inn. The next morning, as people gathered near the gallows for the hanging, the shoemaker's boy, who's father was quite friendly with the heroine, but not in that way, was stepping past the iron grating of the heroine's prison cell.

(Ryoga walks past the prison, and the heroine grabs his ankle.)

Heroine: Shoemaker's boy! You needn't be in such a hurry, for nothing will happen without me. But if you run to the inn where I have been living, and bring me my tinder box, I will give you four shillings!

Shoemaker's Boy: What? Akane? What are you doing down there? What's going on?

Narrator: Ryoga, you're the shoemaker's boy!

Voice: No he isn't. Sasuke was. He fled.

Narrator: Oh phooey, just run off the stage, Ryoga, we're in the middle of something!

Ryoga: In the middle of what? Why's Akane dressed like that? What're all these people doing staring at me and laughing?

Narrator: Oi...

(Mike runs up on stage and tackles Ryoga. They fly off stage and disappear, a reverberating crash comes from the musical instrument storage closet.)

Narrator: The shoemaker's boy dearly loved the idea of recieving four shillings, and so he fetched the heroine's tinderbox and brought it to her. And now we see what happened. As the heroine was brought out to the gallows, the king and queen sat upon beautiful thrones to watch.

Queen(Nabiki): *Sigh* King Kuno-baby, another hanging? This is so boring.

King(Guess): Silence, lady queen, can you not see that I am about to be wed to the fair Akane- *Thwap!* Bah! Dare you strike the head of Tatewaki-

Queen: Quiet, Kingy.

King: *Grumbling* I will auspiciously permit you to be my queen. But only until I am allowed to double date with- *Thwap!* Dah!

(The heroine stands on the gallows with a noose around her neck.)

Heroine: Wait! Is a last request not allowed for poor criminals about to die?

King: Ah, she wishes to confess her love to me!

Queen: (Hits him with her keep-the-king-in-line scepter.) Quiet, dear.

Heroine: I wish only to smoke my pipe, for it will be the last I ever smoke in this world.

King: I refuse, smoking is not a dignified habit for a lady!

Narrator: As horribly wrong as it sounds I have to agree. Can't you do something else that involves fire?

Heroine: Like what?

Narrator: I don't know... oh phooey, it's too late anyways. The king could not refuse the heroine's request, and so the heroine took out her tinderbox and struck it once, twice, three times, and there before her appeared all three monsters!

(All three "monsters" drop down from the rafters, collapse through the gallows, but jump up onto the hanging floor and stand around the heroine.)

Heroine: Save me from being hanged!

Narrator: This part is just icky... and then the monsters jumped on the judges and councillors, and grabbed them by the legs and by the nose, and threw them many feet into the air, so that when they came back down they were dashed to pieces. (The monsters begin flinging manniquins)

King: I will not be touched!

Narrator: But the largest monster grabbed the king, as well as the queen, and flung them very high into the air after the others, and the soldiers and city people were afraid, and they said "Good heroine, you shall be our queen, and marry the handsome prince!" So they placed the new queen in the royal carriage, and the monsters ran ahead of her crying "Hurrah!" and the boys whistled through their fingers, and the soldiers presented arms. The prince came out of the copper castle and was made king, which was very pleasing to him. The wedding festivities lasted a whole week, and the monsters sat at the table, all staring with their... um... shoulderpads. The End.

(The curtain falls, and Arianna appears before it, looking a little flustered but proud of herself. Mike pushes his way out from under the curtain and stands beside her, holding a cloth to his lip.)

Arianna: Phew. We survived.

Mike: . . . (Mutters under his breath)

Arianna: Well, I'm happy with how things went. Sure it wasn't perfect, but what is these days Ooo... ^.^ I loved the kissing scene. It was so wonderful.

Mike: . . .

Arianna: Don't you have anything to say, Mike-san?

Mike: (Turns to the crowd) We are so sorry. So very, very sorry.

Arianna: *Glower* You're just being a grouch.

Mike: You wanted this.

Arianna: I couldn't send them home emptyhanded, what kind of showwoman would I be?

Mike: There's no shame in admitting you weren't ready.

Arianna: That's not the point! Better to have tried and failed than to have never tried.

Mike: Easy for you to say, you didn't come out of this with bodily injury.

Arianna: And you're an angel for doing all that work for me. Thank you.

Mike: Hrmph.

Arianna: Aww, come here, you big baby. Lemme see.

Mike: No. You'll just make it worse.

Arianna: Don't be so silly, let's see.

Mike: No! Get back, I don't want you... improvising surgery! Especially not on me!

Arianna: I'm not gonna hurt you now come here! (Headlocks him) Hold still!

Mike: Ack! Choking...

Arianna: It doesn't look that bad. We should run some hot water over it though. Come on, I'll get you a fresh bandage. (Drags him off)

(The theatre lights go out.)