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[The curtain goes up]
Arianna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre. Today's performance will be an updated version of the classic tale, 'Sleeping Beauty'.
[There is a loud groan from somewhere offstage]
Arianna: In the role of Sleeping Beauty/Rose, we have the lovely Ranma Saotome.
Ranma: What?! You can't do this to me!
Arianna: Well, the name is 'Rose'. With your pretty red hair, you fit the part best.
Ranma: [mumble grumble]
Arianna: In the part of the prince, we have Tatewaki Kuno...
[There is a loud crash and several muffled curses, then Ranma-kun barrels on stage]
Ranma: Alright! Casting me as Sleepin' Beauty is ONE thing, but there's NO way I'm gonna let that idiot anywhere near me when I'm not awake to defend myself!
Arianna: [apathetically] Don't worry, Ranma, we'll take care of you. In the roles of the three fairies, we have Ukyo Kuonji, Shampoo and Akane Tendo as Tree, Flower and Skye.
Ranma: [Raises his eyebrows] Tree, Flower and Skye? That's just a rip-off of Flora, Fauna...
Arianna: [smiles brightly] Shut up, Ranma.
Ranma: [snickers] I'll bet Akane's 'Tree', right?
[Akane's voice from offstage] Ranma, you JERK!
Soun: [To Genma, out of Arianna's hearing] Doesn't she usually put Akane and Ranma together?
Genma: Yes, old friend. We'll have to do something about this...
Arianna: [unaware of Soun and Genma] The parts of the king will be played by Soun Tendo because he looks most like him. ^_^ The part of the queen will be played by Kasumi Tendo and the part of Maleficent will be played by Nabiki Tendo.
Nabiki: [rolls her eyes] Gosh, thanks a lot.
Kasumi: Oh my, how nice. ^_^
Arianna: Ready, you guys? Ok, let's go! [Curtain drops. There is rustling and jostling behind it, then it goes up again.]
Narrator (Arianna): Once upon a time, there was a king and queen in a land of unspecified location and population. [Kasumi and Soun both wave happily] When they had a daughter, there was a huge celebration and the whole kingdom attended, including the three good fairies.]
[Ukyo and Shampoo step onstage. Each is wearing a flattering, silky dress. Ukyo's is green and Shampoo's is pink. Akane follows. Her dress is actually a blue tutu, complete with tulle fairy wings. She is scowling]
Ranma: MmphGufphm!! [Drops his face into his arms. His shoulders are shaking. Akane scowls at him.]
Ukyo (Tree): Hello, highnesses. My gift to the princess will be a gift of talent! She will be a skilled martial artist and always have a healthy appetite! [Points her wand at the cradle. There is a loud 'poof' and a cloud of green smoke emanates from the tip.]
Shampoo (Flower): Flower's gift be one of beauty for little girl! She have full bust, tiny waist, clear complection and pretty red hair! [Points her wand at the cradle. There is a second poof and an even bigger cloud of pink smoke fills the room. As it clears, Akane steps forward.]
Akane (Skye) [Reluctantly]: My gift will be-
[The door is thrown open suddenly] Not so fast!
All: *Gasp* Maleficent!
Nabiki (Maleficent): [smiling] So you all remember me, then. [a bird flies in and lands on her staff]
Flower: [facefault] Mousse? How Mousse get role of evil bird?
Maleficent: Quiet. This was the best I could find. *ahem* Anyway, I TOO have a gift for the princess! On the eve of her seventeenth birthday, she will prick her finger on the thorns of a black rose and die. [Pauses] My, my, that IS pretty evil, isn't it. Well, ta-ta. [walks out of the castle]
Queen: Oh, my! What shall we do?
Skye: *siiigh* Don't worry. I'll fix it. The princess won't die, she'll just fall into a deep sleep that'll last for a hundred years...[pauses] Do we have that long?
Narrator: Hmm...maybe try the simplified version.
Skye: K. She'll fall into a deep sleep, and will only be awakened by a kiss. Ok?
King and Queen: [nod]
Skye: K. [Points her wand at the cradle. Nothing happens. She tries again, still nothing. She furiously tears off the tutu skirt and wings leaving her in a blue leotard, and smacks the wand against her palm, growling. Finally she smacks her wand down as hard as she can and a huge cloud of blue smoke fills the room.
Skye's Voice: There we go!
Narrator: The king and queen still weren't satisfied, so they sent their daughter to live with the three fairies until her seventeenth birthday. Just as promised, the girl grew into a lovely redhead.
Ranma-chan: [is wearing a very frilly dress. Sulkily] I don't wanna hear about it.
Narrator: One day, her fairy stepmothers sent her out to gather some berries.
[Akane kicks Ranma out the door] Skye: And don't come back until the basket's full!
Ranma-chan (Rose): Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Narrator: In the forest, she bumped into a prince.
Rose: [walks into Kuno. Her eyes widen as she realizes who it is] Oh, no!
Kuno (Prince) What vision of loveliness is this I see? Could it be, my one truest darling, the pig-tailed girl!
Rose: [screams and runs off quickly].
Narrator: It was love at first sight. Well, for Kuno at least. But then, with Kuno, it usually is. Anyway, that day happened to be the eve of the girl's birthday, so the three fairies took her home.
Rose: Gosh, you're certainly cutting corners.
Narrator: I'm on a tight schedule. So, the three fairies took the girl to the castle and told her not to get in trouble. Unfortunately, good ol' prince Kuno followed them in secret. After the princess arrived, she was left alone to wander the palace.
Rose: *siiigh* Now what?
Prince:[bursting into the room] Pig-tailed Girl!
Rose: Oh, no! [gets up and runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her.]
Prince: Ah! So it is to be a chase! Such as you desire, my love!
Rose: [trips over her own skirt] Aw, man! [tears the dress off, revealing a tank top and her everyday pants underneath] I've gotta get outta here! [heads up the nearest flight of stairs]
Narrator: Rose kept running up the stairs, until she came to the highest chamber and slammed the door shut.
Rose: Whew! Hey, what the heck?!
Maleficent: [grins] Hey, there, princess. Nice of you to join me.
Rose: What do you want?
Maleficant: World domination. [notices Rose's confused expression] Oh, you mean right now? Oh, nothing. But Kuno-baby's lookin' for you all over. Said to give you these. [holds out a bouquet of black roses]
Rose [takes the roses suspiciously] What are these fo-
[The roses explode in a cloud of petals and dust]
Rose: Hey, what the heck...oh...crap...[passes out onto the floor]
Maleficent: Hmm. Oops, silly me. I guess THESE were the roses Kuno-baby wanted delivered. My mistake! [sashays out of the room, tossing the bouquet of red roses down next to Rose's limp form]
Narrator: When the fairies arrived, they were horrified to see what had happened to the princess.
Flower: Aiya! Somebody give princess poison roses!
Tree: [shaking her head] Poor, stupid Ranma-honey.
Skye: [lifts Rose and drops her on the couch by the window] Jerk.
Narrator: But they realized that all was not lost. Rose need only be given a kiss to awaken her.
Prince: [arrives, panting] Never fear, my beloved jewel! I shall free thee from the curse! [He makes a beeline for Rose. Akane nonchalantly sticks out her foot and trips him, and he falls out the window, smashing through the roof below]
Skye: Oops.
Flower: That just great! NOW how we awaken princess?
Skye: Oh, don't worry, this is just a play. Hey, Ranma, get up, we're calling this off. Ranma, c'mon! . . . Ranma?
Narrator: Welll...see, I wanted it to be genuine, so I kinda...used Kodachi's roses.
Skye: [freezes] You're kidding.
Narrator: [sheepishly] Nope. [brightens] A kiss will still work, though. It's the Happy Ending clause.
Tree: But who's gonna kiss her? We're all girls.
Maleficent: [appears in the window and pours hot water over Rose. She grins brightly and disappears again]
Flower and Tree: [both freeze, look at each other, then lunge at Ranma. However, they go at the same time and hit their heads together.]
Tree: Oww! You stupid Chinese bimbo!
Flower: Man-type Spatula girl! [They begin fighting, catfighting themselves right out the window and onto the roof below]
Narrator: Umm....looks like you're the only one left, Aka...I mean, Skye.
Akane...I mean, Skye: What?! I can't kiss him!
Narrator: Would you rather I get one of the other girls to do it?
Akane: NO! I mean...um...
Narrator: Well?
Akane: [looks at Ranma. He's still out cold from the roses. She swallows hard] Isn't there another way to wake him up?
Narrator: Nope. (Aside) And even if there was, do you really think I'd tell you what it was?
Akane: O...k...I'll try...
Narrator: Goody! I mean...good. Go ahead.
Akane: [slowly walks over to where Ranma is laying and kneels down next to the couch. She swallows hard.] O-ok, here goes...[Takes his face in her hands and leans down. She lifts her head again almost immediately.] There! [Nothing happens. Akane looks confused] Why...why didn't it work?
Narrator: *sigh* It didn't work, because you fudged it. You didn't really kiss him, you just put your lips down by his face; that doesn't count.
Akane: *blush* I...
Narrator: C'mon! You can do it! Think of poor Ranma! Completely helpless! What if one of the Kunos got to him first, while he's laying there, totally defenseless?!
Akane: [Looks at Ranma again. He does look pretty unconscious.] Well...when you put it like that...
Narrator: And besides, it's common knowledge that you two are totally gone on each other.
Akane: [glares at the narrator, even though her face is bright red] Don't push your luck.
Narrator: Sorry, sorry...now, are you gonna kiss him, or am I gonna have to fetch Shampoo?
Akane: [Takes a deep breath]. I can do this. Sure. Just a little kiss...no big deal...right. [She swallows hard and leans toward her catatonic fiancee] S-sorry, Ranma. . . [She slowly lowers her head and shyly touches her lips to his.]
Narrator: [Watches these events with a rather goofy smile on her face]
Ranma: [Starts after a moment, his eyes flying wide open. Akane opens her eyes as well and they stare at each other. Ranma attempts to say Akane's name in surprise, but their mouths are still touching, so that just deepens the kiss.]
Narrator: [Is eating a bag of candy hearts. Gets one that says 'I love you', giggles girlishly, and pops it into her mouth]
[There is a rumbling sound from the stairwell and Tree bursts into the room]
Tree: I'm back! [Tree gets squished by Flower]
Flower: Flower back too! Where Ranma! I give Kiss of Life this time!
Prince: Where are you, my darling pig-tailed girl?
[All three stop and gasp as they see Ranma and Akane. Ranma is sitting up and he and Akane are still kissing; rather more impressively than a moment ago.]
Flower, Tree and Prince: [are in utter shock]
Narrator (Arianna): Um...anybody want a candy heart? Heh heh...
[Ranma and Akane pull apart suddenly, panting]
Ranma: Whoa...
Akane: [blushes. Ranma smiles at her. She smiles back, but then she notices their audience.] Uh oh.
Narrator: Um...m-maybe right now would be a good time for a honeymoon, ne?
Ranma: Yeah, I think so...get me outta here. [He grabs Akane as the group charges and jumps out the window.
Narrator: Well, that's all for this time! Be sure to tune in again to Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! HEY, YOU GUYS, WAIT FOR ME!!
[The curtain goes down, squishing Kuno in the process.]