A Christmas Carol

An Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre Production

Written and produced by Arianna (Elly) Vesle and Mike Wallace

~~~

(A lone figure steps on stage. A solitary spotlight comes on and shines on center stage. The figure steps into the light.)

Arianna: Hello, and welcome to the Anything Goes Theatre. I’m very glad to see all of you here today. I am the producer, director, narrator and hostess of tonight’s production, Arianna Vesle - -

(Arianna is interrupted as a second figure suddenly appears from stage left, barrels across the stage, slides completely through the spotlight, then turns and hurries back into the glow.)

Mike: And I’m the stage manager, set manager, props manager, production supervisor, co-writer (breath) AND the one who actually did all the backbreaking physical labor in getting this miserable play put together, due to a certain SOMEONE’S inability to get her hands dirty. *Glares*

Arianna: I have a back problem.

Mike: A problem with backing out of work!

Arianna: *Glare* As I was saying, I’m very glad - -

Mike: What about me?

Arianna: Like I was saying, WE’RE very glad - -

Mike: When did I ever say I was glad?

(Arianna stops and slowly turns.)

Arianna: Are you doing that on purpose? I think you’re doing that on purpose.

Mike: I might be.

Arianna: I could kill you for that. I’ve killed men for less.

Mike: *Smirking* That’s hardly setting a good example, oh, Gentle One.

Arianna: . . . I have decided to forgive you.

Mike: You’re too kind.

Arianna: I know. (Stepping forward, smiling) Ladies and Gentlemen! I welcome you to a very special production tonight! It is a timeless story, of love and greed and human weakness.

Mike: An old favorite, brought to you with the special treatment this Theatre has become famous for. *Pause* . . . I just ended a sentence with a preposition.

Arianna: The Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre is proud to present - -

Mike: Seen live in North America, Hawaii and Sweden - -

Arianna: one of the most famous stories of all time, Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’.

(Utter silence.)

(Arianna turns to Mike, still smiling brightly.)

Arianna: I’m so excited.

Mike: Yeah, I can see that.

(Arianna grabs his arm and starts pulling him offstage.)

Arianna: C’mon! C’mon! Let’s get started. We’ve waited long enough.

Mike: Aren’t you gonna do the cast listing first?

Arianna: No, let’s just surprise them. Besides, I have my doubts about the punctuality of certain members of tonight’s cast.

Mike: Then why are we hurrying to start the play?!

Arianna: You ask too many questions.

(They vanish backstage. The spotlight disappears and the curtain slowly goes up. The lights come up slowly.)

Narrator(Arianna): Marley was dead, to begin with. Now that I have quoted from the book, I may say what I please. But I might as well tell you that Marley was really and truly dead, none of this typical anime nonsense where he was resurrected by the power of true love, or was cloned, or was never really dead at all-

Assistant Narrator(Mike): -Or comic books or soap operas or those lame episodes of Buffy the Vam- Oof! *Groan*

Narrator: Marley was honest-to-goodness dead, really dead, not anime dead, NOT "Buffy" dead but genuine ‘Law and Order’ type dead. Dead. Anyway, even though he was dead, it’s true that nobody missed him, except possibly, his partner, Ranmanezer Scrooge.

Assistant Narrator: *Ahem*

Narrator: Shut up. Scrooge now ran their business alone - - the owner of a small, cold dojo in the business district of old England. And even now, on Christmas Eve, there he sat, going over katas, with his single employee, Mousse Duckchett-

Assistant Narrator: *Cough Cough*

Narrator: *Pause* . . . huddled over some insurance forms in the cold. Will you shut up?

(The scene opens on a cold, dark dojo. Ranmanezer Scrooge is flipping intently through papers with various katas and different moves sketched out on them. Duckchett is sitting in an ever darker corner, shivering from the cold. As they both work, there is a knock on the dojo door.)

Ranmanezer Scrooge(Ranma): Duckchett! Answer the door!

Mousse Duckchett(Mousse) *Muttering* Why did I get this awful secondary role?

(Duckchett opens the door. A dark figure barrels inside and glomps Scrooge.)

Scrooge: Aack! Hey!

Freda(Kodachi) Merry Christmas, my beloved Uncle Scrooge!

Scrooge: Bah! Dumb hugs! (He pries her off.)

Freda: Uncle Scrooge, come have Christmas dinner with me! I have prepared a sumptuous banquet for you, my darling! And after you have eaten your fill, you can carry me off in your strong arms and we shall spend this glorious holiday together, OOOH, ho ho ho ho!

Narrator: Oh, for the love of - - you’re RELATED! Geez! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her.

Freda: *Deadpan* But I only desire to wish my beloved a most Merry Christmas.

*Silence*

Narrator: SAY YOUR LINES, YOU DOPE!

Scrooge: ACK! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas? If I had my way . . . I wouldn’t be here right now. *Sigh*

Narrator: Ahem.

Scrooge: *Sighs again* If I had my way, every fool who goes around with Merry Christmas on his lips would be boiled in his own ramen and buried with a stick of pocky through his heart!

Freda: Ooh, ho ho ho! You’re so clever, my darling Scrooge-sama! Please say you will come and dine with me on the marrow?

Scrooge: NO! Uuuuhhhh-I mean, um . . . I can’t. I’m on a diet. And I’m too busy anyway, there’s lots of things I have to do before I can become the greatest martial artist the world has ever seen.

Assistant Narrator: *Whisper* Greatest martial artist ever? He isn't writing his own lines again, is he?

Narrator: (Angry Silence.)

Assistant Narrator: What?!

Scrooge: You keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, or better yet, let me leave it alone. *Muttering* I wish people would leave ME alone. Especially crazy writer female-type people.

Freda: But my darling, Christmas is a time for true lovers to be together! *Glomp!* I shall be having a Christmas celebration at my home this evening. Do at least come to that, Scrooge-sama! Or come away with me now, and make me a woman, my darliiiing!

Scrooge: AAA! NO! NO WAY! Get off, get off, get off!

(Scrooge starts crawling away. A long cane appears and yanks Freda offstage.)

Scrooge: T-that’s it! I don’t wanna do this! I want out of this nightmare!

Assistant Narrator: Hey! Didja happen to see ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ . . . ?

Narrator: Hush. Ranma, get back here! If you ditch this play now, I can promise you you’ll be getting a lump of coal in your stocking this Christmas.

Duckchett: Hear, hear!

Scrooge: Oh, fine. (Glares at Duckchett.) One more word from you, and you’ll be getting lots of coal - - under a grill! (He smiles wickedly.)

Duckchett: *Gulp*

(Scrooge finally goes back to his work, and Duckchett starts to go back to his, when suddenly, the wall clock begins to chime.)

Duckchett: Ah, Saoto - I mean, Mr. Scrooge, it’s time to go home.

Scrooge: Oh, yeah. (Pauses, looking at Duckchett.) You’ll be wanting the whole day off tomorrow, I suppose.

Duckchett: If it’s convenient, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: (Crosses his arms.) Of course it’s not convenient. But I guess I have to give you the day off. Be here all the earlier the next morning. *Aside* I can’t believe I’m actually saying this stuff.

Duckchett: It IS Christmas, and it’s only once a year, sir.

Scrooge: That’s a lame excuse. (Standing.) I want to be the best martial artist in the world! The ultimate Anything Goes Martial Arts Master, Ranma Saotome!

Narrator: HEY!

Scrooge: Oops.

Narrator: *Sigh* Anyway, Duckchett made his escape and headed home to his wife and ducklings and kittens--?? Who wrote that in my script?! Somebody’s in trouble! (Scowling) And Scrooge locked up his dojo and was about to head home, when he was approached by two men.

(Enter the two men, namely Soun and Genma, dressed in nineteenth century top hats, cloaks and all that other stuff.)

Tall Man(Soun): Pardon me, my good man.

Fat Man(Genma): We represent many charitable funds.

Tall Man: We’re raising money for the poor. (Tears begin flowing down his cheeks.) We’re endeavoring to buy food and drink for the poor and destitute!

Scrooge: . . .That’s nice.

Fat Man: Listen here, son! We’ve come to you because we know we can count on your cheerful donation.

Scrooge: Look, what makes you think *I* have any money? I’m a martial artist, not a loan shark.

Fat Man: (Gets Scrooge in a headlock) Show more respective for charity, boy! If not with money you can donate your services! (He punches Scrooge in the stomach.) A little good Saotome stock will go a long way.

Scrooge: *Wheezing* Huh . . .?

Tall Man: In these difficult times, many of the poor are forced to turn to lives of crime.

(While the tall man is speaking, the fat man deftly pickpockets Scrooge’s wallet.)

Scrooge: Lives of crime?

Fat Man: Yes, desperate criminals, forced by their poor living conditions to become ruthless thieves.

Tall Man: With no hope of salvation, no means of education - can’t we count on your donation?

Fat Man: Ha! That’s very clever, Tendo!

Tall Man: Thank you, Saotome. So, young man, what shall I put you down for?

Scrooge, Whoa, slum thugs? What do you expect me to do, join Scotland Yard?

(Scrooge starts to walk away, but the fat man tackles and sits on him.)

Fat Man: Don’t be a fool, boy! There are plenty of ways to help the needy.

Tall Man: That’s right! (He starts to tear up again.) With all the men gone committing heinous crimes as means of survival, so many of the poverty-stricken young ladies are left alone!

Scrooge: *Struggling* So what the hell does that have to do with ME?!

Fat Man: You can help by removing one of the beautiful young girls from their desperate situation!

Tall Man: Yes! Just sign here, and you’ll be able to make a beautiful young woman your bride!

Scrooge: WHAT?!

(Scrooge slips out from under the fat man and is on his feet.)

Scrooge: You morons! What the heck are you talking about!?

Fat Man: Don’t try to fight it, son! Father knows best!

Scrooge: Lemme see that paper! (He snatches the form from the tall man’s hands and scans it.)

Scrooge: What IS this - a wedding certificate? Hey, there ain’t none of this in the script. And Akane’s not even playing a poor person; geez, don’t you guys EVER give it a rest? (He crumples the certificate and tosses it aside.) That’s it - - I’m going home. Good NIGHT, gentlemen. (He storms off.)

Narrator: Aww - Soun! Genma! You promised!

Assistant Narrator: That's like asking the tides to stay put.

Narrator: *Sigh* You think this is easy, don’t you. All of you think this is easy!

Soun: Don’t you want to see a father happy in his old age?

Narrator: Just get offstage, the next scene’s about to start.

(The set is changed to the front of an old, huge and very dark English house.)

Narrator: Scrooge walked home through the snow, to his old, huge and very dark house. Hmm. Yes, well, he was unlocking the front door, when something very peculiar happened.

(Scrooge starts to unlock his door. There is a large knocker above his head, shaped like the head of a giant piglet. As Scrooge is turning the key, the knocker opens away from the door slowly and a hand comes out and bonks him over the head.)

Disembodied Voice: Scroooooge. . . .

Scrooge: Ow! Hey!

(Scrooge looks around but the hand is retracted through the knocker, which closes quickly. Scrooge gives it a funny look, but proceeds to open his door. He looks at the inside, and the outside, then touches the piggy knocker.)

Scrooge: Huh. Some mug. That’s the second-ugliest knocker I’ve ever seen. (He shrugs and goes inside.)

(Heading upstairs, Scrooge removes his coat, and goes to the fireplace, where a very dim fire is dying. He removes a stew pot from the heat, and goes to the table where a bowl, spoon, cup and jug of rum are waiting for him.)

Scrooge: What’s with the rum?
Narrator: What, you would have preferred grog?

Scrooge: Never mind. Forget I asked.

Assistant Narrator: Maybe a nice industrial strength supersized triple espresso so we could have some energy in this performance.

Scrooge: I SAID never mind!

Narrator: Now, as Scrooge was eating his lukewarm supper in his dark, cold house, he heard, all at once, a strange noise . . . .

Sound FX: *Clank . . . Clank*

Scrooge: Eh? What’s that? Is somebody there?

Disembodied Voice: Scroooooooge . . . .

Scrooge: W-what? Who’s there? (Scrooge stands, as the rattling, clanking sound grows louder and louder. The door handle turns! Scrooge crouches into a defensive posture, ready for anything, as the door creaks slowly open, to reveal - a ghost! He’s been floured rather enthusiastically and is draped with long chains.)

Scrooge: *Incrudulously* Who the heck are YOU supposed to be?

Ghost (Ryoga) *Glaring* Ask me who I WAS.

Scrooge: Well, who were you then?

Ghost: In life, I was your partner, Ryoga H.T. Marley!

Scrooge: You have got to be kidding.

Assistant Narrator: I agree.

Marley’s Ghost: Ugh! You jerk! Don’t you recognize me? Or maybe you’re just riled that I showed up again, eh?

Scrooge: Huh?

Marley’s Ghost: My skills were always far superior to yours!

Scrooge: WHAT?! I could beat you with my hands tied behind my back any day of the week!
Marley’s Ghost: Prove it!

Narrator: Ahem! Gentlemen, please, Christmas is coming . . . .

Marley’s Ghost: *Sigh* Ranma, you foolish mortal, I’ve come to warn you!

Scrooge: Warn me about what?

Marley’s Ghost: *Irritated* I was just getting to that, let me finish! I’ve come to warn you that you must change your power-hungry, snobbish, selfish and egotistical ways!

Scrooge: Whatt’ya mean, selfish and egotistical, you jerk?!

Marley’s Ghost: Shut up, Ranma. If you don’t change your ways, you’ll be doomed to a fate like me!

(Marley’s Ghost holds out his arms, which are wrapped in chains.)

Marley’s Ghost: - - Doomed to wander the earth for all eternity!

Scrooge: That’s stupid. You were doomed to wander the earth for all eternity anyway - - you have no sense of direction!

(Marley’s Ghost grabs Scrooge in a headlock.) Come on, Scrooge, I’m going to show you a preview of what your afterlife is going to be like.

(Marley’s Ghost drags Scrooge offstage and there are sounds of a fistfight going on backstage. After a few moments, Scrooge flies across the stage and lands with a splat, looking slightly the worse for wear. Marley’s Ghost walks back onstage, wiping his hands in satisfaction and trailing a floury cloud behind himself.)

Marley’s Ghost: You will be visited by three spirits. They’ll set you straight, don’t you worry about that. (He chuckles scornfully.) I hope they manage to teach you a lesson. Expect the first when the clock strikes one. The second will come at two and third at three Look to see ME no more! Merry Christmas, you cur! (Marley’s Ghost exits through the same door he came in. Scrooge gets to his feet.)

Scrooge: Oh, yeah? Well - - I don’t even believe in your stupid spooks! Ha! Dumbhead!

(Scrooge spins to the table angrily, muttering to himself. He grabs up the jug sitting on the table and takes a large swig - - immediately before spewing the liquid all over the place.)

Scrooge: Blah! Rum jug!

Narrator: Scrooge tried to forget the ghostly warning. He finished eating his supper and did a few katas before changing into his jammies and getting ready for bed.

Scrooge: . . . *Chortle!* Did you just say ‘jammies’?!?

Narrator: *Angrily* Would you prefer I specify ‘nightgown’?!

Assistant Narrator: You heard the woman.

Scrooge: Ok, ok. Geez.

(Scrooge climbs into bed.)

Scrooge: Yahh! The sheets are freezing!

Narrator: He lay back and tried to sleep, but sleep just wouldn’t come, and so he laid awake, listening to the ticking of the clock.

Sound FX: BONNNNGGGG!!

Scrooge: AAAGH!

(Scrooge falls out of bed.)

Disembodied Voice: Oh, my.

(Scrooge looks up to see a pretty lady dressed in an old fashioned-gown and large, tilted hat with feathers. She’s holding a fur muff and smiles at him pleasantly.)

Lady(Kasumi): Hello, I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Scrooge: (Rubbing his head.) Yeah?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes! Come, Ranmanezer, walk with me. We’re going to look at your past.

Scrooge: Um, well . . . .

( The Ghost of Christmas Past leads Scrooge offstage as the scene changes to the inside of a schoolhouse. As we watch, Scrooge gets shoved onstage, wearing different clothes, short pants and a cravat.)

Scrooge: Hey, what tha - -

Ghost of Christmas Past: (Entering) Poor little Scrooge. He had to spend so many of his childhood Christmases at a lonely boarding school.

Scrooge: I can’t believe this . . .

(The door to the schoolroom opens and a girl enters. She’s wearing a bonnet and a winter coat. She looks around until she sees Scrooge.)

Girl(Akari): Oh, Ranmanezer!

Scrooge: Who’s that supposed to be?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Why, your sister, Fran, of course.

Fran: Ranmanezer, I’ve come to fetch you home for Christmas!

Scrooge: Home for Christmas?

Fran: Of course! Father is so much kinder than he used to be.

Scrooge: Father?

Fran: Oh, Ranma, you haven’t forgotten your lines, have you?

Scrooge: Um, no, of course not! Heh heh, that’s, uh, great . . . .

Fran: Well, come on, then, let’s go!

Assistant Narrator: Y'know, I don't remember this happening in this story.

Narrator: Of course it does. If you’d READ the BOOK, you’d have known that.

Assistant Narrator: Book?

Narrator: Yeah, kinda rectangular, with pages?

Assistant Narrator: Oh . . . yeah . . . heh . . . heh-heh. . . . Excuse me . . . .

(Scrooge stands, as Fran grabs his hand and pulls him offstage. Seconds later, Scrooge is shoved back into view from the other direction, dressed as the older version of himself again. He looks a little rattled.)

Ghost of Christmas Past: *Sigh* Always a delicate creature, whom a breath might have withered.
Scrooge: *Sweatdropping* She’s not quite THAT bad, is she?

Ghost of Christmas Past: *Laughing lightly* Oh, you’re being funny, aren’t you, Ranma. But remember, we have to do our best for the play. *Ahem* She died a woman, and had one daughter, your niece, Freda!

Scrooge: Well, uh. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Past: Come now, let’s look at another Christmas. Oh this is so much fun, isn’t it?

Scrooge: Not really. . . .

(The scene changes again, this time to the inside of a dojo, much like Scrooge’s only less dreary looking. The Scrooge of the past and another apprentice are working steadily when their employer slides into the room.)

The Boss(Principal Kuno): Hey, Ranmanezer! Hey, Dick! We gotta clear out dis place! I be havin’ a way big luau! I’ll be havin’ lots ‘o guests, ‘n most importantly mah pretty little wahine!

Scrooge and Other Apprentice(Gosunkugi): *Without enthusiasm* Yes, Principal Fezziwig.

(Scrooge starts hauling concrete slabs and pieces of wood out of the way. The Other Apprentice attempts to move a large punching bag but buckles under its weight and gets squished underneath it instead. Scrooge sweeps both him and the bag aside carelessly. Sounds of people and music are coming from outside. Then the door opens and the room fills with extras. Principal Fezziwig whips out his ukelele and begins strumming it.)

Princepal Fezziwig: Alright! Let’s get dis luau started!

(All the extras start doing the hula. They all look perfectly ridiculous. Scrooge facefaults. Then, one figure in a pretty blue dress separates from the crowd. Scrooge freezes.)

Scrooge: It’s . . . it’s her . . . .

Ghost of Christmas Past: Fezziwig’s daughter?

(Scrooge nods silently, eyes fixed on the girl.)

Ghost of Christmas Past: *Nodding* Ah, yes, the lovely Akanebelle. You were engaged to her, weren’t you?

Assistant Narrator: Hey, did you know the Ghost of Christmas Past is- *Muffled*

Narrator: Will you PLEASE stop interrupting? It’s just starting to get good! Oh, yuck, why’d you lick my hand?!

Assistant Narrator: I didn’t. You got me in mid-sentence.

(At that moment, Akanebelle catches sight of Scrooge and walks over to him.)

Akanebelle(Akane): Hello, Ranmanezer.

Scrooge: Um . . . h-hi, Akanebelle.

Akanebelle: Won’t you dance with me?

Scrooge: H-huh? U-uh, I-I . . . w-well, I . . . I . . . .

(Akanebelle hits him.)

Akanebelle: *Whispering loudly* You idiot! Didn’t you read the script at all?!

Scrooge: Ow! Of course I read the script! But . . . I don’t know how to dance.

Akanebelle: *Exasperated* Oh, you idiot!

(Akanebelle turns her back on him and walks away. Scrooge opens his mouth, but then closes it again. The Ghost of Christmas Past watches them both and sighs a little, shaking her head.)

Ghost of Christmas Past: Shall we go on a little farther?

Scrooge: I . . . I’m not sure I want to . . . .

(The lights fade, and as they rise again we can see the Scrooge of the past and Akanebelle walking together in a snowy garden. The Ghost of Christmas Past is standing off to one side.)

Scrooge: I’m telling you, Akanebelle, I’m going to be the greatest martial artist ever!

Akanebelle: *Sighing* That’s nice.

Scrooge: *Frowning* Well, you could be a little more supportive, you know.

Akanebelle: Well, maybe I’m just a little tired of hearing about how great you are.

Scrooge: Huh?

Akanebelle: Come on, Ranmanezer, that’s all you talk about anymore. It’s martial arts all the time! Is that all that matters to you?

Scrooge: Well, uh . . . *shrugs* What else is there?

Akanebelle: What else is there? What else IS there?! I can’t BELIEVE you! You’re such a self-centered creep!

Scrooge: *Defensively* I am not!

Akanebelle: You are so.

Scrooge: *Getting angry* You’re just jealous because you’re not good at anything.

Akanebelle: Oh, is that so? Well, maybe I’m not ever going to be as PERfect as you must think you are, but at least I’m not a selfish, snobbish jerk like you are! I don’t know why we were ever engaged. You don’t even care about me at all, do you?

Scrooge: Of course I do! It’s just that . . . well, how will marrying you make me the best?

Assistant Narrator: (Sharp breath) Oooh, that's gonna sting.

Narrator: Be QUIET! I’m trying to listen!

Akanebelle: *Paling* Is . . . is that what you think? That I’ll just get in your way?

Scrooge: Well. . . .

(Akanebelle stops short, clenching her fists, eyes filling with tears.)

Akanebelle: I thought you wanted to marry me. Don’t you love me at all?

Scrooge: W-w-what?! When did I ever say that! I never said that! Why would I ever want to marry an uncute tomboy chick like you anyway; y-you gotta be kidding!

Akanebelle: You - - you!!

(Scrooge takes a step backwards as Akanebelle stomps towards him.)

Akanebelle: You big jerk! I’ll never marry you - - you creep! You never loved me, it was all just a big stupid joke, wasn’t it?! You IDIOT!

(Akanebelle punches him. Scrooge staggers back.)
Scrooge: Ow! You stupid violent tomboy! That’s why I don’t wanna marry you, you’re way too macho and totally uncute!

Akanebelle: Oooo, I HATE you, Ranma! I wish we’d never even met! I never want to see you again, as long as I live, you JERK!

(Scrooge’s mouth drops open right before Akanebelle slaps his cheek, hard. She runs offstage leaving him standing all alone. The Ghost of Christmas Past shakes her head again.)

Ghost of Christmas Past: Oh, dear. That didn’t go well at all, did it.

Scrooge: You . . . you think she really hates me?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Wouldn’t you if you were her? After all, a woman needs to be treated gently. She wants to be loved by a good man. But you let your pride and ambitions take over your life, until nothing else mattered, not even Akanebelle.

Scrooge: That’s not true! I mean, um. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Past: Ranmanezer Scrooge, the shades of the past cannot be changed. If you hadn’t become so cold to her, you’d still have her today. Even a woman’s love can’t wait forever for a proud man.

(Scrooge opens his mouth a couple times, but nothing comes out. Finally, his shoulders droop and he lowers his head.)

Scrooge: Just take me home now.

(Scene changes back to Scrooge’s bedroom. He slumps down on the bed for a moment before raising his head and looking around.)

Scrooge: Lady? Huh, she’s gone. . . . of course she’s gone! She was probably just . . . a dream or something. Yeah. There’s no such things as ghosts!

(Scrooge shakes his head.)

Scrooge: Aw, what a moron! Getting all depressed over nothing. . . .

(Scrooge pauses, not looking as if he’s quite convincing himself. He sighs then and starts to get back into bed. He’s barely laid down though, when the clock begins to chime softly. Scrooge frowns, then looks down at his fingers.)

Scrooge: *Mumbling* The first at one . . . the second at . . . .
Sound FX: BONNNNNGGG! BONNNNGGGGGG!!

Scrooge: AAA!

(Scrooge falls out of bed again.)

Assistant Narrator: Is it my turn now? Is it my turn now?

Narrator: I . . . *Sigh* Yes, it’s your turn now. As much as I fear to do it, the ball's in your court, Mr. Narrator.

Assistant Narrator (Knuckle Cracking) Ha ha ha ha ha. . . .

Ranma: *Deadpan* My heart just stopped. . . .

Assistant Narrator Okay, based on my extensive research and the fact that I had to sit through three runs of the Disney version a year for almost twelve years, I should be able to pull this off.

Narrator: Just please, no explosions. There are no explosions in any Charles Dickens classics. I think.

Assistant Narrator: You take all the fun out of everything. *Sighs* Traditional Christmases are so boring. We need ones that Hallmark will keep their hands off of.

Narrator: Just narrate the script like I wrote it, please.

Assistant Narrator: Yes'm.

Narrator: Good boy.

Assistant Narrator: All righty then. The clock had struck two, and Scrooge huddled in his bed, fearful of the warning that the ghost of Marley had given him.

Scrooge: Oh come on, why would I be scared? I'm the best martial artist in the world, y'know.

Sound FX: *SLAM!*

Scrooge: AAA! (Grabs the candle beside his bed with a shaky hand.) C-come out . . . you spirit! Show yourself!

Voice: SCROOOoooooOOOOOoooge . . . chan. . . .

Scrooge: *Gawk* Uh . . . who is it? Who's there?!

(Torches light up at the foot of Scrooge's bed, illuminated piles and piles of gold and okonomiyaki. Seated on a throne of gold coins and wearing a long, red, fur-lined sultry winter coat is the Ghost of Christmas Present, going over receipts such, the personification of Scrooge's own current success.)

Ghost of Christmas Present(Ukyo): Nine hundred thirty-two thousand nine hundred and twenty-two, nine hundred thirty-two thousand nine hundred and twenty-three. . . . Hmm? Oh! (Jumps off her throne and glomps Scrooge.) Scrooge-chan!

Scrooge: Uh . . . hey . . . come on . . . hey! What manner of spirit art thou!?!

Ghost: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, silly. *Snuggle*

Assistant Narrator: Getting a little out of character there, Ukyo, dear.

Ghost: Huh? Uh . . . oh. . . . right. (Hops off the bed and stands before her wealth.) Behold, Scrooge! I am the Ghost of ChristMAS Past!

Narrator: Christmas Past?

Ghost: Huh? Oh, right, sorry! CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Assistant Narrator: Just our luck, she's a bad actor.

Scrooge: What is all this? All this wealth and food abound? Wait a minute, that doesn’t make any sense. . . .

Narrator: Honestly. Shouldn’t it be ‘abounding’ or something?

Assistant Narrator: I don’t know, you wanted me to stick to the script; you didn’t say it had to make sense.

Ghost of Christmas Present: Look around you, Scrooge! This is the bounty of the present! The mirror of your present success! Does it look good to you?

Scrooge: It does!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Ha! I'll bet it does! Money and food, as much to please and glutton or greed, to represent your skill and knowledge of martial arts! This is what you have, Ranmanezer Scrooge, more of this than any other around!

Ranma: Then I really am the greatest martial artist!

Narrator: That didn’t make sense EITHER!
Assistant Narrator: Oh, leave me alone. *Pouting* You made ME be quiet while YOU were narrating.

Ghost of Christmas Present: *Ignoring them* Ho ho ho ho! That might be, Ranmanezer, but all you have is only what you see before you! You hide yourself amongst your success and ambitions, blind to what happens outside of these old worn walls! Come, Scrooge! Let us look upon all the present has!

Scrooge: I dunno. . . . (The Ghost of Christmas Present glomps his arm.)

Ghost of Christmas Present: Come on, Scrooge-chan, don't be nervous! Hold on tightly to my robes and we'll be off!

Scrooge: That robe'll come off if I pull too hard! It's barely staying on as it is!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Don't be such a flirt! Come on!

(The ghost takes his head in a headlock and flies up, lifting up the roof and then darting out into the night with Scrooge struggling in her grip. They fly through the cold night sky over the snow-covered town below, heading for one building in particular, which is still aglow with lights even though most of the city is quiet and dark.)

Ghost of Christmas Present: Hmm, there was someplace I was supposed to take you. . . .

Assistant Narrator: Did you read the script?

Ghost of Christmas Present: I glanced at it! I only agreed to this part ‘cause it got me close to Ran-er, Scrooge-chan! Otherwise I was just happy serving the production crew!

Assistant Narrator: Cratchett's house! You're supposed go to Cratchett's house!

Narrator: Duckchett's.

Assistant Narrator: What?

Narrator: He's Duckchett.

Assistant Narrator: You've got to be kidding me.

Narrator: I don't kid. Therefore, I can honestly say that we have an opening in the cleaning-of-the-panda-cages department right now. . . .

Assistant Narrator: *Groan* All right, Duckchett's house. Go there. Please. I feel a headache coming on.

Ghost of Christmas Present: Okay, here goes...

(They fly downwards, toward a small home in a more distrodden neighborhood. Just as Scrooge and the Ghost are near to the ground the Ghost drops Scrooge into a snow drift just beside a frosted window.)

Scrooge: Oof!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Sorry, Scrooge-chan, my arms were getting tired. (She flies up to the window and stares inside.) This looks like the place.

Scrooge: *Grumbles* You didn't have to drop me right in the snow like that. (He stands up.) Hey, who's house is this?

(The Ghost of Christmas Present shoves Scrooge's face up against the glass.)

Scrooge: Oh. Duckchett!

(Inside, Duckchett sits at a wooden table, grumbling to himself. A certain purple-haired young lass stands over a stove, preparing a large pot of ramen.)

Scrooge: Duckchett! (He bangs on the window.) It's me! Scrooge!

Ghost of Christmas Present: He can't hear you, silly.

Duckchett: Curse that Ranmanezer Scrooge! My job sucks! Low pay, long, miserable hours with that selfish tightwad!

Duckchett's Wife(Shampoo): You being too hard on Scrooge. He very busy man needing all help from stupid duck boy he can get. You lucky he even hire you at all.

Duckchett: But, honey!

Duckchett's Wife: No calling Shampoo ‘honey’! You is poor stupid duck who very lucky even have wife!

Assistant Narrator: That's not in the script. . . .

(Duckchett’s Wife walks to the window.)

Duckchett's Wife: If Shampoo had chance, she would run to Scrooge and make him Shampoo's husband! (Opens window and choke-glomps Ranma.) Shampoo hold him tight!

Scrooge: Gack!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Hey! Even *I* know that's not in the script, you blue-haired hussy!

Duckchett's Wife: You go 'way, Ghost of Christmas PEST! Shampoo here first!

Assistant Narrator: A little control here, please! *Evil voice* Where's my Mace of Holiday Cheer?

Everyone: . . . .

(Duckchett's Wife closes the window and returns to cooking her ramen as Tiny Tim walks into the room, dressed in the traditional Tiny Tim outfit, pathwork clothes and a little wooden crutch made from a branch.)

Tiny Tim (Chibi-Hinako): Mama! Papa!

Duckchett: Who let in the gnome?

(Tiny Tim whacks Duckchett upside the head.)

Tiny Tim: Pay more respect to your elders, young man!

Duckchett's Wife: Ramen is ready! Tiny Tim and stupid husband sit down for dinner!

Duckchett: I am sitting.

(Tiny Tim sits down.)

Tiny Tim: *Kawaiis* Ramen! It's sooooo cute!

Duckchett's Wife: You eat all up, Tiny Tim.

Tiny Tim: Papa, did you ask Mr. Scrooge for your raise, so you could some more medicine for me?

Scrooge: Medicine for her? Is that why Duckchett's been nagging me for more money? What's she got
anyway?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Terminal Attention Deficite Disorder.

Scrooge: *Deadpan* Then what's she need the crutch for?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Dramatic effect.

Tiny Tim: (Tugs on the Ghost's robe.) This isn't up to school uniform standards, young lady! It isn't even very Christmasy! It's like more like some sultry nightgown and I won't have it on my students! Especially when you're around a womanizer like Ranma-

Assistant Narrator: Ah-he-HEM!

Tiny Tim: -neezer Scrooge. Who I can't see at all and will not pay any attention to. (Sits at the table.) Didja get the raise, papa? Didja?

Duckchett: No. Scrooge wouldn't even listen to me. He's such a jerk.

Duckchett's Wife: (Whacks Duckchett with a spoon.) No using language like that in front of child, stupid duck boy! It okay, Tiny Tim. We get medicine somehow. Even if Shampoo have dress sexy and being inticeful to Scrooge.

Scrooge: Oh man . . . I'm gonna be sick. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Present: Hey! That's not in the script either! Stop trying to lay your hands on my Scrooge, you hussy!

Duckchett's Wife: You stop trying lay Ranma's hands on you! Shampoo is no afraid of no stupid ghost!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Maybe you'd like a little ectoplasm in the face?!

Assistant Narrator: The next person to so much as wander off the script is gonna get Happosai as a Christmas gift.

Narrator: Now . . . don't be so harsh.

Assistant Narrator: Tough love. You want this play to work or not?

Narrator: Good point. Still, the ends shouldn't justify the means, darling.

Assistant Narrator: All in the name of progress.

(The actors return to their places.)

Duckchett's Wife: No worry Tiny Tim. We make sure you get medicine in time.

Scrooge: What'll happen to Tiny Tim if he doesn't get his medicine?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Then he-she? Uuhhh- - *It*’ll probably be the Ghost of Christmas Present next year.

Scrooge: You can't be serious! He - - she - - he - - it's just a little kid!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Them's the breaks, Scrooge-chan. I'm no Ghost of Christmas Future, but I'd say his terminal ADD'll drive him -- her? Whatever- to all kinds of crazy stuff. Who knows what'll happen to him? Her? Probably go on wild rampages sucking the energy out of helpless students.

Scrooge: But. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Present: (Checks her watch.) Oop, c'mon Scrooge. Time to fly.

Scrooge: But we can't just leave now!

Ghost of Christmas Present: It's already halfway through my session. Gotta see to one more thing before we head back. (She glomps him and they fly up into the sky.)

Scrooge: Whoa!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Isn't this nice, hmm, Scrooge-chan? Just the two of us?

Scrooge: *Gulp* Uh . . . remember, stick to the script, okay? You don't want that old freak ending up in your stocking.

Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh . . . shoot, you're right.

(They fly over the city until they see, down below amidst the darkened homes, a house with lights still burning brightly. The two of them fly down towards it, and as they approach the sounds of laughter and music can be heard. The Ghost sets Scrooge down on the ground and flies up to the frosted windows.)

Ghost of Christmas Present: Ooh! A party! I love parties!

Scrooge: What have you brought me here for?! This . . . this looks like my niece Freda's home!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Come take a look, sugar. It's the night of your life you never had.

(Scrooge wipes away the frost on the glass and stares inside. Dozens of people are gathered for a party, and many of them are dancing, including Freda and her husband.)

Ghost of Christmas Present: As I recall, you were invited, weren’t you? The one chance to show you weren't some grouchy old brick-breaker this Christmas and you turned it down. Straw that broke the camel's back, hon. Yup. They look like they're having fun, unlike you, sitting in your bed on Christmas Eve, bah-humbugging your life away.

Scrooge: Ah who needs Christmas anyway? It's just another dumb holiday. Stuff like that interferes with your training.

Ghost of Christmas Present: Don't be such a jackass! It's that kind of mentality that drove Akanebelle away from you!

(Scrooge winces.)

Scrooge: Oh, lemme alone.

Voice from Inside: A toast! To Ranmanezer Scrooge! Hurrah!

Scrooge: *Curious* What's this then?

(Inside, Freda and her husband stand before the crowd, holding up their drinks.)

Freda: The grand and handsome uncle of mine who could not grace us with his presence tonight, but I'm sure sends his blessings to us all!

Freda's Husband(Sasuke): Yes, if it weren't for the cold-hearted man to be hiding in his bed dreaming of fame and fortune, he might have even shown his face among his relations.

Freda: Oooh, ho ho ho! My dear, you mustn’t be so cold. Ranmanezer isn't so heartless a person.

Freda's Husband: Oooh, but he’s an evil villain, that one, no doubt about it! Master Kuno says he’s heartless!

Scrooge: I'm not heartless!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Not a lot else to call you, sugar. Maybe grouch, hermit, selfish, bully, butthead, dork. . . .

Scrooge: *Grumbling* I get the point.

Ghost of Christmas Present: (Continuing) Doofus, dimwit, jerk, dummy. . . .

Scrooge: Enough, I get the point! So what if they think I'm selfish? I've got better things to worry about than what other people think of me!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Don't I know it. No wonder you went and said those nasty things to Akanebelle. *Aside* Even if she did deserve it. Anyway, the point is, you drove her off, Ranma. Take a close look inside.

Scrooge: Why? What am I looking for?

Ghost of Christmas Present: You'll see.

(Scrooge scans the room carefully, and notices in the back corner a familiar sight. Akanebelle stands there, holding a drink close and staring at it rather solemnly.)

Scrooge: It's. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Present: You got it. Too bad, too. You could have showed up and proved you'd stopped being a grouch, you might have even had a chance to apologize to her. Too bad you're back home while she's here with her intended.

Scrooge: Intended?!

Akanebelle's Intended:(Kuno) Tis truly a fine gathering, is it not, fair Akanebelle? The night is alive with the praises for our joining!

Akanebelle: *Grimace* Ugh. Yes . . . dear. . . .

Akanebelle's Intended: Come, my dear, show your true feelings, the Narrator said clearly that to deviate from the allotted script would cost you.

Akanebelle: I'm not deviating from the script.

Akanebelle's Intended: Surely you jest, for it says within my script that you are to deliver grateful hugs and shower me with fine kisses from your virtuous lips!

(Akanebelle smacks her "intended" upside the head with a mallet.)

Akanebelle: You wrote that part in yourself, you pervert!

Scrooge: She looks . . . miserable.

Ghost of Christmas Present: You must feel pretty proud of yourself. Look what happened when you drove her off. She's not a rich gal, you know. In this day and age a lady needs a good man at her side. Too bad she wound up with him.

Scrooge: But you can't mean that she'll be marrying him?! That's just wrong! I can't stand any more of this, spirit! Tiny Tim, Akanebelle! Stop haunting me with this! I can't take it any longer!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Deal with it, hotshot, these are all the fruits of your work. There's more to life than martial arts, when you turn your back on everything around you for your own stupid pride, look at how everyone suffers? It's not hard to ignore people you don't have to look at, is it?

Scrooge: Enough! No more! Stop this! I won't listen to any more!

(The set goes dark even as Scrooge shouts out, and when it fades in, Scrooge is back in his bed, thrashing in his blankets.)

Scrooge: Stop I said! Stop it! Ugh - - huh?! I . . . I'm back . . . I'm back home!

Sound FX: BONNNNNNG! BONNNNNNG! BONNNNNNG!

Scrooge: AAA! . . . Three o' clock!

(From Scrooge's bedroom door, there is a loud banging of someone beating their fist on the door.)

Scrooge: Do not come forward, spirit! I won't have any more of your talk! I won't, do you hear me?!

Narrator: He . . . he said his lines right. . . .

Assistant Narrator: Creative encouragement.

Narrator: What did you do?

Assistant Narrator: That would be telling.

Sound FX: BANG! BANG! BANG!

Scrooge: BEGONE! BEGONE I SAID! *Aside* Although I can’t believe I said it.

(Woosh! The door flies open, and a black-clad figure stands there, draped from head to toe in a long black cloak, so that his face and form are hidden completely.)

Scrooge: Wh . . . who are you!?

(The figure steps forward - - and his rather large figure becomes quickly stuck in the doorframe. He pushes forward and trips into the room, manages to catch himself before he falls and stands up straight again, but his cloak has been pulled back to reveal that it's Genma in his panda form.)

Scrooge: Are . . . are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?

Ghost: Growl. (Nods.)

Scrooge: Wh - - what do you want?

(The ghost gestures for Scrooge to follow him with one hairy panda finger.)

Scrooge: You want me to follow you? Why? What do you want to show me!?

(The Ghost merely stands there, unable to speak. Scrooge reluctantly gets out of bed and stands before the Ghost, who turns and pushes himself out through the door. Ranma follows, and finds himself not in his hallway, but in a large, white, lavishly decorated church. A wedding is taking place, apparently, with guests seated in the aisles and a bride and groom standing before a priest.

Scrooge: Where are we? What’s going on?

(The Ghost points at the bride and groom, and Scrooge sees that the groom is Akanebelle's Intended. He seems unnaturally happy with himself, which is pretty normal for him, but of course it's heightened to higher levels today.)

Scrooge: That's . . . the guy Akanebelle was supposed to . . . oh, no. You can't mean that . . .No, no way. She can’t - - Spirit - - !!

Priest(Cologne): Then with the power invested in me, you may now kiss the bride. (Slaps her book closed.)

(The bride reluctantly turns towards her intended, and he thumps a fist against his chest, looking sparkly and victorious.)

Akanebelle's Intended: Ah the long awaited moment! Truly it was inevitable for us to be standing here today, my darling! Come, press your lips to mine as we so often have in private mome- (The bride slugs the groom in the gut with a fist) UGH!

Scrooge: That's her, all right.

(The bride removes the veil from over her face, and the beautiful but saddened face of Akanebelle is revealed fully.)

Scrooge: Ah geez, you've gotta be kidding me! Why would you go and marry a jerk like that, stupid?! Hey! Akanebelle! Yo!

(Akanebelle can’t hear him, of course, but Scrooge takes another step toward her.)

Scrooge: Akanebelle! C’mon! You can’t really want to marry him, can you? Are you listening? (He takes another step.) Hey, listen to me! LISTEN!

(The Ghost shakes his head and slaps Scrooge across the head.)

Scrooge: Hey! Cut it out!

(The Ghost shakes his head again.)

(The Ghost picks up Scrooge by the scruff of his "jammies" and carries him off.)

Scrooge: Hey! Leggo! Put me down! Akanebelle! You - - you dummy!

(Akanebelle doesn't hear, but she groans and narrows her eyes a bit anyway, like she did hear him.)

(The Ghost carries Scrooge, still ranting, out of the church and they wind up outside in a foggy, cold graveyard filled with old tombstones and dead, leafless trees.)

Narrator: Nice touch.

Assistant Narrator: Thanks.

Scrooge: Put me down! I’m gonna go back in there and give that jerk what-for! Put me - - (He notices his surroundings.) Hey, w-what . . . what are we doing here? Answer me, spirit! Why don't you SAY something!?

(The Ghost points forward, towards the base of a tree ahead. Lying across the gnarled, dry roots of the tree is a small wooden crutch.)

Scrooge: Isn’t that - - Is that Tiny Tim's? (He looks at the Ghost but it only stares back.) What happened to her, spirit! Tell me!

(The Ghost shrugs and walks on, bidding Scrooge to follow. They walk up to the tree and from here they look down a small hill to where not-so Tiny Tim (now in her adult form) is running around with her coins, draining people of energy out in the streets near the graveyard.)

Tiny Tim: Get back here! You little whippersnappers aren't going to just get off easy like that! Come on! Take it like a man! Delinquents! Delinquents all!

Scrooge: What in the world - - !? What happened to her?!
(The Ghost pulls out a mirror and shows Scrooge his own face.)

Scrooge: Me? What do you mean? I don't understand! What won't you speak to me?!

(The ghost points to Tiny Tim, then at Scrooge, then back and forth again.)

Scrooge: Are you saying . . . she turned out like me?!

(The Ghost nods. Scrooge looks over at Tiny Tim, running about, blasting people.)

Scrooge: But . . . I’m not an energy-sapping control freak. Besides, I thought she had terminal Attention Deficite Disorder, and then ended up dead 'cause I was selfish and didn't give Tim the money for his medicine. This script doesn't make much sense.

Narrator: I agree. Mike dear, I think you've messed up your bit.

Assistant Narrator: Nonsense. Everything's going according to plan. Ha ha ha . . . ha . . . hmm.

Narrator: You do know you're not going to take over the world with something as simple as a Christmas Carol, right?

Assistant Narrator: I thought we discussed this already.

Narrator: I want to make sure you were listening.

Assistant Narrator: Just do like I wrote. It'll turn out okay. I promise. Don't look at me like that.

Scrooge: I can't stand this anymore, spirit! You are the worst ghost yet! And why won’t you say anything! What’s all this supposed to mean?!

(The Ghost shrugs, then reaches down and picks Scrooge up again. Then he walks off, back down the hill, and the graveyard suddenly changes - - now it is a dreary, snowy afternoon, with clouds thick and black up above and a constant torrent of snow turning the graveyard into a cold field of dead trees and tombstones.)

Scrooge: That’s weird. What’s going on now?

(The Ghost drops Scrooge in the snow.)

Scrooge: Agh! Whatchu go and do that for?!

(The Ghost points again, straight ahead. Scrooge stands up, dusting the snow off him.)

Scrooge: I don't care what you have to show me! Everything I've seen tonight, all these horrible visions and torments! Why should I have to see any more?!

(The ghost points again, more urgently.)

Scrooge: No! I won't look! I told you, I don't care anymore! (He starts to march off.) If you won’t talk to me, then I’m just going to go and beat up Kuno - -

(The ghost slumps, shaking his head, then grabs Scrooge by the scruff of his jammies and flings him across the yard, where he builds up a dune of snow in his rough landing)

Scrooge: Ack! Cold rugs! Huh?

(Scrooge looks up, and sees Akanebelle dressed in a somber black dress and veil. She pressed a handkerchief to her cheeks as she stands, eyes closed.)

Scrooge: A-Akanebelle! What're you doin' here? *Brightening* Hey! Did that jerk husband of yours kick the bucket? It was an ‘accident’, right? Heh-heh!

(Akanebelle grows agitated for some reason and walks across Scrooge's head.)

Scrooge: Ugh . . . uncute as ever. (He looks up again.) So what is this? Some kinda funeral?

Ghost of Christmas Future: Some kind . . . yes.

(Ranma turns and sees the Ghost of Christmas Future, dripping with hot water.)

Ghost of Christmas Future: Take a good look, boy! (Grabs Ranma and pushes him forward.) Take a good long look!

(Scrooge does. He looks up at the fresh grave before him, recently dug and currently empty, and then up at the tombstone. It reads: RANMANEZER SCROOGE.)

Scrooge: Hey - - what is this? Some kind of sick joke?

Ghost of Christmas Future: It's no joke, boy. It's your grave! You let martial arts consume every aspect of your being, and your greed and selfishness caused all kind of untold suffering to everyone around you. And then, it led you to your doom.

Scrooge: You can't be serious! Where is everyone? Isn't this a funeral?

Ghost of Christmas Future: You don't get it, do you boy? Almost no one would want to come and see you to your eternal restbed, who cares about a mean old martial artist grouch anyway? The only one who even thought to come was her.

Scrooge: Akanebelle . . . She - - she got married to that jerk . . . but she . . . ah, man. Here I was being a . . . jerk. She was only one who showed up. . . . (Scrooge is silent for a moment.) But . . . but I don’t want to be dead!

Ghost of Christmas Future: Boy, some things are inevitable. What good is all the martial arts prowess in the world - - *Megaphone* WITHOUT A FAITHFUL WOMAN BY YOUR SIDE!

Scrooge: Huh??!

Narrator: GENMA!! DON’T YOU DARE!!!

Assistant Narrator: Good heavens, even without the megaphone she can outshout him. My ears are tingling. . . .

Ghost of Christmas Future: Look there!

(Scrooge looks and sees Duckchett and his Wife standing nearby, at the top of the hill. They’re looking down toward the path of chaos Tiny Tim has left in her wake.)

Duckchett’s Wife: I always say eating so much sugar lead to so much trouble!

Duckchett: Children these days are dangerous. (Duckchett looks around.) Oh! Look at this.

(The pair turn and walk over to Scrooge’s grave.)

Duckchett’s Wife: . . . OOOOoooh, poor airen! He too young to die! Shampoo’s heart break!

Duckchett: Don’t waste your sympathy on him. After all, he never amounted to anything. He was so busy thinking about how great he was, he never even tried to show it. Now he’s dead and gone, and no one will remember him.

Scrooge: W-what?

Duckchett’s Wife: And just when violent girl marry other man! This would have been Shampoo’s chance!

(They both turn and slowly walk away. Scrooge starts to go after them, but doesn’t get far before another gravestone looms up before him. He stops.)

Scrooge: Oh, no.

Ghost of Christmas Future: Yes.

Scrooge: Oh, will you go away? I’m already worthless, dead, hated by everyone who knew me - - how can this day get any worse?!

(Even as he speaks, Scrooge looks at the gravestone. On it is carved: AKANEBELLE FEZZIWIG KUNO - - DIED OF A BROKEN HEART - - SHE RAN OUT OF PATIENCE.)

Assistant Narrator: Yipes. Everyone's dying. How morbid.

Narrator: It's not too late to add "Assistant Narrator" to the next one, MIKE.

Assitant Narrator: I've decided to remain quiet.

Narrator: He's a good boy.

Scrooge: What?! No! No way! Akane can’t be - - Spirit!

(Scrooge spins around but the Ghost is standing right there, in front of the tombstone bearing Scrooge’s name. Without another word, he grabs Scrooge and throws him down into the grave.)

Scrooge: NO! Let me out of here! I don’t wanna be dead!

Ghost of Christmas Future: Too late now, boy!

(The Ghost starts shoveling dirt into the grave.)

Scrooge: Hey, stop it! Get me outta here! I don’t wanna be dead! I can’t be dead! Cut it out, I gotta find Akane, I said COOL IT WITH THE DIRT!!

(The Ghost tosses Neko-chan into the pit with the next shovelful. Scrooge screams.)

Scrooge: NOOOOOoooOOOO - -

(Scrooge falls out of bed.)

Scrooge: - - OOOooo - - OW! Wh-what - - I . . . I’m . . . I’m back . . . (He stands.) I’m not - - I’m not dead! I’m ALIVE! HA ha ha! This means I still have a chance to become the greatest martial artist in the WORLD! (He starts to laugh, but then stops.) Hey - - wait a minute. If I’m not dead, then. . . .

(Scrooge turns and runs to the window. He throws it open and leans out.)

Scrooge: Hey, you! Boys! What day is it?

Boys(Hiroshi and Daisuke): It’s Christmas Day!

(Scrooge pulls his head back inside and slams the window shut.)

Scrooge: All right! I haven’t missed it! All that stupid crap happened in one night, or - - or . . . or maybe it . . . never happened at all. *Pause* Would I dream up something that weird?

Assistant Narrator: I know someone who would.

Narrator: Shh, it’s getting good!

Scrooge: I . . . I wonder if . . . maybe if I . . . then maybe she’d. . . . (He pauses again.)

Narrator: Oh, I can’t TAKE it any more! Go GET her, you stupid idiot!

Scrooge: Oh, uh . . . well. . . .

(The scene changes to the snowy streets outside Scrooge’s house. A lady is walking down the street when Scrooge, dressed in day clothes again, bursts out of his house. He runs past her, then stops and runs back.)

Scrooge: Hey, lady!

Lady:(Nabiki) Can I help you?

Scrooge: Here - - here’s some money - - go buy some sedatives for Duckchett’s kid!

Lady: I’ll get reimbursed for my time, right?

Scrooge: Sure, sure, just buy the kid some medicine.

(He runs off, down the street, around the corner, up the next street, and into what looks like a large town square. Lots of people are mulling about, walking around, and coming in and out of a church, holding a Christmas morning service. Scrooge scans the crowd until he suddenly spies Akanebelle, walking with her new fiancee. For a moment, he just stands there looking nervous, until the other man snakes an arm around Akanebelle’s waist and starts laughing inanely. Then his eyes narrow and he darts across the square.)

Scrooge: Akanebelle!

(Akanebelle turns and catches sight of Scrooge. She looks as if she is torn between relief and anger.)

Akane: Ranmanezer - - ?

Scrooge: (Stopping to face her.) Akanebelle - - I. . . .

Akanebelle: Yes?

Scrooge: I. . . .

Akanebelle’s Intended: What is the meaning of this!? Begone, poltroon, lest you face the fury of the dread Blue - - OOF!

(Akanebelle punches her intended hard in the stomach and looks at Scrooge again, a little flushed.)

Akanebelle: What were you saying?

Scrooge: W-well, I . . . I just wanted to tell you that . . . I . . . I-I’m . . . sorry.

Akanebelle: You are?

Scrooge: Well . . . yeah. I didn’t mean to say all that stuff before, and I just wanted you to know that I’d really . . . really rather . . . m -mmm. . . .

(Before Scrooge can get any farther, Akanebelle’s Intended rears to his feet suddenly.)

Akanebelle’s Intended: Are you still here, you knave!? You force my hand! I shall have to teach you a lesson- -

(Scrooge punches him.)

Scrooge: Oh, shut UP! Buzz off, will ya?

Akanebelle’s Intended: But Akanebelle and I are - -

Scrooge: I said, shut up! Akane an’ you ain’t nothin’; she’s mine - - (He boots the Intended out of sight.) - - and she’s gonna marry ME!

Akanebelle: Oh, Ranma!

(Akanebelle hugs Scrooge. He blinks, and looks embarrassed for a minute, then, casting a guilty look around, puts his arms around her and hugs her back.)

Akanebelle: I knew you’d change your mind - - I knew you wouldn’t leave me with him.

Scrooge: Yeah, well . . . I guess I’ve learned my lesson.

Akanebelle: Oh? And what’s that?

Scrooge: . . . That I can marry you and STILL be the best! (He laughs triumphantly.)

Akanebelle: You - - jerk.

Scrooge: Hey, can I help it if I’m incredibly handsome and athletic?

Akanebelle: Honestly - - you didn’t learn a thing! (She pushes him away.) You’re just as conceited as ever! (She turns and walks away.)

Scrooge: Hey - - Aka - - Akanebelle, wait! C’mon, cut me a little slack! What’s wrong with wanting to be the greatest? I just happen to like myself, ok?!

(He’s alone again. Scrooge sighs and sits down the steps of a nearby doorway.)

Scrooge: *Quietly* I mean . . . I like myself . . . when I’m with you. . . . (His shoulders slump.) I . . . I wanted to tell you . . . I’d like the top a lot better, if you were there.

Assistant Narrator: *Groan* I can't stand drawn out confessions of love. . . .

Narrator: SHH!

(Scrooge buries his face in his hands. Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder makes him look up. Akanebelle is back, standing there.)

Scrooge: A-Akanebelle . . . ?

Akanebelle: Ranma . . . er, nezer, . . . do you really mean it?

Scrooge: Y-you HEARD that?!

Akanebe;;e: *Persistent* Did you mean it?

Scrooge: U-uh, I . . . well, I, um . . . I . . . I guuuueeeeeeess so. . . .

Akanebelle: *Smiling* I hoped you did. You know, I . . . I always thought that you could be the greatest, Ranma, really, but - - you know what they say.

Scrooge: Yeah. No.

Akanebelle: What I mean is, ‘it’s lonely at the top’.

Scrooge: Oh. (He pauses.) *Blushing* But . . . it doesn’t have to be.

(There is a moment’s pause, then Scrooge stands, and takes Akanebelle’s hand. She leans against his arm and they walk offstage together. The curtain goes down.)

(Silence)

Assistant Narrator: That’s it? That’s the end?

Narrator: That’s the end. Ranmanezer and Akanebelle live happily ever after, and he fires Duckchett, much to their mutual delight, Tiny Tim grows up, ummmmm, nice and healthy and Freda is eventually issued a restraining order. Did I mention Ranmanezer and Akanebelle live happily ever after?

Assistant Narrator: Yes.

Narrator: Well. Then. My work here is done. Thank you for coming to tonight’s special presentation, everyone!

Assistant Narrator: *Shrugs* Ok, then. We hope to see you all back here again sometime, after you’ve all recovered, heh heh. . . . I mean, I know there's a lot of different endings to these stories - many of them illegal - but I guess this one wasn't that bad.

Narrator: Good night, and Merry Christmas!

Assistant Narrator: Don't drink and drive!

Narrator: You're supposed to say "God bless us everyone".

Assistant Narrator: But you just said it.

Narrator: You're doing that on purpose again.

Assistant Narrator: Maybe.

(The Narrator and Assistant Narrator bow and then head offstage.)

Narrator: Well, we survived.

Assistant Narrator: Barely. I think I feel faint.

Narrator: Me too. *Sighs* Ah, but we done good, dear. We done good. . . .

Assistant Narrator: So . . . whatja get me for Christmas?

Narrator: What? I'm not telling. Even if I got you something I'm not telling.

Assistant Narrator: *Laughs* She got me something. ^_^

Narrator: You're gonna get something alright, buster.

Assistant Narrator: Oh, come on. Let's go have some punch and try and get at the snack tray before there's nothing left but fruitcake.

Narrator: Yuck. Fruitcake.

Assistant Narrator: Woman after my own heart.

Narrator: Don't get your hopes up.

(They disapper backstage.)

Assistant Narrator: What hopes?

(Their voices fade away and the stage goes dark.)