Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre- Hosted by Arianna (Elly) Vesle

Arianna: Hello again, folks. Today, in a slight diversion from our usual ‘fairy tale’ Fairy Tale Theatre, we have a treat for you. *Pauses* Actually, it isn’t any more of a diversion than usual. Less, even. Anyway, today we will be featuring a piece of classic British literature. Slightly altered to suit our needs. ^.^ Today’s play is that all-time favorite ‘Robin Hood’!

Voice from backstage: *Whining* Can’t somebody ELSE star for once?

(Ranma walks onstage.)

Ranma: *Continuing* After all, it’s not like there aren’t enough people who’d lap up the chance to star in this stupid show for once.

Arianna: *Deadpan* But . . . Ranma, you told me if I cast anybody else opposite Akane, you’d -

Ranma: Hey! I . . . I never said that!

Arianna: *Shrugs* Doesn’t matter. You’re under contract. I’d get costumed up if I were you.

(Ranma walks offstage, grumbling.)

Arianna: Now then. As you no doubt have guessed, Ranma Saotome is playing Robin Hood for us. Next on the docket: Akane Tendo as the lovely Maid Marian. *Aside* At least she’s happy. *Aloud* Ryoga Hibiki as Robin’s faithful friend and sometime sidekick, Little John. And Mousse, as Robin’s OTHER faithful friend and sometime sidekick, Will Scarlet. The part of Friar Tuck will be played be Genma Saotome. One word, any of you, and you all forfeit your hot water rights for the rest of the night, guys.

Ranma: Gah! Got enough characters, do ya?!

Arianna: I’m just getting started. I’m really having to leave out some good ones too, like George o’ Green, Allen-a-Dale, Beatrice, Much the Miller’s son, Little John’s cousin, Alfred the Tanner . . . .

Ranma: *Sweatdrop* I’m sorry I asked.

Arianna: Now. To the bad guys. First off, we have Prince John, to be played by -

Voice from offstage: The rising star of stage and screen! The brilliant Blue Thunder of the Stage! Tatewaki Kuno! Age, 17!

Arianna: Yes . . .hrm . . . And, Prince John’s evil subordinate, the Sheriff of Nottingham, will be played by . . . *sigh* Happosai.

Voice from offstage: Sweeto! A pretty thing like you shouldn’t be confined to such restrictive clothing! Why don’t we slip you into something more comfortable?

2nd voice from offstage: YEEK! Get away from me, you PERVERT!! *Boot!*

Arianna: I knew that was a mistake on the part of the casting committee.

3rd voice from backstage: But you ARE the casting committee!

Arianna: Oh, hush. Now then, who am I forgetting . . . OH, yes. Kodachi Kuno, Ukyo Kuonji and Shampoo will make up Robin Hood’s Merry Harem.

Ranma: WHAT?!

Arianna: Tee hee. And last but not least, Nabiki Tendo as Guy of Gisbourne.

Ranma: Nabiki’s playing a guy?

Arianna: *Sweatdrop* No, she’s not playing a guy! She’s playing Guy! Of course, I suppose since Guy IS a guy, you might say she’s playing a guy, but the guy she’s playing is Guy . . . .

Ranma: . . . Huh?

Arianna: Oh, never mind. Everybody, take your places, and let’s get this show on the road! Chop chop! (Arianna disappears backstage.)

(The lights dim and the curtain opens, revealing a scene in the middle of a deep, dense forest. A few moments pass, before a trio of cloaked figures sneak onstage. It is Robin Hood, and his two best friends.)

Narrator: Our story takes place in England, during the middle ages. Noble King Richard, being gone to the crusades, is unaware of the tyranny of the current ruler, Prince John. Things have become so bad, that even the most just of men have been forced to become outlaws. Especially the most just of men. This is what has driven the young Sir Robin of Locksley to become the infamous outlaw, Robin Hood! Robin Hood, who steals from the rich, and gives to the poor. He never kept unnecessary riches for himself. We join our hero as he is returning to his hideout, deep in Sherwood Forest after a daring raid . . . .

Robin Hood (Ranma): Whatever.

Little John (Ryoga): Are you crazy? I don’t know why I let you drag me along!

Will Scarlet (Mousse): We’re wanted men!

Little John: Look at all the wanted posters! Prince John is offering ^5000 for your capture! (Little John holds up a poster with Robin Hood’s face painted on it and the words, ‘Dreaded Outlaw, wanted dead or alive’ written across the top.)

Robin Hood: (Grabbing the poster) Who drew this, anyway? And why do I have fangs? Hey, wait a minute! (Turns and hits Little John upside the head.) *Bonk!* You dummy! Why are you carrying this thing around?! So people can compare it to the real thing?

Little John: Hey, cut it out! Everybody already knows what you look like!

Robin Hood: *Shouting* Well, you don’t need to remind them!!

Will Scarlet: Be quiet, both of you! I hear someone coming!

(The three outlaws hurry to hide in the bushes. A moment later, Guy of Gisbourne appears, riding a richly adorned horse, followed by the Sheriff of Nottingham, riding a slightly less adorned Shetland pony.)

Guy of Gisbourne (Nabiki): So, this is the famous Sherwood Forest, eh? Hiding place of the outlaw Robin Hood and his band.

Sheriff of Nottingham (Happosai): Supposedly including some of the most beautiful ladies in the land!

Guy: Hm. At any rate, I suppose both of us will be becoming more familiar with this place. After all, Prince John has hired me to capture Robin Hood and confiscate his hoard.

Sheriff: That’s my job! I’ll take good care of those pretty ladies!

Guy: *Sweatdrop* I was talking about the money.

Narrator: Women for some, wallets for others.

Guy: I think we should pay Prince John a visit back at Nottingham Castle. This looks like it may be a messy job. I may be forced to raise my fee.

(Exit the Sheriff and Guy of Gisbourne.)

(Robin Hood, Little John and Will Scarlet emerge from their hiding places.)

Robin Hood: Heh. Looks like Prince John is enlisting some new help. Figures he’d have to resort to desperate measures, trying to get his hands on me.

Little John: *Sourly* You certainly are slippery enough.

Robin Hood: *Ignoring him* Come on. Let’s get back to the hideout.

Narrator: So, the three outlaws headed back to their base, deep in Sherwood Forest. Robin’s Merry Harem was already there, arguing over who would cook dinner for their beloved fearless leader, as well as the freeloading Friar Tuck, Robin’s advisor of sorts.

(Enter Robin, Will and Little John.)

Forester S (Shampoo): Airen!

Forester U (Ukyo): Robin-honey! You’re back!

Forester K (Kodachi): *Gasp* My darling outlaw!

(The three foresters triple-glomp Robin.)

Robin: Urk!

Narrator: After an enthusiastic greeting, Robin and his cronies sat down to plot their next strategy.

Robin: So, what do you guys want to do tomorrow?

Forester S: *Shrug* We no know. What you want to do?

Robin: I dunno. What do YOU wanna do?

Friar Tuck (Genma): You know, Robin, my boy, I’ve been thinking. It’s time you found yourself suitable partner.

Robin: *Blinking* Partner? I thought that’s what Little John was for. Sure, he’s a little incompetent, but - -

Little John: You just shut your mouth, Ra - - Robin!

Friar Tuck: You’ve misunderstood my meaning, boy. I’m talking about your finding a wife.

Robin: *Losing his temper* POP! You promised you wouldn’t start up on all this marriage nonsense if we let you have the free food!!

Fair Tuck: *Taking a big bite of leg-of-something.* Hardly nonsense, my boy!

Robin: I don’t have time to watch a stupid girl! *Stiffens suddenly* (He turns to his Merry Harem nervously) Er . . . heh heh . . . present company excepted, of course . . . .
Forester K: Not to worry, my darling Robin-sama. I am surely quite a capable woman! You needn’t worry about me, my dearest, but merely take me into your arms and - - (Forester U smacks Forester K upside the head with a stick, interrupting her and getting all three girls into a fight.)

Friar Tuck: (Taking Robin aside.) Now listen up, boy, I’ve got some very interesting news.

Robin: Eh?

Friar Tuck: They say that Prince John has his eye on one of the noblewomen at court.

Robin: So? Why should I care?

Friar Tuck: I’ll tell you why. They say she’s the most attractive of all the royal court.

Robin: So WHAT? Besides, do you always believe what ‘they’ say? And I still don’t see why any of this should mean anything to me.

Friar Tuck: *Bonk* Don't be ignorent, boy! You need to find a girl and settle down! And besides, Aka- - umm, I mean, this girl Prince John has his eye on is Richard's youngest cousin!

Robin: *Eyes widen* You mean . . . not . . . .

Friar Tuck: *Grinning* That’s right! Our friend Prince John has his eye on the young Maid Marian!

Robin . . . Marian . . . .

Narrator: This news was very disturbing to Robin. Years ago, as a child, the former Earl of Locksley had been great friends with pretty young Marian.

Robin: *Blinking* Wha -?

Narrator: They had lost touch with each other at a young age, her life and relation to the crown carrying her out of his circles. He wondered if she even remembered him, especially since, as an outlaw, his former identity had virtually ceased to exist.

Robin: Oh, brother!

Narrator: Hush. Meanwhile, back at Nottingham Castle . . . .

(The scene changes to the interior of a stone palace. Prince John is standing in a great throne room, admiring himself in a large mirror.)

Prince John (Kuno): Observe! Such a handsome, royal visage such as this certainly deserves all the power and admiration the office of the crown has to offer! (He strikes a pose.)

(Enter Guy of Gisbourne and the Sheriff of Nottingham.)

Guy: Well, Your Majesty, I’ve been to Sherwood forest.

Prince John: And?

Guy: *Smirking* I may have to raise my prices.

Prince John: Ahh! Guy of Gisbourne, surely thou art the most grasping, ambitious mercenary in all of England!

Guy: Ah, ah, ah, your highness, but I am also the most qualified. I can guarantee that Robin Hood will be delivered into your hands. In a fortnight, his days as an outlaw will be over. *Grins* For a slight overtime fee, and perhaps a little something to cover expenses.

Sheriff: Of course, if this Robin Hood truly has anything of value, you can be sure that I’ll take it into capable hands.

Prince John: *Suspiciously* Of that, I have no doubt.

Guy: Don’t worry, Princey-baby! Robin Hood is all mine, I assure you!

Voice from Offstage: Um . . . excuse me . . . .

(The Sheriff, Prince John and Guy all turn. Enter Maid Marian.)

Maid Marian (Akane): I don’t want to bother you or anything, but I got lost on the way to my room and - -

Prince John: Ah! The beautiful Maid Marian! The jewel of all England! The envy of the world! My love, how can I serve you?

Maid Marian: *Sweatdropping* Ah . . . never mind, I . . . I think I’ll just . . . borrow a horse and . . . go . . . riding. Bye. (Maid Marian runs away before Prince John or the Sheriff can get their mitts on her.)

Guy: Hm. Strange girl. Well, I’ve got plans to make, outlaws to catch. See you later. (Exit Guy of Gisbourne.)

Prince John: Soon . . . soon I’ll be rid of that vile thief, AND the beautiful Marian will be my Queen!

Sheriff: She’ll certainly be a pleasant face to have about the castle.

(They both start laughing hysterically.)

(The scene changes back to Sherwood Forest, where Maid Marian and her maid are riding through the woods. The maid is looking around with a bit of apprehension.)

Bess (Kasumi): Oh, my. Are you should we should be riding through this way, Lady? They say that Sherwood is the home of the feared bandit, Robin Hood!

Marian: Oh, you worry too much. I’m not even sure there’s any such person as Robin Hood. Besides, even if there were, what could he want from us? We aren’t carrying money. Unless Robin Hood is a pervert or something, I’m sure we won’t be bothered.

Bess: Still, perhaps it would be wise for you to wear your hood. Your ties to the crown are well known.

Marian: So? If anyone tries to attack us, I'll just give them what for.

Bess: Dear, that's hardly ladylike behavior. I do wish you'd wear your hood, just the same.

Marian: *Smiling, shaking her head* Alright. (She pulls the hood of her cloak up.) But I still say there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

(Suddenly, the air is filled with yells as the three foresters swing out of the trees and grab the horses' bridles.)

Marian: HEY!

Forester S: We catch you, we catch you!

Forester U: Well, aren’t you a fancy thing! Cough up the goods, sister!

Forester K: *Sniffing haughtily* Such finery as you have been befitted with is hardly to be diserved by your rank.

Bess: Oh, my . . . .

Forester S: You hear us! Give us money!

Marian: But I don’t have any money!

Forester S: You have jewels! Give them to us! We need money, give to poor!

Forester U: Nothing personal. It’s just our job, sugar.

Marian: *Getting angry* Your job?!

Forester K: Certainly! It’s a most daring line of work , suited only to the most clever, cunning and beautiful of woman -- *Pauses* . . .Certainly nothing like yourself.

Marian: Why you - -!!

Voice from offstage: HEY!

(A fourth, hooded forester runs onstage.)

Narrator: Maid Marian’s heart began to beat faster as she gazed down at the shadowy figure dressed in Lincoln green. Could this be . . . him?! The legendary Robin Hood?

Robin: What’s going on here?

(The three foresters look chagrined as Robin crosses his arms.)

Robin: What have I told you about robbing women? We don’t rob women! (The foresters apologize in chorus, then exit quickly, as a long cane pulls them offstage.)

Robin: Geez, no honor among thieves . . . (He turns to Marian.) Sorry, lady. My gang gets a little carried away sometimes.

Marian: That’s . . . are you Robin Hood?

Robin: *Proudly* That’s me! Always glad to help a damsel in distress.

Marian: *Bristling* I am NOT a damsel in distress! I would have been just fine if you hadn’t shown up!

Robin: *Getting angry* Well ex-CUSE me! Maybe next time, I’ll just let them rob you blind then, make you walk back to town. How’d you like that?!

Marian: You jerk!

Robin: Tomboy princess wannabe!

Marian: (Face turns red with anger.) Why you - you- you criminal!! Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?!

Robin: *Snorts* Do I care?

Marian: Why - -!! I’ll have you know that I am a cousin to the KING! I am - (She pulls her hood off) the LADY Marian Fitzwalter!

Robin: *Freezes*

Marian: *Smugly* Speechless, are you? I suppose I can spare your life, owing to your ignorance.

Robin: Mar . . . Marian . . . ?

Marian: *Suspiciously* What’s wrong with you?

Robin: I . . . I . . . . (Robin slowly removes his own hood.) Marian, don’t you remember me?

Marian: *Frowning* Remember you? But, I’ve never seen you before . . . I . . . (Her eyes slowly widen.) You . . . you’re not . . . no, it can’t be!

Robin: Marian, I . . . .

(Hoofbeats sound from somewhere offstage. Robin freezes, then, spins around.)

Robin: I’ve gotta get outta here!

Marian: But . . . .

Robin: (Over his shoulder) I can’t get caught! Get back to the castle and don’t tell anyone you saw me! (He disappears into the bushes.)

Bess: . . . Oh . . . my.

(Marian stares in the direction Robin went. A moment later, Prince John’s captain of the guard appears.)

Captain of the Guard ( Miss Hinako): Lady Marian! I was sent to bring you back to the palace! It’s dangerous for young girls like us to be out in the woods all alone! There could be very bad men hiding in the bushes! Or lions! We must get back to the castle at once!

Marian: Oh . . . alright . . . .

(The three turn and start riding back the way they came, with Marian casting hesitant glances over her shoulder.)

Narrator: Robin went back to his hideout, shocked and confused by his sudden reunion with the lost Maid Marian. As Robin tried to sort out this new turn of events, Guy of Gisbourne was back in Nottingham, planning how she was going to capture him.

(Scene: A study somewhere in Nottingham Castle. Guy of Gisbourne is standing at the window. She turns as Prince John enters.)

Prince John: Ah, there you are.

Guy: Your Highness. *Smirk.*

Prince John: Have you thought of a way to trap that wicked outlaw?

Guy: Of course. What are you paying me for?

(Marian walks past the door, then stops, eavesdropping. She isn’t seen.)

Prince John: Excellent! I see, then, that I have not spent my money on you in vain! Come, tell me this plot, that I might gloat over it! (Prince John stars laughing wickedly.)

Guy: It’s actually very simple. Everyone knows that this Robin Hood is the best archer in England. It’s no secret. I propose then, that you host an archery tournament.

Prince John: A tournament?

Guy: Certainly. Let me finish. The winner of this tournament, will be to receive a silver arrow from the hands of the Lady Marian.

Prince John: Marian?! You jest cruelly, to suppose that I would allow my beauteous treasure within a hundred yards of - -

Guy: Her beauty is famous. Robin Hood won’t be able to resist such an enticing offer. The thought of taking a silver arrow from Maid Marian’s hands right under your very nose is certain to catch him.

Prince John: True . . . but, he’s certain to be disguised. How wilst we know him?

Guy: Like I said, Robin Hood is undoubtedly the best archer in the land, possibly in the world. I think it’s pretty safe to say that he’ll win, don’t you?

Prince John: HA! I shall trap the rogue! (He laughs, then they both exit. Marian scurries away before she is caught listening.)

Narrator: Of course, neither Prince John or Guy of Gisbourne knew that Marian had already met Robin Hood. Now she paced nervously, trying to decide what to do.

(Scene: Marian’s room. She’s pacing, biting her thumbnail nervously. Her maid sits nearby.)

Marian: I just knew he was up to something. That pervert always is. *She shudders.*

Bess: You’re sure that it’s the same boy?

Marian: Of course I’m sure. I recognize him. We used to play together, remember? I gave him a black eye once, when he teased me.

Bess: I thought it was a split lip . . . .

Marian: Oh . . . *Blushing* I did that, too. But anyway, I just KNOW it was him! And . . . and even if it wasn’t, I’d still want to do something. You know how Prince John has handled this kingdom since the king went away. It’s a mess! I can’t even think that you could call what the outlaws do ‘stealing’, since none of that money really belonged to Prince John anyway. He stole it from the people!

Bess: Maybe so. But, Marian, dear, he’s just an outlaw, I’m sure he’ll be alright.

(Marian doesn’t look convinced, but doesn’t say anything more.)

(Scene: Back in Sherwood Forest. Robin is sitting outside the hideout in the glen, talking with Friar Tuck, Will and Little John.)

Robin: . . . and we could just ditch these costumes and head out to get the Nannichuan water!

Narrator: Ahem.

Robin: *Jumps* Eep! Heh heh . . . sorry.

(The Merry Harem suddenly appears, running and breathless.)

Forester U: Robin-honey!

Forester S: We just come from town!

Forester K: We have quite intriguing news to deliver.

Robin: What’s going on?

Forester S: Prince John having big archery contest!

Forester U: The prize is a silver arrow!

Forester K: It’s quite a prodigious event. The winner will have to be the best archer in England!

Forester S: Maid Marian give silver arrow to winner! This big time arrow exhibition!

Forester U: It’s a great chance for us to show you off!

Forester K: After all, you ARE without doubt, the most expert archer in this *sniff* primitive, medieval land.

Robin: That’s true. *Grin* I think that sounds like fu- -

Little John: (Grabs Robin’s shoulder.) You fool! Do you know what this means? It’s a big event, out in public! They’re trying to trap you for sure!

Will: You go out there unprotected and the Sheriff’s men will have you before you know it.

Robin: *Grinning crookedly* Who said I was gonna go alone?

Little John: Oh, no. I’m not going along on another one of your crazy schemes.

Will: Yes, if you want to get arrested, just leave us out of it.

Robin: Suit yourselves then.

Forester S: We come with you!

Forester U: We’ll take good care of ya, sugar!

Robin: *Sweatdropping* No, no, I, ah . . . I need you three to stay here and guard the hideout.

Forester K: But, Robin-darling . . . .

Robin: No, really! I’ll be fine! Besides, how much good will it do me to win the competition if I don’t have any hideout to come home to?

Forester S: Well, when put it that way . . . .

Forester U: We’ll hold down the fort, no problem!

Forester K: It will be simply too easy for one so skilled in the ways of home life, Robin-dear.

Robin: Great . . . AUGH!

(Robin is crushed by the force of Friar Tuck’s arm around his shoulders. He pounds Robin on the back.)

Friar Tuck: That’s the way, son! This is your chance to make a good impression on Maid Marian, you sly dog!

Robin: THAT’S NOT WHY I’M GOING! (Robin turns away, making a typical anime face, eyes closed, frowning, with a slight blush over his nose.) The thought never even entered my mind.

Little John: *Scowling* It better not have. She’s too good for you anyway.

Robin: Says who? I bet I - -

Will: Someone’s coming!

Forester S: *Tsk* That all you ever have to say!

(The foresters hide as the stage goes dark.)

(Scene: A large tournament field in Nottingham. Prince John, Guy of Gisbourne, the Sheriff and Marian are all seated in a pavilion next to the archery range. The first three look smug, but Marian is nervous and trying not to show it.)

Narrator: The day of the tournament arrived. Prince John and his cronies were certain their plan would work.

Prince John: This is indeed a glorious afternoon!

Guy: I couldn’t agree more.

Sheriff: Look at all the pretty ladies come to watch! This was a great idea.

Narrator: Just as Guy had predicted, Robin had been unable to resist the temptation of showing off his skills, or of seeing Marian again. As to Marian herself, she was terribly worried about him, especially since she herself was to be part of the entrapment. Now she scanned the gathering crowd of participants, hoping against hope that Robin Hood wouldn’t be among them.

(Enter Robin Hood. He’s disguised as a peasant, and hooded. He carries a longbow and there is a full quiver of arrows on his back.)

Prince John: Let the tournament begin!

Narrator: So the competition progressed, it became clear that there were many talented archers present.

*THOWK!*

Judge(Soun): Bullseye! Dead center!

Narrator: But, regardless of the competition . . . .

Competitor(Pantyhose!) *Smirking* Let’s see you beat that shot, femboy.

Robin: *Smiling* My pleasure. (He draws his arrow back and . . . .)

*THOWK!*

Judge: In . . . Incredible! He shot his opponents’ arrow in half!

Competitor: Feh. Obviously the hapless luck of a skilless amateur.

Robin: *Facefault* Hey, I never even shot the arrow!

Narrator: Ok, ok, so we had to cheat a little. For safety reasons, you understand.

Robin: Oh.

Judge: *Crying* You’re certainly a suitable match for my little girl!

Robin: Oh, will you please give it a rest for once?!

Prince John: Friends! Noblemen and ladies, I declare this competition over! Clearly the winner has been chosen. *Smiles wickedly* Now, my clever knave, you may come and receive your reward! Approach the platform!

(Robin walks up. Marian steps forward. She holds the silver arrow. Robin swallows hard.)

Marian: This is your prize, sir, on behalf of this kingdom. Congratulations.

Robin: Uh. . . thanks, ah . . . .

(Robin’s eyes lock with Marian’s. She looks worried, but he doesn’t really notice.)

Robin: Uh . . . M-M-Maid Marian . . . .

(Marian looks desperate.)

Marian: *Whispering* Oh, you idiot! Get out of here!

(Robin blinks, frowning in confusion.)

Robin: Huh? But . . . .

Marian: *Still whispering* Get out of here as fast as you can or they’ll catch you.

Robin: What? What are you - -

Marian: Hurry! Or else - - (Marian gasps as Prince John approaches.)

Prince John: Congratulations, my young knave. You have certainly proven your true worth this day.

Robin: *Nervously* Uh . . . thanks . . . I think.

Prince John: Now, is the moment I have long awaited! GUARDS!!

Robin: *Alarmed* HEY! What are you -?!

(Robin spins to run, but John’s guards are too quick for him and he is captured and hauled back before Prince John.)

Prince John: HA HA HA HA HA! Now I’ve got you, you vilest of rogues! You contemptible pilferer!

Guy: Wow, that worked out even better than I’d hoped.

Robin: *Struggling* Lemme go, you jerk!

Prince John: Don’t be ridiculous, you disgraceful outcast! Take him to the dungeon!

(The guards take Robin away, kicking and struggling as Prince John, Guy and the Sheriff look on, smugly. Marian watches as well, stricken.)

Marian: *Worriedly* What . . . what are you going to do with him?

Prince John: He shall surely pay a high penalty for his crimes! Nary be there a man will wilt dare cross the great Tatewa - - Prince John after this fateful day!

Marian: But . . . but . . . .

Guy: Honestly, Marian, you sound almost as if you were worried about him. He’s just a common thief, pay him no heed.

Sheriff: Don’t worry sweetie! Your ol’ Sheriff will cheer you right up!
*POW!!*

Marian: Stay AWAY from me, you pervert!

Narrator: In spite of Guy and Prince John’s advice, Marian couldn’t stop thinking about the captured outlaw, and that very night, she snuck down to the dungeon.

(Scene: A dark, musty, very typical palace dungeon. It is empty, save for one cell. Marian enters, wearing a dark cloak, as if that would hide her identity. She looks around, then starts walking through the place, looking for Robin. When she finds him, he’s sitting slumped on the floor, head bowed.)

Marian: Psst. Hey, you.

(Robin slowly lifts his head, blinking.)

Robin: Huh?

Marian: Over here.

(Robin looks up, then stands and walks over to the bars of his cell door.)

Robin: Hey! I remember you, you’re - -

Marian: Maid Marian. We met in the forest before.

Robin: Oh, yeah.

Marian: Also, I . . . well . . . .

Robin: *Leaning against the bars* Helped get me thrown in here?

Marian: *Looks startled* What? I . . . well . . . I guess I did. I’m . . . I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen; that’s why I tried to warn you before.

Robin: *Grunts*

(They both fall silent. Marian looks around the dungeon uncomfortably, then looks at Robin, who is staring at her. He looks away for a moment, embarrassed, then looks back.)

Robin: Hey, um . . . Do I . . . know you from somewhere?

Marian: *Hopefully* You mean you remember? Playing together?

Robin: *Lighting up* Then it WAS you! I knew it! You look exactly the same, only bigger!

(Marian frowns but Robin doesn’t notice.)

Robin: Honestly, Marian, you haven’t changed a bit, you’re still . . . still . . . still getting me into trouble.

Marian: Hey! Like any of this was my fault!

Robin: Well you could’a given me the heads-up SOONER, ya know!

Marian: I tried! It’s not my fault you weren’t listening!

Robin: You didn’t have to go along with it!

Marian: What was I supposed to do, huh?! Playing my part was the only way I could even get close enough to warn you; they all know as soon as you won who you were!

Robin: You could’a come and told me before I won!

Marian: That would have given you away, you jerk!

Robin: Tomboy!

*BONK!!*

Robin: OW!

Marian: Serves you right! See if I ever come visit you again, you can just rot in prison for the rest of your life, see if I care!!

(Marian starts to stomp off. Robin is rubbing his head and glaring after her.)

Robin: Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I hope you won’t be disappointed that I won’t be stuck here long! After all, they’re gonna KILL me tomorrow!

(Marian freezes. She slowly turns and walks back. Robin is now silent, slumped against the wall, shoulders drooping.)

Marian: What . . . what are you talking about?

Robin: Prince John came in here to gloat earlier. Says he’ll be glad to rid the kingdom of my in . . . ini . . . inike . . . um . . . line?

Narrator: Iniquitous legerdemain.

Robin: Yeah, what she said.

Marian: *Frowning.* Your what?

Robin: I dunno. Anyway, they’re gonna. . . well, I dunno what. Hang me or chop my head off or throw me in a caldron of boiling oil or somethin’.

Marian: You’re . . . you’re joking!

Robin: *Shouts angrily* Do you think I’d joke about my own neck?! Well, do ya?

(Marian winces painfully, her eyes filling with tears. Robin sighs, anger deflating.)

Robin: I . . . I’m sorry. I just . . . .

Marian: Forget about it.

(They’re silent for a moment.)

Marian: Is there - - any way your foresters can get to you?

Robin: No, they’d never make it here in time. Even if they did, I’m not sure it’d do any good. I don’t really trust half of them, and I wouldn’t trust any of them with my life.

Marian: That’s terrible!

Robin: Hard ta’ find good help.

Marian: *Frowning* This is so wrong. How can they just throw somebody in the clink and execute them without a trial? *Blink.* Hey, how CAN they throw somebody in the clink and execute them without a trial?

Narrator: I’m not really sure. Flimsy twelfth century justice system, I guess.

Marian: Oh.

Robin: Look, thanks for comin’ down here and all but there’s really nothing you can do.

Marian: . . . Maybe there is. I . . . I think I’m going to help you.

Robin: Help . . . me? But I just said - -

Marian: I heard you. But if I were you, I’d just quietly accept and thank me before I get angry.

Robin: *Gulps, eyeing her mallet* Uh . . . t-thanks. But why?

Marian: Well, I . . . well, I-I just don’t think you deserve to die, you know! *Blushing* I’m just big-hearted, I guess.

Robin: *Doubtfully* Uh huh.

Marian: I’ve got to go. But don’t worry, I’ll think of some way to help you.

Robin: Uh . . . .

Marian: Bye!

(Marian runs off, leaving Robin to stare after her. He blinks, then shakes his head.)

Robin: Something about that girl . . . .

(Scene: A city square, the next day. A gallows has been set up in the middle.)

Narrator: The next day dawned, and Prince John and his cronies gloated that is was to be Robin Hood’s last. They all had front row seats for the gory event. As the hour drew near, Prince John became more and more confidant.

Prince John: What a glorious day this is! It is truly ill-fated that my beloved Marian was unable to attend this momentous event.

Sheriff: A weak stomach. Ha! No chance of that as far as I’M concerned! How we’ve waited for this day!

Prince John: Look at these downcast peasants come to morn their hero. Why should they so revere a filthy swindler?

Guy: *Shrugging* He defends the weak and abused.

Prince John: He lives to torment me! Ah, but I, the estimable John of England have won!

(Prince John starts laughing manically. Meanwhile, there is a flash of green on one corner of the stage.)

Prince John: *Recovering* Bring out the prisoner!

(Enter Robin, flanked by two guards. He looks nervous.)

Robin: Hey, are you sure this is safe?

Narrator: Of course it’s safe!

Robin: Are you sure? That’s real rope . . . .

Narrator: *Sighing* Ranma, dear, do you remember all those papers we put our John Hancock on before the play started?

Robin: John Hancock? Who’s that?

Narrator: *Sighing again* Oh . . . never mind.

(The guards proceed to take Robin up onto the gallows platform, fit the rope around his neck and - -)

Robin: HEY! Watch it, will ya?

Guard 1(Akari): Oh, I’m sorry! Let me loosen that for you.

Guard 2 (Sasuke): All ready, Master Prince John!

Prince John: Proceed!

(The guards leave the platform and a hooded figure readies to drop the trapdoor. He does it!)

*SHHIFT!*

(Robin drops to the ground as the rope breaks. An arrow plunges into the gallows pole, carrying the top half of the rope with it! Robin scrambles to his feet and disappears into the crowd before anyone can react. Prince John sits speechless for a few moments.)
Prince John: . . . AAAA! I have let the blackguard slip through my very fingers!! Oh, the fates have dealt with me cruelly this day!

Guy: *Shrugging* Well, better luck next time.

Prince John: *Glaring* Thou knows I do detest thee, Guy of Gisbourne.

Guy: Naturally.

(Scene changes to the exterior of a castle.)

Narrator: Now, when Robin got back to his hideout, his friends were very glad to see he’d escaped - -

Robin: Wait a minute, hold it! I thought they were supposed to rescue me!

Marian: *From offstage* Yeah, RIGHT! You think I’d actually leave it up to THEM?!

Robin: . . . Ok, good point.

Narrator: As I was saying, Robin’s friends were very glad to see him alive and well. But none of them could figure out who it was that had saved him, although several of them tried to take credit. Robin, however had a pretty good idea of who it had been, so that night . . . .

(Robin, wearing a black cloak, sneaks up to the castle wall and starts climbing the conveniently placed trellis.)

Guy: *From offstage* Just out of curiosity, is the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood your only reference?

Narrator: No. Just the most amusing one. Robin decided to find out if his suspicions were correct. Besides, he really wanted to see Marian again.

Robin: *Sweatdropping* Aw, the tomboy ain’t worth it. OW!

Marian: *Offstage* Baka!

Robin: How the heck did I find out that this was her window, anyway?!

Narrator: I . . . um . . . gosh, that’s a good question.

Robin: *Groan*

(Robin climbs up to the window and looks in to see Marian talking to Bess.

Bess: Oh, my! You are too reckless, my lady! I worry that you might get hurt! Prince John will be angry when he finds out, you know.

Marian: So what? What’s Prince John going to do to me?

Bess: I suppose . . . but still, it’s not exactly ladylike behavior . . . .

Robin: *From the window* But she’s not exactly a lady, ‘neither.

(Bess and Marian both whirl around. Marian gasps.)

Marian: AAA! You PERVERT!!

(Robin ducks Marian’s royal mallet.)
Robin: Hey, WATCH IT!! YA TRYIN’ TA KILL ME OR SOMETHIN’?!

Marian: Actually - -

Bess: Oh, dear! Don’t fight, you two! Someone will hear you.

Marian: Oh . . . rats! Bess, you can go now.

Bess: I’ll be right in the other room if you need me. (Exit Bess)

Marian: *Glaring* What do you want?

(Robin drops from the windowbox to the floor, thrusting his hands into his pockets. He’s trying to look nonchalant, but he’s starting to blush.)

Robin: Well, I . . . I WAS going ta thank you for helpin’ me out like I did. I know it had ta be you, and . . . well, you know, I . . . I . . . .

Marian: Yes?

(Marian approaches Robin, who blushes deeper and starts playing with his fingers.)

Robin: W-well, I . . . I just . . . I a-ap-preciate it an’ all, and, well . . . .

(Their eyes meet. Robin gulps, dropping his hands to his sides.)

Robin: Um . . . thank you.

Marian: *Looks away, blushing.* Oh . . . well . . . you’re welcome.

(There is an awkward pause. Robin rubs the back of his neck nervously, while Marian plays with the fabric of her dress.)

Robin: I, uh . . . well, I- I guess Prince John’s pretty mad about what happened, huh?

Marian: *Giggles* He was furious.

Robin: What happened?

Marian: Nothing. There’s no way he’ll ever figure out it was me, and even if he did, all I’d have to do is bat my eyelashes at him.

(As Marian speaks, she does just that in Robin’s direction. He stiffens and takes a step backwards.)
Robin: Uh . . . yeah, sure.

Marian: *Hesitating* . . . Robin . . . .

Robin: Huh?

Marian: Can I ask you something?

Robin: *Shrugging* Shoot.

Marian: Well . . . why’d you do it?

Robin: Do what?

Marian: Why did you turn rogue? Why’d you become an outlaw?

Robin: Oh - that. It’s kinda a long story. But basically, it’s because Prince John is a jerk. *He shrugs again* I mean, there’s no money in this whole stupid country and he doesn’t really care. He can’t figure out that the reason no one is payin’ their taxes is because he’s already got all the money. The guy is so in love with himself that he can’t see he’s kickin’ his kingdom out from under him.

Marian: You’ve got a point.

Robin: ‘Course I do. I don’t get this guy - - I didn’t like being rich.

Marian: Rich? What would YOU know about being rich?

Robin: Hey, hey, I come from a pretty lofty family myself! But having the dough only gets you into more parties. Yuck.

Marian: Hmm. When you put it that way . . . .

Robin: *Grinning* And besides - - being an outlaw is kinda fun!

Marian: *Rolling her eyes* Oh, brother. YOU would think so.

(They both lapse into silence. Marian starts fingering her dress again. Robin watches her for a moment, then looks around the room, before gazing down at the floor.)

Robin: So . . . uh . . . you live here in the palace now?

Marian: Yeah . . . Prince John invited me and my parents thought it was too good of a chance to pass up.
Robin: So, I . . . I take it you . . . like it here.

Marian: It’s very comfortable.

(Robin’s shoulders droop slightly. He looks away.)

Robin: I’m . . . sure a guy like Prince John could make a girl real happy, huh. I mean, he’s got everything a girl like you could want.

(Marian looks up quickly, at his dejected tone.)

Marian: What are you talking about?

Robin: Well, you just said it was comfortable. A rich jerk like that can afford fresh flowers and the whole bit . . . .

Marian: Don’t be ridiculous!

(Robin looks up, surprised. Marian puts her hands on her hips, shaking her head.)

Marian: You’re such a moron! He’s insane! Not only is he overplaying the whole prince thing to the point of bankrupting three fourths of the population, he’s also a pervert! And his SHERIFF! Ugh! *She shudders*

Robin: But he’s rich . . . .

Marian: So am I. Money can’t buy love.

(Marian taps on Robin’s forehead, making him jump.)

Marian: You said it yourself just a second ago, bonehead! Rich guys are all the same, they’re snobbish and pig-headed and vain and perverted!

Robin: Well, I know I said that, I just didn’t think you’d actually agree with me!

Marian: Don’t be a MORON! Of COURSE I agreed with you! You think I like Prince John any better than you do? He’s a nightmare! I could marry him if I wanted, but I don’t. In fact I’d - - *She stops suddenly*

Robin: *Curiously* You’d what?

Marian: *Blushing* I . . . I’d rather have somebody who’s . . . poor.

(Robin blinks, then blushes.)

Robin: I . . . oh.

(They both pause again.)

Robin: *Suddenly* Marian, you - - *He stops.*

Marian: Hmm?

Robin: You . . . you’re not like other rich girls, are you.

Marian: *Laughs* How could you tell?

Robin: Lucky guess.

(Robin smiles at Marian. Marian smiles back and looks as if she’s about to say something when there is the sound of footsteps in the corridor.)

Marian: *Gasping* Oh, no! You’ve got to get out of here, that sounds like Prince John!

Robin: But - -

Marian: *Pushing him towards the window* Go! Quickly! You don’t want to get caught, do you?

Robin: Well, no, but - -

Marian: *Incredulously* But WHAT?!

Robin: I . . . I don’t really want to leave you alone with him.

(Robin flushes as Marian’s face softens. She reaches out and pulls Robin’s hood up.)

Marian: *Softly* I’ll be alright. Worry about your own hide. *She chuckles, shaking her head* Good grief.

Robin: Marian . . . .

Marian: Now go! Hurry, before it’s too late!

Robin: *Stammering* W-will I see you again?

Marian: . . . I . . . yes. Now please just go!
(Robin hesitates a moment, then swings out the window. Marian spins around as her door opens and the stage goes dark.)

Narrator: Days went by. As the weeks past and he heard nothing of Marian, Robin grew restless. The more time passed, the more his newly rekindled love for - -

Robin: WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?!

Narrator: Ahem. The more time passed, the more his newly rekindled acquaintance with Marian occupied his . . . mind. *Aside* Yeesh, no fun at all. *Aloud* Then, one day, Robin received some very distressing news.

(Scene: Robin’s hideout in Sherwood. All his gang is there, talking and eating. Robin sits, picking at his food, oblivious to the conversation going on around him. Friar Tuck finally comes up and slaps him on the back.)

Friar Tuck: Buck up, boy, you look like you’ve lost your lady love.

Robin: *Bristling* What’s love got to - - oh, never mind.

Little John: are you kidding? He couldn’t get a girl if his life depended on it!

Robin: HEY!

Forester S: *Giggling* Airen! We hear some very interesting news today!

Robin: Huh?

Forester K: Yes! It seems that the magnanimous Prince John is on the verge of making Marian Fitzwalter a connubial proposal.

Robin: . . . Huh?

Forester U: He’s gonna propose to her, Robin-honey.

Robin: *Paling* P-propose? As in . . . m-marriage?

Forester S: That seem like most likely kind.

Robin: She . . . she’s not actually gonna marry . . .HIM, is she?! She can’t want to marry HIM!

Forester U: Who knows.

Will: Actually, it doesn’t really matter if she wants to marry him or not, if you ask me.

Little John: What do you mean?

Will: *Shrugs* Well, in noble families like that, it’s normal to have a marriage of convenience.

Forester K: That is indeed so. For a girl such as she to be extended such a inveigling proposition, refusal is entirely unthinkable.

Robin: You mean, he’s making her an offer she can’t refuse?

Forester K: Precisely, dearest Robin-sama!

Forester U: Besides, sugar, even if she isn’t interested in Prince John as a man, his money makes him attractive.

Forester S: Diamonds is a girl’s best friend! She become princess, buy her own palace and never even have to see husband!

Robin: *Testily* What if she isn’t interested in his money either?

Little John: *Suspiciously* And just how would YOU know her so well?

Forester U: *Shrugs* Even if she wasn’t interested in his money, the title would be worth it. And, if she really doesn’t want him or any of the perks she’d get by marrying him, her parents would.

Will: So, they’ll force her to marry him, even against her will.

Little John: That’s pretty rough.

Robin: *Muttering* Yeah, tell me about it.

(The conversation continues, but Robin walks off by himself, frowning.)

Robin: *Muttering* No way I’m gonna let her get married to that jerk. She can’t really WANT to marry him anyway . . . can she?

(Scene: Marian’s bedchamber again. Marian is there, with Bess.)

Marian: AAAAAUGH!!! I do NOT want to MARRY HIM!!

Bess: Try to calm down, lady. Would you like a cup of tea?

Marian: No! I just want Prince John to take my NO for an answer! I am NOT going to marry him! Ever! AND ESPECIALLY NOT TOMORROW! I told him NO!!

Bess: *Hesitates* It . . . is it because of the outlaw?

Marian: *Freezes* The . . . outlaw?

Bess: Well, you care for him, don’t you?

Marian: Care for . . . .

(Marian drops into a chair, blushing.)

Marian: W-well, no! Of course not! Why would I care about a jerk like him? Of course I don’t, why - it’s ridiculous, he’s just . . . a . . . an outlaw . . . . *She trails off.*

Bess: *Sympathetically* I know it’s been hard on you since Prince John proposed.

Marian: *Softly* . . . He’s got everything ready for a wedding, you know. He’s doubled the castle guard, too and . . . .

Bess: You miss him, don’t you? After all, he was your best friend all those years ago.

(Marian looks out the window sadly. Bess is silent for a moment, then clears her throat.)

Bess: You know, that Robin Hood seems like a very nice boy.

(Marian looks at her silently, curious.)

Bess: Although . . . being an outlaw . . . living in the dark woods . . . I’m sure he must get very lonely sometimes.

Marian: . . . Bess . . . ?

Bess: I’m sure he’d like some company. All alone in the forest.

(Marian stares at Bess, dumbfounded, until Bess smiles.)

Bess: I have a little something for you . . . if you’re interested. I just thought you might like to take a little walk . . . tomorrow afternoon, maybe?

Marian: . . . Bess. . . you’re amazing.

(Scene: Somewhere in Sherwood Forest.)

Narrator: The next day was to be the day of Prince John’s ridiculously rushed and underplanned wedding. Robin was nearly beside himself, but to approach Nottingham Castle was certain capture, and Prince John would not let him slip away twice. But Robin couldn’t stay away completely, so, disguising himself as a soldier, Robin set off for Nottingham. If he could at least get inside the city, he might hear some news of Marian. Robin didn’t really trust his Merry Harem with this particular task. As he came to a bridge over one of the streams running through the forest, however, Robin came across an unknown forester. Suspicious of Prince John’s spies, Robin stopped.

(Robin is wearing a soldier’s garb. His helmet has a noseguard and he’s wearing a scarf, concealing his face. Likewise, the forester is hooded and cloaked, also hiding his identity. They both stop and face off. Robin is a good bit taller and more muscular than the thin, lithe forester.)

Robin: Er . . . *Deepening his voice* Halt! Who goes there!

Forester: *Stopping* No one of interest to Prince John.

Robin: Uh . . . w-what are you doing here? Don’t you know that these woods are home to Robin Hood?

Forester: *Testily* Of course I do! Let me by.

Robin: *In his normal voice* W-wait! *Deepening it again* Uh, I mean, I’m afraid I can’t let you pass! It’s far too dangerous for, um, a young boy like you to be wandering around in here.

Forester: A young - - wait a minute, YOU’RE not any older than ME!

Robin: *Forgetting to change his voice* Yeah . . . but I can take care of myself.

Forester: What are you saying? That I can’t?!

Robin: Well . . . .

Forester: *Growling* I don’t have time for this! Let me by, I need to find someone.

Robin: Really? Who?

Forester: None of your business! Why are you patrolling the woods anyway, there’s a wedding in town, go patrol that.

Robin: *Grumpily* Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I have more right to be here than you, anyway.

Forester: Says who?

Robin: Says ME! Now get lost, the forest is no place for a little shrimp like you!

Forester: You’re just a big loser jerk! Leave me alone!

(The forester runs forward and takes a swing at Robin, which he easily dodges.)

Robin: Hey, watch it, kid! You’ll hurt yourself!

Forester: Worry about your own hide!

Robin: Huh?

(Robin dodges as the forester swings again. This time, he drops and swings his leg around to knock the forester off his feet, but the forester jumps and Robin misses.)

Forester: You jerk!

(The forester lands on Robin’s head, but he grabs the forester’s ankle and throws him to the ground.)

Robin: *Growling* Why you little - -

Forester: You’re just a super-knight wannabe!

Robin: Oh, YEAH?!

Forester: Baka!

Robin: Weakling!

(They both charge each other, both miss and both whirl to face each other. Both of their bows are drawn and strung, the arrowheads practically touching. They stand, panting for a few moments, before Robin slowly lowers his bow.)

Robin: *Chuckling* Hold on a second. You don’t like me very much, do you.

Forester: Of COURSE I don’t like you very much!! You’re one of Prince John’s brainless hoard of dipwads.

Robin: Exactly! I think I’ve been going at this the wrong way.

(Robin leans against his bow.)
Robin: You’re tougher than I thought. You might make a good forester after all.

(The forester hesitates, then slowly lowers his bow.)

Forester: Wha . . . what?

Robin: *Smiling crookedly* The truth is . . . I’m not really one of Prince John’s men. I’m an outlaw.

(The forester’s bow drops to the ground and he steps back, gasping. Robin blinks in surprise.)

Forester: That - - I - - no! You can’t be . . . .

Robin: Robin Hood? *Smiles and nods* Yep, that’s me!

Forester: I . . . oh, what a pair of blockheads!

Robin: Huh?

Forester: *With a sudden change of vocal pitch* Robin - - Robin, it’s me!

Robin: *Paling* Marian?!

(Marian throws her hood back. Robin snatches his helmet off, stepping towards her.)

Robin: Damn! Marian, I . . . I’m sorry . . . .

Marian: *Sheepishly* Don’t worry about it.

Robin: *Frowning unhappily* I could have hurt you.

Marian: If you got that close I’d have recognized you.

(Robin nods slowly, then strips off the whole uniform, revealing his regular clothes underneath. Marian is now dressed similarly.)

Robin: Um . . . you should have let me know you were coming, I wouldn’t have dressed up like that. I was only posing as a guard to sneak into Nottingham so I could . . . could . . . .

(Marian smiles bashfully as realization dawns on Robin’s face. He mutely points at her, eyes wide. Marian blushes, looking down at her feet.)

Robin: I . . . w-what are you doing here? Your wedding is . . . was . . . you’re not . . . you didn’t . . . you came . . . .
(Marian nods yes to each of Robin’s unfinished statements. Finally, he drops his hand and stares at her. Marian looks back up at him.)

Marian: I, um . . . I thought I’d come and, ah . . . visit you. I mean, the guards around the palace have been tripled so I knew you wouldn’t be able to come to me, so I just . . . thought it might be a good day to get out of the city for a change.

Robin: . . . Yeah.

(Marian looks at Robin, who’s staring at her with an almost bewitched expression on his face. She blushes again. After a while, Robin shakes his head, trying to clear it.)

Robin: B-but, I just don’t get it. You gave up a chance to be a princess - - maybe a queen.

Marian: I know. But, I’d - - I’d rather be . . . happy.

(They both look a little nervous. After a moment of hesitation, Robin steps closer and takes Marian’s hands. She lets him, but doesn’t look at him. Now Robin looks very nervous.)

Robin: Marian, I . . . I’m just an- an outlaw, but . . . b-but I could t-treat you like a princess anyway. If you - - *He stops.*

Marian: *Looking up at him slowly* Yes?

Robin: *He glances offstage uncertainly* M-Marian, I . . . s-stay with me.

Marian: With you?

Robin: *Gulp!* Y-yeah. I don’t have m-much, b-but I’ll . . . *He gulps again, shaking with nervousness* I-I’ll make you Q-Queen of Sherwood.

(By this point, Robin looks very close to passing out. Marian looks up and smiles at him, and he almost loses it, sways, and manages to hold on, face reddening with every passing moment.)

Marian: *Quietly* I . . . I’d like that, Ranma.

Robin: Akane . . . .

(Silence as they stare at each other. Then they both suddenly and simultaneously realize their mistake. There is a frenzied moment of totally unintelligible spluttering before they both turn sharply and exit the stage in opposite directions, eyes wide, faces burning.)

Narrator: Huh? W-what?! Wait! The scene’s not - - oh - - poopy. Now why can’t they ever just do that when I put it in the script? And it was just getting good and they cop out! *sigh* Oh, well. Ahem. Moving on. When the - - hrm, heat of the moment had passed, the two, er . . . sweethearts realized that it wouldn’t really be wise or safe for Marian to stay in Sherwood when she could spy for Robin back in Nottingham.. So that night, Robin escorted Marian safely back to Nottingham, and she found her way back into the castle. The next morning, however, she had to face Prince John.

(Scene: Back at the castle. Prince John and the Sheriff are standing near the window, in conversation.)

Prince John: - And it is understandable of course! I can see it clearly!

(Marian enters, in her dress again. She still looks a little flustered.)

Prince John: Ah! My beloved Marian!

*Glomp!*

Marian: Get off of me, you pervert!

Prince John: My beautiful jewel, how well I understand your disappearance. Surely the thought of being wed to me was too much for your maiden’s heart to bear and you fled in a fit of overwhelming emotions!

Marian: Something like that. EEK!

Sheriff: It’s alright, you’re still as healthy as ever!

(Marian kicks both of them out the window.)

Marian: Bunch of PERVERTS!

(Guy of Gisbourne enters)

Guy: Huh, that’s strange, I could have sworn I heard the Prince’s voice in here.

(Prince John suddenly appears behind her in the doorway.)

Prince John: Indeed, I am here! What news have you, Guy of Gisbourne?

Guy: *Turning* Oh, there you are, Princey-baby. I just heard from your Captain of the Guard. All the taxes has been collected, and they’re ready to bring it back to the palace.

Prince John: Truly? It is better than I had imagined! NOW my wedding to the lovely Marian shall verily be a truly glorious event! *He throws his head back and laughs*
Guy: *Holding up a finger* Problem.

Prince John: HA HA HA - Eh?

Guy: The only way to get all the gold here is for the convoy to pass through Sherwood Forest.

Prince John: Oh, how cruel is fate! Surely the very gods doth mock me!

Guy: On the contrary, this could be your big chance to catch Robin Hood. No way he’ll be able to resist that much gold.

Prince John: Indeed. Guy of Gisbourne, be off at once! Meet the convoy, and bring me Robin Hood!

Guy: As you wish.

(All this time, Marian has been listening quietly. Now she slowly rises and sneaks out of the room. Guy sees her go.)

Guy: . . . Your Royalness, I don’t think the Lady Marian can be trusted with this information.

Prince John: What?

Guy: *Smirking* Well, just where do you think she’s been sneaking off to?

Prince John: . . . ZOUNDS! The evil villain has bewitched her! What shall I do?!

Guy: This may sound harsh, but I think you should lock her up.

Prince John: What? Imprison my lady love? I cannot do such a wicked thing!

Guy: It’s for her own good, you know. Besides, if Robin really cares about her, he’ll come to save her and not only will you capture him, but the convoy will be safe as well. Trust me. It’s the smartest thing to do.

Prince John: I suppose . . . what a bitter turn of events this is, to force upon me such unhappy choices.

Guy: That’s the way it goes.

Prince John: Very well, Gisbourne. Have your way!

(Guy bows and exits, ending the scene.)

(Scene: Robin’s hideout. He and the men are there, and as they sit, the Merry Harem rushes up.)
Forester K: Oh, Robin-sama! We have such fascinating information.

Robin: *Muttering* I’ll bet.

Forester S: Prince John send lot of money through Sherwood tomorrow! It taxes, plenty of gold!

Robin: What?

Forester U: He’s bringing it back to the castle! They’ll pass through the greenwood not far from here!

Robin: Well, great, let’s - -

Forester S: Wait, airen, that not all! We learn very surprising thing today!

Robin: *Moaning* Not more interesting news . . . .

Forester K: It seems that Prince John has placed Marian Fitzwalter under house arrest and taken her into custody.

Forester U: He’s thrown her in the dungeon!

Robin: W-what?!

Forester S: One day want marry, very next day throw in prison. What kind of crazy husband this guy?

Robin: I wish you guys would stop TELLING me things! Every time you give me any information something BAD happens! *He sighs* Ok, ok, we need a plan. Why would he throw Marian in jail?

Will: You’ve seen a lot of her lately, haven’t you?

Little John: Oh, HAVE you, now?!

Robin: *Stammering Uh, w-well, not really, I-I mean we’ve bumped into each other a couple times . . . . Nothing really big, I swear!

Friar Tuck: Ha! I knew you had it in you my boy, that’s the way to go!

Forester K: The point is, I believe, that you’ve been seeing more of this miss than Prince John prefers. She clearly isn’t worth your attentions, Robin-darling.

Forester U: But why would he lock her up? To keep you from finding out about the money?

Forester S: Can’t be. That all over town already.
Will: Hmm. Maybe there’s something else going on.

Little John: Prince John must be planning something he didn’t want you to find out about!

Robin: Great. Just terrific. Hmm. Alright, guys, we’ve got to work something out. I’m going to get Marian out of jail, but we’ve also got to stop that convoy.

Little John: Prince John is planning to capture you for sure; you’d better watch it.

Forester S: We can help!

Forester: Certainly, dearest Robin, I am quite a capable woman.

Robin: Yeah. *Sweatdrop.* Anyway, I think I’ve got an idea . . . .

Narrator: So Robin began working on his own plot to counter Prince John’s. When the next day dawned, both sides were ready to act. The convoy started through the forest as planned.

(Scene: Another part of Sherwood. Little John, Will Scarlet and Friar Tuck are hiding in the bushes.)

Little John: Are you sure those girls know what they’re doing?

Friar Tuck: I couldn’t say.

Little John: Well they’d better not mess up, or we’re dead ducks!

(Will glares at Little John.)

Little John: Er . . . sorry.

Will: Don’t mention it. I’m sure they’ll be fine, they want to impress Robin, don’t they?

Little John: Speaking of which, I can’t believe we let that jerk go off on his own!

Will: Why should you care? If he gets captured that puts you in charge, doesn’t it?

Little John: Now that you mention it . . . .

Friar Tuck: Shh. Someone’s coming!

(The foresters fall silent. The convoy rides into view. The Captain of the Guard, the two guards from before and Guy of Gisbourne make up the party. With them, in a coach, is an enormous treasure chest. They make it halfway across the stage before the Merry Harem pounces from the trees.)

Forester S: Halt!

Forester K: I would advise you to surrender at once.

(The other foresters come out of hiding and surround the party.)

Little John: Ha! You’re outnumbered!

Guard 1: Ryoga!!

Little John: *Blushing* Oh, h-hi, Akari . . . .

Captain of the Guard: This is an outrage! *Bouncing on her horse* You nasty bad robbers! Let us go by!

Will: How dare you speak that way to my beautiful Shampoo!

Guy: I don’t think you realize what you’re getting into.

Guard 2: Master Prince John isn’t going to be happy about all this!

Forester U: Don’t you worry about Prince John, sugar.

Captain of the Guard: Go ‘way! You’re gonna be in big trouble!

Guy: *Smirking* If I were you, I would avoid getting Prince John’s captain angry.

Forester K: Ah, but we have yet to reveal our secret weapon!

Friar Tuck: That’s right! Let’s see how your captain likes THIS!

(The scene ends abruptly, opening again outside the castle walls. Robin is sneaking up one of them, dropping into one of the tower windows.)

Robin: Heh. Piece of cake.

Voice: There he is!

(Robin turns to find himself face to face with a whole troupe of castle guards, who, in case you wished to know, happen to be a number of athletes from Furinkan High School who responded to an ad posted on same’s bulletin board. They are led by the Sheriff.)

Robin: Oh - - darn.

Sheriff: Ha! We’ve got you now, you fool!

*SPLOOSH!*

Robin-chan: HEY! What’dja do that for, you jerk!?

Sheriff: Come to Happi, sweety-pie!

(Robin-chan sneers as the Sheriff lunges for her, then, at the last moment she steps to the side and he goes sailing past her, out the window.)

Robin-chan: Heh, so long, ya old goat.

(Robin-chan spots a bucket sitting nearby. She runs over, grabs a torch from the wall and plunges it into the bucket, thereby logically creating a bucket of hot water. She douses herself with it.)

Robin: Alright!

(Robin spins around to face the castle guards, cracking his knuckles.)

Robin: You think you can stop me, huh? Go ahead and try!

(A fierce battle erupts. Robin is fighting off legions of soldiers. It doesn’t take long before the soldiers start fighting each other in the confusion, and the whole castle is engulfed in fencing and fistfighting. All the while, Robin is working his way towards the dungeon, where Marian is trapped, listening to the roar of the battle going on above her.)

Marian: What on earth -?!

Muffled Voice: Catch him, there he goes!

Marian: *Eyes widening* What? It can’t be - - Robin, no! What are you thinking, you silly jerk?

Muffled Voice: You hold him, I’ll finish him off!

Marian: Wha - - NO! Robin!

2nd Muffled Voice: What tha - - that’s not him, you moron!! Where’d the slippery little thug GO?!

(Suddenly the dungeon door bursts open and Robin barrels inside. Marian barely has time to gasp before he charges at the cell door and kicks it open.)

*CLANNGG!!*

(Robin goes flying into Marian’s cell, bouncing off the far wall. He recovers his balance and turns to her, panting.)

Robin: . . . Hi.

Marian: *Slightly shaken.* H-hi.

Robin: C’mon, let’s get outta here.

(Robin extends his hand. Marian takes it, and the pair of them run out of the dungeon. Upstairs, the fight has turned into a free-for-all. There are extras all over the place, some dressed as guards, some as foresters, and some wearing suspiciously modern clothes, probably members of the audience who couldn’t resist getting in on the fun. Robin grabs Marian around the waist and hops up onto the first of a series of large, swinging chandeliers. Marian clings to him as he jumps from one to the next. When he lands on the last one, however, it drops out from under him. Robin jumps clear, landing safely with Marian nearby, as the chandelier squashes several extras instead. The Sheriff is standing nearby, the chandelier's rope in one hand and a water bucket in the other.)

Sheriff: Don’t think you can get away as easily as that! If you think I’m going to let a pair of stalwart young ladies just disappear, you’re wrong!

(The Sheriff raises the bucket to splash a cringing Robin. But, suddenly, the bucket is no longer there. The Sheriff looks confused for a moment, then looks left, right and finally straight up, just in time to see the loaded bucket clang onto his head.)

Marian: You miserable little LECHER!!

(Marian pulls out her mallet and gives the bucket a good whack, causing it to vibrate. The Sheriff falls over. Marian straightens up, tucks her mallet away, smooths her dress to calm herself and smiles at Robin.)

Marian: Um . . . shall we?

(Robin’s mouth hangs open for a moment, then he closes it, looking at her with admiration.)

Robin: Ok.

(The pair heads for the door again, but suddenly Prince John appears in their path.)

Prince John: HALT, you wicked blackguard! I’ll not allow you to abscond with the Lady Marian! Come to me, my darling and allow me to rescue you from this black-hearted devil!

Marian: *Ducking behind Robin* Don’t you dare touch me! I don’t WANT to be rescued!

Robin: *Fiercely* Let’s go, you an’ me, right here!

Prince John: *Laughs* HA HA HA!! Nay, you treasonous dog! It is not I that shalt put you in your place this day! I shall take far more satisfaction in locking you in my dungeon for several decades! GUY OF GISBOURNE!!

(Robin growls and Marian clutches his arm. After a moment, Guy enters through the doors.)

Guy: You bellowed?

Prince John: Remove this unworthy outlaw from my sight!

Guy: Sorry, Your Highness, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Prince John: WHAT? You jest, Guy of Gisbourne. Am I not your employer?!

Guy: . . . Actually, no.

Prince John: *Turning purple* What mockery do you speak?!

Guy: As we suspected, Robin Hood’s outlaws met us in the woods, and it appears, Majesty, that their monthly salary is better than mine. So - *She dons a woodsman’s cap* I have decided to become an outlaw.

Prince John: AAAAUGH!! WHAT CRUEL NEW TRICK OF THE GODS IS THIS?! Where is my Captain of the Guard!!? Come at once and arrest these traitors!

(The Captain of the Guard enters, sucking on an enormous lollipop.)

Captain: Yeah! The foresters have lots and lots of yummy candy! They give me all I want! I’m gonna be a forester, too!

(Prince John gives a scream of rage. Robin meanwhile, throws his head back and laughs in true Robin Hood fashion until Marian tugs his pigtail.)

Marian: Alright already, that’s enough.

Robin: Ok.

Prince John: You have turned my troops against me and bewitched the Lady Marian! Evil sorcerer, you shall not escape unscathed!! I SHALL SMITE THEE!

(He charges.)

Robin: Back OFF, you jerk!

Marian: Get AWAY!

(They both kick him backwards. He flies back and slams into his own castle doors. At that moment, the doors fly open again and all Robin’s foresters burst in, squishing Prince John flat. None of the crowd of fighting soldiers notices any of this.)

Forester S: Airen! We got all the money! Now Robin can marry beautiful Shampoo!

Forester K: Do not make me laugh, insolent, selfish girl! It is *I* to whom Robin has pledged his heart.

Forester U: Neither of you bimbos has a chance! I’M Robin’s favorite!

Will: Shampoo! Where are you?

Friar Tuck: That’s the way, Robin, you just show her how manly you are.

Little John: You fiend! What have you done with Maid Marian?!

Guard 1: Ryoga, I’m so glad to see you again, I thought you got lost!

Guard 2: Oh, no! Poor Master Prince John . . . .

Captain of the Guard: Oh, my! Look at all these delinquent students! I’ll just have to teach them a lesson!

Sheriff: More pretty ladies!

Guy: I wonder if I could make some extra cash off of this.

Prince John: *Muffled* Don’t think you’ve gotten away with this, you nefarious scoundrel!

(As all the major cast members get caught up in the crazy Battle of the Extras, the castle hall is in utter chaos. The scene changes to reveal that Robin and Marian have escaped to one of the guard towers outside.)

Robin: Those jerks.

Marian: *Muttering* Tell me about it.

(They’re both silent for a minute.)

Marian: Um . . . I . . . I guess I should thank you . . . for coming to rescue me and all . . . .

Robin: Oh, ah . . . don’t worry about it.

Marian: No, really. It was nice of you to want to rescue me.

Robin: Hey, I didn’t rescue you cause I wanted to.

Marian: *Bristling* Oh, really?

Robin: *Oblivious* Of course not. I rescued you cause I had to.

Marian: *Angry* Oh, well thank YOU! I’m sorry you felt so OBLIGATED, if it was so much of a bother, maybe you shouldn’t have come at all!

Robin: Huh?

(Robin is clearly confused. Marian turns away from him and marches to the farthest end of the tower. Robin trails after her.)

Robin: Hey, c’mon, what’s wrong? What’d I say?

Marian: Oh, nothing at all. Only that you didn’t want to rescue me.

Robin: I didn’t say that!

Marian: You did so! You said *Mocking, falsetto voice* ‘Hey, I didn’t rescue you cause I wanted to’. Thanks, big favor. I’m sorry you assumed I was so helpless you ‘HAD’ to rescue me!

(Marian crosses her arms and turns away. Robin puts a hand on her shoulder, but she shakes it off.)

Robin: *Desperately* Hey, Come ON, Marian! I didn’t say I didn’t want to rescue you, I just said that wasn’t why I did it!

Marian: I know, you did it because you had to. I’d hate to see you lose your hero medal on MY account.

Robin: Cut it out! I didn’t rescue you to look good or nothin’, I had to because . . . I had to rescue you because I - because - I . . . .
(Robin stammers for a moment. Marian slowly looks over her shoulder, curious.)

Marian: You what?

Robin: W-well, I-y-ee . . . I kinda . . . you know . . . I . . . t-thiiink you’re c-c-c-cute . . . .

Marian: *Emotionlessly* That’s it. That’s the reason.

Robin: *Blushing* Huh?

Marian: You rescued me because you think I’m cute? That’s all? That’s what this has all been about?

(When Robin doesn’t answer, Marian lowers her head.)

Marian: *Bitterly* Oh, just go back to your forest. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding some ‘cute’ little forester girl. Or two.

Robin: Well, what are you all huffy about?

Marian: Oh, you mean that I was taking you seriously when you said you wanted me to stay with you? Why didn’t you just say you were joking?

Robin: I . . . I wasn’t joking!

Marian: Oh, right, sure.

Robin: I WASN’T!

Marian: It’s all just show with you, isn’t it?! I can’t believe how selfish and egotistical you are!

Robin: ME selfish?! Egotistical?! ME?

Marian: Yeah, you!

(As they argue, both start rolling their eyes, glaring at each other and commonly crossing their arms or putting hands on their hips. They also get progressively closer as they square off.)

Robin: OH, now I get it! Now I understand! You really had me goin’ for a while, but I get it. I’m just not good enough for you, is that it? You like him better than me, is that right?!

Marian: I never said that! I never liked him better, but maybe I was wrong when I thought you were good enough for me. But why should it matter, when you don’t even care!
Robin: I do SO!

Marian: No, you don’t! You just want some cute little twit that you can impress, don’t you? Go marry one of your little fangirls!

Robin: *Shouting* Well maybe I just WILL then!! That’d make you real happy, huh?! Then you can marry your WON-der-ful PRINCE!

Marian: At least he isn’t a swaggering hero-wannabe!

Robin: No, only a bonehead who’s in love with himself!

Marian: At least he’ll care about me! At least he’d try to make me happy!

Robin: I could make you happy!

Marian: You’re too busy trying to be perfect and save the day and be everybody’s role model!! *Falsetto voice again* OHH, LOOK at ME, I’m Robin Hood and I’ve SAVED the princess from the dungeon, YAAAY!!

Robin: *Shouting again* And I suppose it’s not enough that I could have gotten KILLED for you, that I got thrown in JAIL because I went to that stupid tournament to see YOU, I almost got strung up -

Marian: That was NOT my fault! Don’t you DARE try and blame that on me, and stop trying to impress me with your STUPID life of danger!!

Robin: You UNCUTE TOMBOY SNOBBY PRINCESS WANNABE!

Marian: YOU EGOTISTICAL GREEDY HEARTLESS PETTY CRIMINAL!!

Robin: I’d never marry you if you BEGGED me to!!

Marian: Oh, YEAH!! Well, see if I ever visit you in JAIL after I’m QUEEN!!

Robin: Like I’d WANT you to!

Marian: GOOD!

Robin: FINE!

(They’re practically nose to nose now, and shouting furiously.)

Marian: You are the BIGGEST JERK EVER!!
Robin: At least I’m not gonna marry a POEM SPEWING MORON! But I’m SURE you’ll be SOOO HAPPY TOGETHER!!

Marian: I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!! GO AWAY AND DON’T COME BACK!!

Robin: FINE!

Marian: FINE!

Robin: FINE!

Marian: FINE!

Robin: FINE! I WILL! I’ll be HAPPY to!

Marian: Good! Just go! And don’t come back!

Robin: I WILL!! Never MIND that I saved your fancy butt from marrying that jerk, never MIND that I went to ALL this trouble for YOU, never MIND that I climbed up the stupid castle walls-

Marian: Will you just SHUT UP?!

Robin: *Louder* Never MIND that I went CRAZY trying to SAVE YOU -

Marian: STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Robin: *Still louder* NEVER MIND THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU - - !!

(Marian gasps, turning pale for a moment, then flushing deeply as the words hang in the suddenly still air. Well, still except for the faint sounds of melee fighting from downstairs. Robin’s face turns even paler, practically dead white. He is frozen for a second or two, then takes a staggering step backwards and turns around, burying his face in his hands with a low moan. Marian looks at the floor, unsteady for a moment, her hands on her chest. Then, she slowly looks back up. Her face is red, and her eyes are beginning to fill with tears. She goes slowly over to Robin, circles around to face him and takes his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. He doesn’t look at her, but his cheeks are flaming. Marian leans into his line of vision, eyes moist.)

Marian: *Softly* You . . . you really mean it . . . ?

(Robin averts his gaze.)

Robin: I-I . . . .
(He hesitates. Marian takes one of his hands in both of hers and squeezes it, looking at him hopefully. If possible, he turns even redder.)

Robin: W-well, I . . . well . . . yeah.

(Marian hugs him.)

Marian: I knew it!

Robin: *Stammering* H-huh?

Marian: *Sighing* Oh, Ranma . . . .

Robin: *Terrified* Uh-uh-A-Akane . . .?

Marian: I love you too.

Robin: *Blinks* You do?

Marian: *Shyly* Uh huh.

Robin: . . .Wow . . . .

(Marian laughs softly, then lifts her head and they stare at each other. Marian has those lovely doe eyes anime gals get.)

Robin: So, uh, I, uh . . . I guess you . . . w-w-won’t wanna marry that guy, then?

Marian: Nope. That is, unless somebody chickens out *meaningful look*and messes up. Again.

Robin: Ch-chickens out?

Marian: Yeah, like he usually does.

Robin: Who’s gonna chicken out? Not *gulp* me . . .

Marian: Good. *Coyly* I dare you.

Robin: Uh . . . heh heh . . . er, ah . . .hmm. Well . . . .

(He shrugs slightly before pulling her close as they kiss. As their lips meet, you can hear crickets chirping as the audience stares in shock. The rest of the cast is conveniently still fighting, as can be seen through the castle windows. Those audience members seated to the extreme left of the stage can see the Narrator/Director doing an exultant victory jig in the wings. Suddenly Prince John flies through the window and lands with a splat on the stage floor. Forester K leaps out the window landing gracefully atop her brother and fellow actor, followed by Forester S who completely destroys a wall on her way out, causing the entire castle to crumble and fall. As it does so, it tears the curtain which flutters down gently to rest atop the whole mess, while actors emerge one by one from the rubble in various stages of injury. Fortunately for our heros, their tower remains standing and their kiss goes on blissfully as everybody else heads out for blood. Arianna picks her way across the stage and bows.)

Arianna: Thank you so much for coming tonight. I hope it is obvious that at least our hero and heroine lived happily ever after, at least until any of the other cast members see them. They ruled Sherwood Forest and lived together in relative peace and harmony. Ah! But there are those of you who ask, ‘What about King Richard? Why haven’t we seen King Richard?’

(Principal Kuno slides onstage.)

Principal Kuno: Hey, I be the Big Pineapple in this part o’ de island!

(A long cane tugs him back offstage.)

Arianna: Hmm, now aren’t you sorry you asked? Please come again in a few years when I’ve recuperated from this madness. Oh, and if any of you noticed that I disappeared for the last ten pages straight, I’d just like to quash the rumor that I was making a doughnut run; I was right here the whole time. Thank you. Please check the back of your ticket stubs to see if you’ve won our free prize for this week, a year’s supply of pencils that Arianna has rejected because not only are they #3s, they also have those nasty white erasers that don't erase, but maybe you can use them for kindling or something. Good night, all.

(Fade to Black . . . .)

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