[The curtain opens]

[You see a chubby girl sitting in a director's chair. She has straw-colored hair pulled back in a banana clip. At the moment, she is busy reading a manga and eating an enormous doughnut. She looks up suddenly and notices you. She blinks a few times, then smiles widely like the cat-that-ate-the-very-expensive-canary.]

Arianna: Hello there. Welcome to the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre. [she stuffs the rest of the doughnut into her mouth as she wipes her hands on a napkin and picks up a large binder marked 'Cast'] Today's performance will be a delightfully rendered version of the classic tale 'Repunzel'. The part of Repunzel will be played be Akane Tendo.

[Shampoo suddenly appears onstage, followed by Ukyo and Kodachi]

All three: What?! *I* should have the lead! [They look at each other] What are you talking about?! *I* should have the lead!! [They all pull their weapons and begin chasing each other, right off the stage]

Arianna: Heh heh...pardon the interruption, folks. The part of the prince will be played by Ranma Saotome..

Akane and Ranma: WHAT?! [Their heads appear suddenly from either side of the stage. Their eyes meet and they glare at each other, a thin, laser-like line appearing in the air]

Arianna: [ignoring them] The part of Repunzel's parents will be played by...er...Ryoga Hibiki and Ukyo Kuonji.

Ukyo: [Stops chasing Shampoo and slooowly turns.] What? I'm Akane's MOTHER? Married to...RYOGA???

Ryoga: This is completely wrong! I belong with Akane, not with Ukyo! Married to HER? You can hardly even tell she's a woman-

[Ryoga gets smashed into the floor at this point by Ukyo's spatula]

Arianna: Heh heh...ahem, the witch will be Kodachi, (Can't argue with THAT one, ne?) And because I can't leave them out, the randomly inserted cat and duck will be Shampoo and Mousse as Neko-chan and Mu Mu-chan. We'll get started right after this!

Commercial Break.

Salesperson: [Smiling Broadly] Good afternoon. I'm Nabiki Tendo for-

Arianna: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I never said YOU could do a commercial!

Nabiki: What are you talking about? I'm just honestly advertising an efficient and useful product.

Arianna: [muttering] and if you believe that, there's a bridge I'd like to sell you, too. [Aloud] Well, it doesn't matter, since we're ready to go! RAISE THE CURTAIN!!

[Curtain goes up, as Arianna blissfully ignores the fact that it was already up]

Narrator (Arianna): Once upon a time there was a young couple who wanted a child. However, they also refused to sleep together, so they sent for the husband's little sister to come live with them.

Ranma: [snickers] Boy, way to tap-dance.

Narrator: Shut up.

[Ukyo and Ryoga are sitting in a small cottage, glaring at each other.]

Narrator: Now, their home was next to a wall. Behind the wall was a garden. The garden belonged to a terrible, scary witch. In the garden, besides the many poisonous and dastardly herbs the witch had growing there, there was a vegetable-type plant called repunzel.

[There is a peal of wicked-sounding laughter from offstage]

Narrator: [Shudders] Ahem. Anyway, the wife spent many days cleaning the house and worrying about what her mother-in-law would say to her when she brought the girl to stay. The wife would see that repunzel every day when she took the trash out, and since everybody knows that repunzel tastes great on okonomiaki, as well as soothing frazzled nerves, she developed a rather severe craving for it and asked her husband to fetch some of it for her.

Ukyo: [Grabs Ryoga by the collar and shakes him] GET ME SOME OF THAT! NOW!!

Narrator: Always willing to please his beloved wife, the husband agreed.

Ryoga: [Gets swatted out of the house by Ukyo's spatula] Alright, I'm going, I'm going!

Narrator: So, the husband jumped over the wall and gathered some repunzel for his wife, being very careful not to let the witch know he was there. Unfortunately, the husband also had no sense of direction, so instead of heading back to his own home with his heisted veggies, he walked into the witch's instead.

Ryoga: [Opening the door and finding himself face-to-face with Kodachi] Oh, damn.

Kodachi (Witch): Oh hohohohoho! Now I've got you, you premeditated pilferer!

Ryoga: Huh?

Narrator: That means 'gotcha, thief'.

Ryoga: Oh.

Kodachi: [is wearing a black leotard with a matching cape, as well as your standard, pointy witch's hat] Now that I've got you, what shall I do with you? Shall I put you in a big pot and boil you?

Ryoga: [turns pale] What?! No, no! You don't understand, lady! I need this for my wife! My sister is visiting and she's going crazy!

Kodachi: Oh, is that so? Well then, take the repunzel, but when your sister arrives you must give her to me! Ranma-darling will be all mine at last! [bursts into evil laughter]

Ryoga: [facefault] Uh...sure...

Narrator: Now, the day came when the sister arrived, and at once the evil witch swept upon her and carried her off to the woods. There she placed her in a locked tower. The only way in was to climb up the girl's long hair. The witch wasn't terribly original, so she called the girl 'Repunzel' even though this was not her name.

Akane: This is ridiculous!

Narrator: Hush. When the witch wanted to get into the tower to taunt Repunzel, she would call 'Repunzel, Repunzel, let down your hair, that I might climb the golden stair!' And Repunzel would let down her hair and the witch would climb up. Now, it just so happened that a prince was walking through the forest one day.

Ranma: [wandering around aimlessly] Are you sure this is the right forest?

Disembodied Voice: Repunzel, Repunzel, let down your hair, that I might climb the golden stair!! Oh, hohohohohoho!

Ranma [makes a face] What the hell?!

Narrator: As the prince neared the tower, he caught a brief glimpse of a girl standing in the single window, high above.

Ranma: [blinks] Are you sure that's a girl? [A mallet bounces off his head] Ow!

Narrator: [Rolls her eyes.] Awed by her beauty, he became determined to find a way into the tower.

Ranma: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Narrator: So, first thing the next day, the prince began circling the tower, searching for a way in, but there was no door. He was just about to give up when he suddenly remembered the mysterious words he'd heard the day before. He decided to give them a try.

Ranma: [sighs] Repunzel, Repunzledownhairmiclimmastair.

Narrator: Ahem.

Ranma: [sighs louder] REPUNZEL, REPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR!!! [Repunzel's hair falls down and Ranma notices two things. The first is that it's peroxide blonde. The second is that there's a brick tied to the end] OW! [Rubs his head.]

Narrator: Um...Ranma..I mean...the prince quickly climbed the rope of...tresses...up to the window where he had first seen the maiden.

Ranma: Yeah, whatever. [Shinnies up the hair and perches on the windowsill. The hair is a wig, duct-taped to the sill] It figures.

Narrator: There, inside the top room, was the girl he had seen. She was truly a vision. Naturally, she was surprised to see a man in her window.

Akane (Repunzel): AAAAH! DIE, YOU PERVERT! [Pushes him off the sill.]

Ranma: Hey, wait a second! [scrambles through the window] You uncute tomboy! *BONK* Ow!! Cut it out!

Akane: What do you want, Ranma? I didn't ask for your help!

Ranma: Just followin' orders!

Akane: Why? Oh. [gets an evil smile] You mean because Arianna has eight pet CATS!?!

Ranma: Eugh! You promised you wouldn't remind me!

Akane: Cat, cat, cat! Pussycat, cat, cat! Kitty, kitty, kittycat!

Ranma: AAA! Stop it, stop it!

Narrator: *siiiigh* The two fell deeply in love and decided to marry.

Akane and Ranma: Whaat?

Narrator: [Ignoring them] But of course, they didn't tell the witch. She found out about Ranma one day when she was lurking about and saw him slipping down the ladder of bleached golden hair.

Kodachi: Oh my! What a man!

Narrator: Ano...uh, since the witch had developed such a crush on Ranma, she lay a trap to catch him.

Ranma: [Approaches the tower]. Akane, Akane, let down your hair. [muttering] Ya uncute tomboy.

[The fake hair falls and hits him on the head again. He climbs up it, only to find himself face to face with...]

Ranma: KODACHI?!

Kodachi: Ranma-sweetums!!

Narrator: In horror, the prince jumped out of the window and ran for miles. When he finally stopped for breath, he found himself butt-lost in the wilderness.

Ranma: [looking around] Oh, crap.

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the tower, Repunzel mourned the loss of her beloved prince.

Akane: [Makes a face] Right.

Narrator: Especially since now the witch hung around all the time, waiting for him to come back.

Akane: WHAT?! [runs to the window] Ranma! Ranma, come and save me!

Narrator: But the prince was lost in the wilderness.

Ranma: [is wandering around again. He walks past a duck and a cat napping quietly. He does a double-take and his eyes widen.] C-c-cat!! [He runs off. The animals raise their heads and look at each other.]

Neko-chan: Meow?

Mu Mu-chan: Quack. [they both go back to sleep].

Narrator: The witch was growing impatient all this time, and decided to liven things up by killing off some of the competition. So she spent most of every day chasing Repunzel up and down the stairs.

Akane: [panting] Ranma, you jerk! Where are you? [she pauses, her eyes darkening with worry.] I hope he's alright...

[Ranma is walking aimlessly around in the wilderness. He sneezes, looks confused, then continues on his way.]

Narrator: then one day, fate led the prince back to the tower. He rushed up to it at once and called,

Ranma: Akane, Akane, get your butt over to the window, fast!

[Akane's head appears in the window. She is out of breath.]

Akane:[in disbelief] Ranma?

Ranma: Yeah, it's me! Hurry, let's get out of here!

Akane: [Stubbornly] Why? I'm getting plenty of exercise here, thank you, and I don't want to go anywhere with YOU.

Ranma: [annoyed] Aw, Akane, don't be stupid! Let down your wig and lemme up there.

Akane: Can't. Kodachi took it.

Ranma: *siigh* Oh, well, then. [he begins climbing the tower without the help of the rope. It takes him a while, but finally he arrives at the top.] C'mon, let's go. Kodachi'll be up here any minute.

Akane: I don't want to go anywhere with a perverted jerk like you! You're a boneheaded creep!

Ranma:[peeved] And you're a macho, uncute, tomboy! And I'm the only guy in the world who'd ever go to all the trouble to climb this stupid tower for you!

Akane: [pauses, confused.] What?

Ranma: You heard me. Now can we get outta here?

Akane: I...I...Ranma, I...

[Evil laugher ripples through the air and there is the sound of footfalls on the steps.]

Ranma: Akane, let's go!

Akane: How?! You're not gonna jump...?

Ranma: Sure.

[Laughter gets louder]

Akane: I'm not jumping out that window! It's like sixty yards to the ground!

[Laughter continues to get louder]

Kodachi: I'm coming, Ranma-darliingg!

Ranma: [Grabs Akane by the shoulders.] you'll just have to trust me for once! Can you do that?

Akane: *Blinks* Y-yes...

Ranma: Great!

[Kodachi appears in the doorway just as Ranma grabs Akane in a bear hug and jumps out the window.]

Kodachi: Oh, drat.

[Ranma and Akane freefall until they both slam into the ground, with Ranma on the bottom.

Akane: Oooh...Oh! Ranma!

Ranma: [doesn't appear to be conscious.]

Akane: [sounding worried.] Ranma? Ranma, wake up! Are you alright?

Ranma: Ohh...eeennn.....no....

Akane: [helps him sit up.] You stupid idiot! What did you do a crazy thing like that for?

Ranma:...unngg....jus'....shut up. I was rescuing you.

Akane: [blushes. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She tries again.] Ranma, I...I don't know what to say. Thank you.

Ranma: [looks surprised.] Huh? Oh! Yeah, sure...[gets to his feet.] Umm....d'ya think we can get outta here now? Kodachi's probably got a magic broomstick or somethin'...

Akane: Oh! Sure! Let's go! [she grabs Ranma's hand and the two run off into the sunset...]

Narrator: Um....and that's it! Everybody lived happily ever after! G'night, folks!!

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