[A head pops out from behind the curtain]

Arianna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another performance of Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! I'm your host, as usual, Arianna Vesle. Due to a slight misunderstanding after our performance of Cinderella, I'm afraid we've been unable to locate Ryoga Hibiki in time for today's feature. If anybody out there happens to bump into him, please escort him here to the auditorium. Thank you.

Anyway! Today's fairy tale is going to be the ever popular story, 'The Princess and the Pea'. In the title role is Miss Akane Tendo. . .

[Sarcastic voice from offstage] In the title role as what? The princess or the pea?

Arianna: [irritated] As the princess! And if you don't knock it off, I'll tell her you said that! As the prince, Ranma Saotome-

Shampoo: Wait! Wait! [she rushes onstage] This not fair! Akane ALWAYS get to star with Ranma!

Arianna: That's not true! Why, don't you remember in Sleeping Beauty-

Ranma: Gahh! [appears from stage right] No! Not again! Don't even TALK about it! Do you know what I've been through because of that?!

Arianna: Oh, you mean how Kuno spent an hour chasing you and accusing you of seducing Akane and the pig-tailed-

Ranma: Yeah!

Arianna: I won't even mention it. As the queen, Nabiki Tendo and as the king, Tatewaki Kuno.

Ranma: [groans]

Arianna: Stop complaining. It could be much worse. As the extra princesses, Ukyo Kounji and Shampoo and Kodachi. Not a word, any of you. And we'll get started just as soon as I can get back to my chair! One moment! [vanishes behind the curtain]

[the curtain goes up]

[scene: the throne room of a castle]

Narrator (Arianna): Once upon a time, there was a prince who lived with his father, the king, and his mother, the queen. No duh. Now, his parents were rich-

Queen (Nabiki): EXTREMELY rich. ^_^

Narrator: Er, right. Extremely rich. Anyway, his parents were rich-

Queen: Extremely.

Narrator: Extremely!! Who's telling this story, you or me?! His parents were EXTREMELY rich and lived in a huge castle. Well, er, the prince did too, of course.

Ranma: Duh! [slaps his forehead]

Narrator: Anyway, when the prince was old enough to marry, his parents put their heads together to figure out what kind of princess he should wed.

Queen: I think she needs to be wealthy. A good princess is a wealthy princess, y'know.

King (Kuno): Hah! Wealth must little be heeded! For, tis beauty that proves most endearing! True, unfading glory, she is, she of the shining hair, the ruby lips, the sparkling eyes!

Queen: [smirking] To you, maybe. But have you noticed your sparkling eyes winning you any points?

King: You are aware that I detest you, Nabiki Tendo.

Queen: [still smirking] Naturally.

Narrator: It was discussions like this that eventually led to an endless procession of princesses. Naturally, Prince Ranma grew very tired of this eventually.

Prince (Ranma): [is slouching in his throne.] This sucks. [The door opens and Ukyo enters, wearing a small gold crown on her head.]

Princess 1[Ukyo]: Ranchan! [she glomps him]

[the door opens again and Shampoo enters, also wearing a crown.]

Princess 2(Shampoo): Airen! [she glomps onto him as well. He makes a strangled noise.]

[The door opens again and Kodachi enters. She, too, is wearing a small gold crown.]

Princess 3(Kodachi): Ranma-sweetums! [She glomps onto him too. Then all three girls finally notice each other.]

Princess 1: Hey! I was here first! He's mine!

Princess 2: Ranma belong to me! Shampoo true fiancee of Ranma!

Princess 3: I grow tired of this foolish game, little girls. Release my Ranma-sama at once!

[They begin to bicker. Ranma slips out of their arms and sneaks towards the door. All three girls notice him just as he reaches the door]

Princess 2: There he go!

Princess 1: Catch him!

Prince: [gulp] Oh uh.

Narrator: The prince grew very tired of this, day in and day out, and decided to ask his favorite counselor for some advice. Err. . .the counselor was supposed to be Ryoga, but since he's missing, Kasumi Tendo has kindly offered to fill his place.

[Scene: a large kitchen. Kasumi stands at the stove, chopping vegetables. The Prince enters, looking very haggard and rather manhandled.]

Advisor(Kasumi): Oh my. ^_^ You look like you've been attacked by a gang of rabid fangirls.

Prince: Something like that. I don't know what to do about my parents. They keep bringing in all these princesses and. . .

Advisor: You can't find the right girl for you?

Prince: Exactly! Either they're complete bubblebrains or they're really evil sorceresses or they start giving me googoo eyes and try to marry me on the spot!

Advisor: Oh my. ^_^ Sounds like you've got your work cut out for you.

Prince: Yeah. . .I just don't think it's fair to try and pick a wife for me! ESPECIALLY from those girls!

[The door flies open]

Princess 1: There he is!

Princess 3: I'm coming, Ranma-sweetums!

Prince: EEP!

Narrator: This went on every day of the prince's life. He wished his parents would just leave him alone and let him find a wife in his own sweet time.

Prince: And screening the so-called 'princesses' might not be such a bad idea, either. . .

Narrator: Now how much fun would that be? ^_^ But, anyway, the prince became very discouraged.

Prince: Why can't they just let me find my own bride? I want to marry a REAL princess! [Aside, to the audience] And THAT was from the script, folks.

Narrator: Then, one night, while the prince was up late playing solitaire-

Prince: I don't play solitaire.

Narrator: Drat! One night, while the prince was up late doing katas, there came a knock at the palace doors.

[Knock! Knock! Knock!]

Prince: [muttering] Who could that be? It's nearly midnight. It better not be one of those crazy princesses.

Narrator: Since the king and queen were too cheap to have a guard at the front door, the prince went to answer it himself.

Prince: Yeah, yeah. . . [The Prince goes to the huge door and pulls it open a couple of feet. Who's there?

Voice from Outside: AAAchoo!!! Excuse be. . .[sniffling sounds] I don't suppose you could let me spend the night in your castle? My horse threw a shoe back there.

Prince: [Squinting into the darkness] Spend the night here? Why should I care? We've only got fifteen spare rooms. Come on in.

[Muddy figure enters, covered with mud from head to toe.] Muddy Figure: Thanks.

Prince: Whoa, what happened to you?

Muddy Figure: [stiffly] I tripped a few times. It's very slippery outside.

Prince: [snickering] Clutz.

Muddy Figure: You JERK!! [Hits him, leaving a muddy splat on his cheek] For your information, I happen to be a princess!

Prince: A princess? [looks her over] [Doubtfully] You don't LOOK like a princess.

Princess: Yeah, well, I am. Now, I don't suppose I could take a bath or something, could I?

Prince: Why should I care? We've got eleven bathtubs. Take your pick.

Princess: Great. Bye. [Princess wanders off to find a bathroom. Prince stares after her]

Prince: Princess, huh. [Pauses] Naaahhhh.

Narrator: So the prince went back to his katas and forgot about the mysterious visitor. That is, until he absent-mindedly opened the bathroom door to get his toothbrush.

Princess: AAAAAA!!!

Prince: AAAAAA!!!

[The prince gets hit in the head by a flying bar of soap and slams the door shut.]

Princess: PERVERT!!

Prince: Hey, don't blame me! How was I supposed to know you'd pick THIS bathroom? I thought you'd pick the girl bathroom!

Princess:. . .[Through the door] Girl bathroom?

Prince: Yeah! It's all in pink and it's stocked up with bath salts and junk like that. . .

Princess:. . .Oh.

Prince: [rubs his head where the soap hit him.] Yeah. Now, can I please have my toothbrush?

Princess: Toothbrush?

Prince: Yeah. It's by the sink.

[There is silence for a moment, then the door opens a few inches, and the princess slides her arm out.]

Princess: Here.

Prince: Thanks. [Takes the toothbrush and walks into the bathroom next door to the one the princess is in to brush his teeth.]

Princess: [through the wall] Um. . .sir?

Prince: Hm?

Princess: Well, um. . .I don't really have anything to wear. See, my dress is filthy and torn. ..

Prince: Oh. Ok. I'll find something for you. . .[wanders off]

[Scene: The palace kitchen. The Advisor is there, slicing a loaf of bread with an enormous knife. Enter the Prince]

Prince: Hey, Kasumi?

Advisor: Yes, your majesty? ^_^

Prince: You wouldn't happen to have any extra dresses, wouldja?

Advisor: Dresses? Why do you want dresses?

Prince: I, er. . .um. . .no reason.

Advisor: I see. Well, that's your business, I suppose. Come with me.

[Scene: The Advisor's bedroom. She pulls open a closet]

Advisor: Let's see. . .Hmm, THIS one might fit you!

Prince: Hey, cut that out! It's not for me, it's for. . .somebody else.

Advisor: Oh, I see. Well, how about this one? It's a little old-fashioned, but. . .

Prince: That's fine! Thanks, Kasumi!

[Scene: The bathroom door again]

Prince: Hey, you still in there?

Princess: Of course! Where could I go without a dress?

Prince: Here, take this one.

[The door opens and the Princess reaches an arm out. The Prince hands her the dress and she closes the door again. A few moments pass.]

Prince: Does it fit?

Princess: I suppose. Only, I can't reach the last few buttons. . .

Prince: Well, I can do it for ya.

Princess Well. . .[The door opens and the Prince gets his first real look at the princess.]

Prince: Oh, I uh. . .

Princess: What? [Looks down at herself] Does it make me look fat?

Prince: Uh. . .n-no. . .I mean, um. . .D-do you still want me to button it up for you?

Princess: I guess so. But don't get any ideas.

[The Princess turns and the Prince finishes buttoning her dress.]

Prince: [aside] Wow. Who knew you were actually so cute?

Princess: [Turning around] What did you say?

Prince: Oh, ah. . .nothin'. Hey, by the way, I don't mind if you wanna stay here an' all that, but you'd better not let my mom see you.

Princess: Your mom? Why?

Prince: Well, she don't really like havin' guests for some reason. She'd probably charge you.

Princess: Oh. Ok. Don't worry; I'll be careful.

Prince: Oh, yeah, an'. . . don't go telling anybody you're a princess, ok?

Princess: [suspiciously] Why not?

Prince: I, uh. . .well, it just ain't prudent, that's all. Umm. . .I gotta go. See ya. [The Prince exits]

Princess: Hey, wait! How am I supposed to figure out where to sleep! Hey, come back! [The Princess runs off after the Prince]

Narrator: (You remember me, right? ^_^) Meanwhile, the king and queen were once more discussing their son and his future. The queen had raided the counting-house and was counting out her money, the king had just been in the parlor eating bread and honey. He was washing it down with a glass of wine.

[Scene: the Throne Room]

Queen: Five thousand six hundred and seventy-eight, five thousand six hundred and seventy-nine-

King [Sloshing the wine around in his cup] What about the Princess of Puritanical? A fair lass, was she. I'd wager our son finds her pleasing to the eye and suiting to the soul.

Queen: Too stuffy. They'd drive each other crazy. Five thousand six hundred and eighty-two, five thousand six hundred and eighty-three-

King: Then what about the Princess of Perturb? An intelligent damsel, with such glorious golden hair. . .

Queen: Too excitable. She would take everything our dear son did or said seriously. She wouldn't last a week! Five thousand six hundred and ninety-four, five thousand six hundred and ninety-five, five thousand six hundred and-

King: By the Crest of St. Exacerbate! Isn't there any princess in this world suited to one such as he?!

Queen: Five thousand seven hundred. Who knows? Princesses are hard to come by, you know.

[The Prince attempts to sneak past the throne room at this point, but the queen catches sight of him.]

Queen: Oh, darling, won't you come here for a moment? [smirking]

Prince: [gulp] Y-yeah, ma?

Queen: [still smirking] Your father and I were just discussing your future bride. What did you think of the lineup this afternoon?

Prince: Aw, ma, those girls are all scary. I can't marry one of them-I just can't! Anyway, I'm going to bed now, g'night.

Queen: Hold on just a minute, junior.

Prince: [Turning around slowly] Yeeeah mom?

Queen: You're acting a little funny tonight.

Prince: F-funny?

Queen: Yeah, funny. [Suspiciously] You're not hiding something from me, are you?

Prince: H-hiding?? [Hysterical, nervous laughter] Don't be ridiculous! What could I possibly be hiding?? Heh heh heh. . .[turns to go.]

[At that moment, the Princess rushes into the room, knocking the Prince over in the process. They end up nose to nose on the floor, blinking at each other.]

Princess: [gulp] Heh heh. . .oops.

[Scene: A large bedroom. The Prince is hauling mattresses into the room with a dour look on his face. The Princess stands to one side, watching him.]

Princess: Look, I said I was sorry.

Prince: [Glaring at her] Sure, you're sorry. Well, I hope you enjoy sleeping on top of twenty mattresses. Nice *heavy* mattresses. [He tosses the one he's holding to the top of the stack.]

Princess: Well, it could be a lot worse. I mean, I think it's kind of nice of your mom to give me such. . .um. . .adequate accommodations.

Prince: [blinks] Adequate accommodations? [Turns to face the Princess] ADEQUATE ACCOMMODATIONS?! Are you NUTS?! This is all just some sort of scheme! My mom doesn't go out of her way to be nice. Heck, she isn't even nice when it's convenient! [Aside, to the audience] Actually, my REAL mom is kind of a mystery to me. Nabiki is all too clear. [Goes back into character.] Anyway, I'm sure she's up to something.

Princess: Well, that's between the two of you. As for me, I'm exhausted and I want to get a good night's sleep.

Prince: [muttering] YOU try hauling twenty mattresses up fifteen flights of stairs. [Heads for the door] Good night! [he exits.]

Princess: [sighing] Oh, well. [climbs up the mattresses.]

Narrator: The Princess attempted to go to sleep, not easy when one is two stories up with no railing. Meanwhile, the Prince was piddling around downstairs, putting off going to bed, when he happened to pass by the Queen's chambers and heard something interesting.

Queen: -So I put the pea under all those mattresses. I figure, if she's rich enough to feel it, she's rich enough to marry the Prince!

King: Exactly how do you suppose this?

Queen: [Waves her hand] I just thought it would be funny. If she doesn't know about the pea by morning, she'd best be moving on.

Prince: [Tiptoes back to his own room] Rats! Now what am I gonna do? [pauses, then sighs, shoulders slumping] I guess I oughta tell her. *siiiigh* [He trudges off]

Narrator: Meanwhile, the Princess was still trying unsuccessfully to sleep.

Prince: [Tossing and turning in the skyscraper bed. Suddenly, she sits up] What was that? I thought I heard something. . .

[A head suddenly appears over the edge of the bed.]

Princess: AAAAA! *Bonk*!

Prince: AAA! Hey! He-help! I'm falling!

Princess: [Catches the Princes by the collar and proceeds to shake him silly] What do you think you're doing!? Sneaking up into my bed in the middle of the night?!

Prince: [Being shaken] I-I w-a-as t-ry-ing t-to w-w-warn y-yo-u. . .

Princess: [stops shaking the Prince] Trying to warn me about what?

Prince: [shakes his head to clear it] About my mom. She put a pea under your bed.

Princess: [incredulously] A pea?

Prince: Yeah. She says if you're rich enough to feel it, you're rich enough to. . .well, you're just rich enough, that's all.

Princess: But that doesn't make any sense!

Prince: It does if you're her.

Princess: Maybe. . .but why are you telling me this?

Prince: Well, she'll probably send you off if you don't feel it.

Princess: So?

Prince: So, I don't want you to go away, stupid! [His eyes suddenly get huge and he slaps a hand over his mouth]

Princess: [Eyes get sparkly] Really? You mean it?

Prince: Emmmrayerguphm. . .[He nods]

Princess: Oh, I get it. . .This is the way the story's supposed to go, right?

Prince: Don't be stupid, Akane! You know I like you best anyway! I mean, er. . .crap. [He covers his mouth again]

Princess: You mean it?! Oh, Ranma! [She glomps him]

Ranma: [Looks foolish for a moment, then shrugs and hugs Akane back, a rather silly smile crossing his face.]

Narrator: *sighing* How sweet. It would be nice if they could remain in character, but sweet nonetheless.

Akane: Um. . .[pulls away] S-sorry. . .

Ranma: [shrugs awkwardly] S'alright. I'd better go. [shoots her a smile] Bye!

Akane: Bye. . . [Watches as the Prince steps off the bed, and plummets to the floor.] Hm. Well, that was dumb.

Narrator: The next day, the Queen invited the Princess to the throne room. The Prince of course was there too.

Queen: Well, my dear Princess, how did you sleep last night?

Princess: Fine, your majesty. Except, it felt like I was sleeping on a pea all night.

Queen: [casting a suspicious glance at the King, then at the Prince] Very good, you've passed the test. Feel free to marry the Prince now!

Prince and Princess: WAIT!

[The door on the far side of the throne room suddenly flies open and Soun and Genma enter]

Soun: Wonderful! We can have the wedding right here!

Genma: Ranma, my boy, you've made a wise choice!!

Ranma: B-b-but, I-

Narrator: Err. . .Suddenly, an invisible brick wall appears between the teens and their fathers, allowing them to escape!!

Everyone: HUH?

Narrator: Um. . .[To Ranma and Akane] RUN!

[Ranma and Akane make a break for it. For various and sundry reasons, the rest of the cast chases after them.

Narrator: And so ends another lovely tale! Be sure to come again soon! BAI-BAI!!

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