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The Wizard of Oz
[The curtain rises up, revealing a small Kansas farm during the Depression. Sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch is Mike. He is sleeping. A moment passes, then a stick comes out from off stage and nudges him. Mike doesn't wake, so the stick smacks him in the head, just like that last play!]
Mike: WAGH! I'm under attack! Duck and cover..! Huh? Ooooh no. [Stands.] Uh, I'm not supposed to be here, folks, honestly, I was in my apartment just writing an unrelated story when someone clorophormed me from behind! Clearly someone, I won't mention any names- ARI-CHAN! ARI-CHAN DID IT!- has forced me into this line of work in order to prolonge his or HER own free time. I'm outta here.
[Tries to walk off stage, hits an electrified fence.]
Mike: AAAAAAGH! [*Sizzle*] Ow. I think I'm burning internally. Fine, I'll do it, I'll narrate the story for the Anything Goes Theatre! Ooooo!
[Curtain closes. A moment later Mike screams again.]
Mike: STUPID FENCE!
[A second later the curtain rises again, and Soun, dressed as a farmer, is out in the field tending his weary, dry crops. Genma, and Ranma are nearby, wiring up a fence.]
Narrator: Stupid electricity. I'm breathing smoke for crying out loud. *AHEM!* Once upon a time during the Depression, there lived a pretty, good-hearted young girl named Dorothy who lived with her Auntie Em and Uncle Henry on a farm in Kansas.
[Akane Tendo walks on stage wearing a blue dress and a white apron.]
Narrator: Dorothy was a good girl, but living way out on the farm she didn't have too many friends. She did know her uncle's two farmhands, though, there was Zeke- [Zeke waves to the crowd] and Hunk Andrews, who Dorothy thought was kind of a hunk.
Hunk: What?
Dorothy: Who said that? I didn't say that!
Narrator: Funny, it's underlined in the script Ari-chan gave me. Anyway, Dorothy had a safe but boring lifestyle, she always dreamed of leaving the farm to go on adventures, but her Auntie Em was very protective of Dorothy and didn't like the way her imagination tempted her to do sometimes risky things.
[Auntie Em steps out of the farm with a ball and chain that she clicks around Dorothy's ankle.]
Antie Em: There you are. Would you like some lemonade?
Dorothy: You never let me leave the farm, Auntie! I want to explore the woods!
Auntie Em: Oh my, those woods aren't for young girls, Dorothy. You should learn to be more motherly, so you can take care your husband.
Toto: [Off-stage] Squee! Squee!
Dorothy: Toto! [Toto runs up on stage and into Dorothy's arms.] Oh Toto what happened? Why are you so scared?
[Shampoo as Miss Almira Gulch comes on-stage, wearing a black dress and hat, riding her bike.]
Almira: Aiya! Give stupid black pig back to Almira! Pig get into ramen!
Dorothy: No! I won't let you eat my poor Toto! You're a mean old lady!
Almira: You give pig back now, or Almira bring policeman back and take stupid pig away from you!
Dorothy: I don't care! You can't have Toto!
Almira: Then Almira come back with policeman then! [Turns and leaps at Hunk.] Oh Ranma Shampoo so happy! Shampoo finally have important starring role and be close to her Ranma!
Narrator: HEY! GET BACK IN CHARACTER!
Almira: Oh, Shampoo forget. [Clomps Ranma] Bye bye Ranma see you later! [Jumps on her bike and rides off in a cloud of dust.]
Dorothy: That mean old Miss Gulch. Poor Toto, you never did any harm did you? [Toto shakes his head.] There there, I won't let anyone take you away from me.
Auntie Em: You spend too much time with that pet pig of yours, Dorothy. You need to get to know people better, like that nice Mr. Hunk Andrews.
[Dorothy looks at Hunk, who stares back.]
Dorothy: I'd rather stick with Toto.
Hunk: Like I'd want to hang around with a girl who socializes with pigs. *POW*
Dorothy: Butt out, farmboy!
Uncle Henry: [Laughing] Now, now you two, you shouldn't fight. [He clasps Hunk's shoulder.] After all, your Auntie Em and I have no children, and we've decided that Dorothy and Hunk should get married, that way Hunk can inherit the Anything Goes School of-
Narrator: Hey! Stay in character!
Uncle Henry: That is, the Anything Goes FARM of Corn and Potatoes! Ha ha ha ha!
Hunk: Hey I'm just a farmhand I didn't come looking to marry nobody!
Zeke: I think Uncle Henry's got a point. A guy like Hunk married to Dorothy, what a match made in Heaven!
Uncle Henry: Absolutely, Zeke!
Dorothy: You can't marry me to him! I'm not even your daughter!
Auntie Em: But you've already told me how much you like Hunk, Dorothy.
Dorothy: I did NOT!
Hunk: 'Sides why would I want to marry a girl like her anyway? She's all prissy, prancing around in that blue dress all the time like she owns the place.
Dorothy: WHO ASKED YOU, YOU HICK!? [Turns and smashes her ball and chain with her fist] I hate it here! Everyone always telling me what to do and thinking they can just run my life! I'm out of here! [She runs off with Toto.]
Auntie Em: Oh my.
Uncle Henry: Dorothy! Come back here!
Zeke: Well, don't you have something to do, Hunk?
Hunk: Ah lemme alone. This was all your guys stupid idea, you go apologize to her.
Uncle Henry: [Henry and Zeke grab Hunk, trying to shove him after Dorothy, but Hunk fights back.] You have to go apologize, Hunk! You're her fiance!
Hunk: I am not! Lemme go! Agh!
[Curtain closes, and then rises to show a small hill covered with white flowers overlooking the farm. Dorothy runs onstage, takes a few steps and then collapses onto the flowers, crying. Toto sits beside her, looking on.]
Dorothy: That jerk. Everyone. I don't want to live at that farm anymore! I wish I was somewhere far far away from here!
Narrator: Dorothy fell asleep in the flowers, and slept for hours until a howling wind suddenly woke her.
[A big wind machine is pushed into place, just barely visible offstage. It turns on and blasts Akane with a heavy gale.]
Dorothy: Huh? [Sits up.] The wind! A twister is coming!
[Toto flies past, squealing, and Dorothy snatches him out of the air, holding him close.]
Dorothy: It's coming this way! We have to find shelter Toto!
[Dorothy runs offstage with Toto. The curtain falls, then raises again, and we're back to the Farmhouse set. Uncle Henry leads Auntie Em and Zeke into the cellar, while Hunk stands nearby, looking around for Dorothy.]
Uncle Henry: Hunk! Come on son! We have to get below before the storm comes!
Hunk: But Dorothy isn't back yet!
Uncle Henry: That's the spirit son! Don't rest until you find her! [Uncle Henry jumps into the cellar and closes the doors.]
Hunk: Hey! [Hunk runs over to the cellar doors and bangs on them.] Open up! You can't leave me out here! [Kicks open the door and jumps inside. The moment Hunk disappears below Dorothy comes onstage with Toto.]
Dorothy: Uncle Henry? Auntie Em! Anyone! [Runs inside the house.] Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! Zeke? Hunk..? [Runs into Auntie Em's room. The window to the bedroom shatters as a rock flies through it.] Eeeek! [Outside a huge tornado is swirling about, and it is coming right towards the house.] Here it comes Toto! [She kneels down beside the bed, holding Toto tight.]
[The twister engulfs the house, and lifts it up into the air!]
Narrator: Cow. It's and F4! No and F5! You sunk my battleship!
Dorothy: AAAAAAIIIIEEEE!
[In the window, Uncle Henry appears.]
Uncle Henry: Dorothy has to realize we're only doing what we think is best for here.
Dorothy: Uncle Henry?
[Uncle Henry disappears and Auntie Em appears.]
Auntie Em: Dorothy! Oh Dorothy! Where did she go? Oh my, I hope she hasn't run off. I get so worried about her, I don't want her to get hurt.
Dorothy: I'm right here, Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
[Auntie Em disappears and is replaced by Zeke and Hunk.]
Zeke: So what's with the looks you've been giving Dorothy behind her back, boy? You think an old man like me wouldn't notice?
Hunk: Notice what? What are you talking about you're imagining things!
Dorothy: Hunk?
[Hunk vanishes and Shampoo-Almira comes riding by on her bike.]
Almira: Stupid girl! Almira get you and you're little pig too! Hahahahaha-
[Kodachi comes flying at Shampoo-Almira, wearing a tight, curve-hugging witch's dress with a pointed hat and broom stick and kicks Shampoo-Almira off the stage.]
Kodachi: This is my scene! Get off!
Uh, Wicked Witch: Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! [Kodachi-Witch disappears.]
Dorothy: I... oooh... *Faints*
[Curtain closes, then rises to show Munchkin Town, a pixiesque 'little person' place with ramen shops and lingere stores. Tsubasa is standing in the middle of it, dressed as witch.]
Narrator: Suddenly...
[Dorothy's house lands on Tsubasa, crushing him underneathe. Meanwhile inside, Dorothy lies unconscious on Auntie Em's bed. Toto nudges at her hand, and she slowly comes to.]
Dorothy: Huh? Where am I? Oh... Toto? What happened? [Sits up.] The tornado! Auntie Em!? Uncle Henry? Hunk? Where are you?
[Dorothy steps out of the crushed house and looks around, holding Toto in her arms.]
Dorothy: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.
[Cologne and Happosai poke their heads out from hiding places in the town. They step into the open and greet Dorothy.]
Munchkin1(Cologne): Well now, you got rid of that nasty old witch.
Munchkin2(Guess): I was hoping that guy would never leave!
Dorothy: Nasty old witch? What do you mean?
Munchkin1: That one over there. [Points. Dorothy turns and sees Tsubasa's legs poking out of the house with a pair of sparkling red shoes on them.]
Nice piece of work you did there, what did you say your name was?
Dorothy: Oh, Dorothy. And this is Toto.
Munchkin1: Please to meet you. We're the Munchkins and this is Munchkin Town.
Dorothy: Oh? Where did the other one go? [Her skirt flips up into the air.]
Munchkin2: How's the view, girly-girl? Wooh-hoo! *POW!* [Munchkin1 bops him with her walking stick.]
Munchkin1: Sorry about that he's a bit eccentric.
Dorothy: Maybe you should keep him on a leash.
Munchkin1: We tried that he just gnawed through it.
Dorothy: This place is so strange. Do you know how I can get to Kansas from here? I'm trying to find the way home.
Munchkin1: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Isn't that your home right there?
Dorothy: I mean my home, in Kansas, with my aunt and uncle. I rode in my house here in a twister, and I can't go back the way I came.
Munchkin1: Then why don't you try asking here? [Points to a big pink bubble floating towards Munchkin Town.] That would be Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. She should be able to help you out.
[Dorothy turns and sees the floating bubble. It comes down and sets itself in front of Akane.]
Glinda: [Inside] Oh dear, how do I get out of this bubble? *POW!* [The bubble pops on the point of Nodoka's sword, which she immediately puts away.] There we go. Well hello Dorothy dear, how are you?
Dorothy: I'm all right I guess, but how did you know my name?
Glinda: Well my name's Glinda, and I'm the Good Witch of the North, so of course I'm entitled to a little bit of omniscience.
Dorothy: Well can you help me, Ms. Glinda? I'm trying to get home, I came here in a twister.
Glinda: Well, let's take a look shall we? [Examines Dorothy's house.] My, isn't that the Wicked Witch of the East? [Points at Tsubasa's feet.]
Munchkin1: That's him all right. He took a quite a blow to the head.
Glinda: A house fell on her! Is she all right?
Munchkin1: Of course this is just a play after all.
Glinda: Oh, well in that case. [The shoes disappear, the feet roll up and disappear under the house.]
Dorothy: Oh? [Looks down. Tsubasa's shoes appear on her feet. They're too big.] Um... these shoes don't fit.
Narrator: Right. PROPS!
[A pair of Kuroko run up. One hooks his arms under Akane's and lifts her up, the other starts fitting her with various red sparkling shoes. High heels, high tops, hip-waders, at last the settle on a pair of Japanese women's sandals.]
Kuroko: There! Clear! [They run off stage.]
Dorothy: Uh... why sandals?
Narrator: Hey, at least they aren't the hipwaders.
Dorothy: Fair enough.
Glinda: Oh dear, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East, and now you have her... sandals.
Dorothy: Is that bad?
Glinda: The Wicked Witch of the East was a very nasty witch, but her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West, is even worse!
*POOF!* [Kodachi appears in her slinky witch outfit, carrying a broom.]
Kodachi-Witch: Ooh ho ho ho ho ho! You wicked, wicked girl! What have you done to my sister?! [Looks at Dorothy's sandals.] Those shoes! Those were my sisters! You give them back to me! They're mine now!
Glinda: Oh but you can't have them, the shoes have chosen Dorothy as they're wearer. If you wanted them, you should have dropped your own house on your sister, or at least showed up sooner.
Kodachi-Witch: What utter nonsense! Not just any girl can wear those ruby slippers! They were meant for a fair maiden such as myself!
Dorothy: Hey, you're the -Witch- right now, remember?
Kodachi-Witch: Oh! You wicked girl! How dare you! I'll get those shoes from you, and my darling Ranma will be free to claim me at last! OOH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!! *POOF!* [Kodachi's gone in a puff of smoke.]
Dorothy: I'm really getting annoyed with that stupid laugh. Oh, I'm don't want to be here any more! I want to go home!
Glinda: Now don't cry dear. I know things seem bad now, but things can get better. All you have to do is go to the Emerald City.
Dorothy: Emerald City?
Glinda: That's right. There you'll find the Great Wizard of Oz, he knows all kinds of things, I'm sure he'd be able to help you find your way home.
Dorothy: Could he really? Well how do I find the Emerald City?
Munchkin1: Well that should be easy enough, just follow that yellowish colored road over there. [Points to a sort-of yellow packing peanut road]
Dorothy: Isn't the Yellow Brick Road supposed to be made from brick?
Narrator: Are you kidding? On the budget this production crew gets? I can barely afford enough coffee to stay awake through this murder of classical literature. *POW* [A wooden hammer flies out and slams into the Narrator's head]
Arianna: [Off stage] Keep it up, buster! I dare you!
Narrator: [To himself] There should be laws against this. [Louder] And so Dorothy started on her long journey to find the Emerald City, to find the Wizard of Oz and find a way to return home.
Dorothy: Okay here I go... [She takes a few uncertain steps across the road of packing peanuts, then starts on her way.]
Glinda: Have a safe journey, Aka- I mean, Dorothy!
Munchkin1: Wasn't there supposed to be a singing bit right here?
Narrator: Arianna said something about not letting you sing on the account that your voice's like sandpaper rubbing against itself. *POW!*
Arianna: [Off stage] I did NOT!
Narrator: You're still here!? Why are you hanging around? It's not like I can leave!!
Arianna: Duh! I'm the production manager! You think I'd let you just do whatever you want and ruin another good script?!
Narrator: ME ruin them? YOU'RE the one who strapped Kodachi to a heavy metal guitar and covered a house with photos of Ranma!
Arianna: THAT WAS YOU, YOU JERK!
Narrator: Nuts she remembered.
Dorothy: Gee, do Ranma and I sound like that when we argue? Hmm...
Arianna: I can't believe you'd try to pin those on me! You insensitive, egomaniacal coward!
Narrator: Ooh I'm gonna cry. You clorophormed me and dragged me into this, how am I supposed to be in a good mood when you kidnap me, huh?! *POW!* Ow! Rrgh!
[Curtain closes. When it rises again, we see a fork in the road of packing peanuts, with a Scarecrow hanging from a stick at the fork. Dorothy and Toto walk on stage and stop at the fork.]
Dorothy: A fork in the road? Now which way do I go?
Scarecrow: You could go that way. [Looks up at Dorothy.]
Dorothy: Hunk? Hund Andrews?
Scarecrow: Sorry, wrong guy. Though if you mistook him for me, he's probably as good looking as I am. *Grins*
Dorothy: Yeah right, you wish. Like a guy stuffed with straw could be considered handsome.
Scarecrow: Not like I gotta choice, you know.
Dorothy: So what direction should I take, Mr. Smarty Pants?
Scarecrow: You could go that way. *Points* You could go that way, too. *Points in the other direction* Although the first way is pretty good. *Points again*
Dorothy: Well I can't go both. Which way should I take?
Scarecrow: Does it matter? Each way leads somewhere. And somewhere is always someone's destination. Should it be yours, too?
Dorothy: Are you feeling okay? I don't want to gome 'somewhere', I want to go to the Emerald City. I need to see the Wizard of Oz and find a way home.
Scarecrow: Emerald City? Wizard of Oz? Really? Hey... do you think I could come with you?
Dorothy: *Suspicious* What? Why?
Scarecrow: [Leaps down to the ground beside Dorothy] I gotta ask him a question.
Dorothy: About what?
Scarecrow: Just... a question.
Narrator: Hey! You're supposed to say you want a brain!
Scarecrow: You gotta be kidding me. I got more brains than I know what to do with.
Dorothy: Maybe he needs one more than we thought.
[Toto growls at the Scarecrow, then tries to leap out of Dorothy's arms and attack the Scarecrow but Dorothy holds him back.]
Dorothy: Toto! Calm down! What's wrong?
Scarecrow: *Pokes Toto's snout* What's the matter wittle piggy? You afraid of the big bad Scarecrow? [Toto bites his finger.] Rrgh... little pipsqueak! [Scarecrow smacks Toto over the head. Dorothy kicks the scarecrow in the face.]
Dorothy: STOP BEING MEAN TO HIM! Do you want to go to the Emerald City or NOT!?!
Scarecrow: *Recovers* Huh, whatever. Come on, the Emerald City is this way. [Starts walking down the left path.]
Dorothy: Are you sure this is the right way?
[The Scarecrow stops.]
Scarecrow: Huh, maybe it was the other way. [Starts down the right path, Dorothy following uncertainly. The Scarecrow pauses again.] Although, the left way looked good, too.
Dorothy: Oh just come on! We're going down the right path! [Grabs Scarecrow's pigtail and drags him along with her.] Honestly! You really DON'T have a brain in there do you?
[Later. Dorothy and the Scarecrow are walking together and enter into a deep forest.]
Dorothy: I wonder... if we took the right path? We've been walking an awfully long time.
Scarecrow: You're not afraid of the dark, are you?
Dorothy: Of course not!
Scarecrow: Huh. I ain't afraid of anything. I'm a scarecrow. Well, I guess I would be afraid of fire, being made of straw and junk.
Dorothy: [She suddenly stops and puts a hand to her ear.] Shh! Listen!
Voice: Squeak!
Dorothy: What is that?
Scarecrow: I don't hear nothin'.
Dorothy: Come on, it's this way! [She starts running]
Scarecrow: Hey wait up! [They run along the path until they come across a small house on the side of the road, and standing just outisde the door is the Tinman, holding an ax in the air.]
Dorothy: Who is that? Uncle Henry?
Scarecrow: Looks like an aluminum man. [A director's megaphone slams into Scarecrow's head]
Narrator: That's TINman you moron!
Scarecrow: Alright, a TINman! Happy?
Dorothy: Do you think... he's alive? [Dorothy comes in close and taps on the Tinman's body.
Tinman: ...Oilcan...
Dorothy: What? Oilcan?
Scarecrow: Hey, he talked. What did he say? [Leans close to the Tinman.]
Tinman: ...marryDorothy...
Scarecrow: Will you knock it off?
[Dorothy steps into the house quickly and comes back out carrying an oilcan.]
Dorothy: Here! I've got your oilcan! [She starts squirting oil into the joints of the Tinman]
Tinman: ...That... better... yes... I... [Does a short dance.] Ah! I can move again! Ha ha ha ha!
Dorothy: How do you feel?
Tinman: Much better, thank you very much, young lady. It started to rain and I couldn't get to my cabin in time. I started to rust!
Dorothy: Are yo all right now?
Tinman: Of course, I feel fine thanks to you!
Scarecrow: So what's a guy wrapped in tin foil doing way out in the middle of nowhere?
Tinman: I'm a woodsman of course, I chop wood!
Scarecrow: For who?
Tinman: I chop it for... huh... you know I never thought of that before.
Scarecrow: *Groan* Figures.
Dorothy: We're glad to help, but we can't stay, we're off to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz.
Tinman: Oz? The Emerald City? Well why didn't you say so? I was planning on heading there myself at some point. I'm looking to get myself a heart.
Dorothy: A heart? You mean you don't have one?
Tinman: Nope, the blacksmith ran out of tin. *Grin* But if you're going to see the Wizard of Oz, how's about taking me with you? It would be nice to have someone with me in case is starts to rain again.
Dorothy: All right, let's go!
Narrator: And cue the music scene!
Tinman: Music scene?
Dorothy: This isn't a musical!
Scarecrow: What? Are you nuts? You honestly want Dorothy to sing!? *POW!*
Dorothy: Shut up Ranma!
Narrator: Ugh, fine.
[Curtain closes and rises to show another darker area of the forest. Dorthy, Toto, Scarecrow and Tinman come on from the left, and in the background we see a shadowy figure moving around in the background.]
Voice: GROWL!
Dorothy: W-what is that? Is that a lion?
Tinman: Or a tiger...
Scarecrow: Or a badger. [Dorothy elbows him.]
Dorothy: That's bear, moron!
All: Lions and tigers and bears!
Scarecrow: Oh brother.
[Suddenly a huge lion leaps out in front of the three.]
Dorothy: Zeke?
Lion: Growl! Growl!
Scarecrow: Yeah right, you ain't much of a lion, you know that, pops?
Lion: [Leans forward] Meow! Mrowr!
Scarecrow: WAAAAGH! [Ducks behind Dorothy]
Dorothy: Oh honestly.
Lion: GROWL! GRRRR!
Tinman: It's a huge ferocious lion! What ever will we do?
[Toto leaps down and barks at the lion.]
Dorothy: Toto, don't! He'll eat you!
Lion: GROWL!
Toto: SQUEE! REEE!
Lion: Wagh! [Runs and hides behind a tree] Don't let him eat me!
Dorothy: Huh? He's afraid? [Picks up Toto]
Scarecrow: Let's get outta here! [Tries to run but Dorothy grabs onto his belt and he falls to the floor.]
Dorothy: Honestly! I thought you said you weren't afraid of anything? [Walks over to the Lion.] What's the matter? Why are you so afraid? We won't hurt you.
Lion: *Crying* Oh I admit it! I'm a big coward! Please don't hurt me!
Tinman: Could it be that the big ferocious lion is nothing but a big wimp?
Scarecrow: Huh. That was one good bit of casting they did this time.
Dorothy: There there, don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you. We're just passing through here on our way to the Emerald City.
Lion: [Ringing his tail] You won't hurt me?
Dorothy: Of course not. My name's Dorothy. This is Tinman, and Scarecrow. And this is my pig Toto.
Lion: That's a mean pig! Keep him away!
Dorothy: Toto won't hurt you, he thought you were going to hurt us.
Lion: Well... if that's so... [Stands] Would it be all right if I went with to guys?
Dorothy: Went with us? By why?
Lion: I'm a lion but I don't have any courage. I want to go to the Wizard of Oz and ask him to give me some. Lion's are supposed to have a lot of courage, you know.
Dorothy: Well, if you want to see the Wizard, then you can come with us if you'd like.
Lion: Really? For real? Oh thank you!
[Next scene, the Witch's Castle. Kodachi stands in her castle tower, looking into her huge crystal ball and watching the four heros move out of the forest and into a huge field of poppies.]
Witch: Oh that wicked, wicked, wicked girl! She has my ruby sandals! I have to get them back... hmm... Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I've just been hit with the most wonderful idea! [Pulls out a packet of her sleeping powder] This will show that girl who's boss!
[Meanwhile, the four intrepid heroes emerge from the forest into the poppy field, where, in the distance, is the towering Emerald City, a shining jewel of towers and walls.]
Dorothy: Oh look!
Scarecrow: The City!
Tinman: We're almost there!
Lion: Let's go!
[The four start running through the poppies, laughing, but as they step on some of the flowers, the pedals let up a cloud of white dust into the air. The lion goes first, then Dorothy and Toto. The Scarecrow and Tinman run for a while before they realize their a few short of their party.]
Scarecrow: Woah, hold up. Wasn't there a girl and a poor excuse for a lion in our party a second ago?
Tinman: Come to think of it it has gotten a little quieter hasn't it? [They look back.] Huh? They've fallen asleep! [They run back to Dorothy and the Lion.]
Scarecrow: What could've knocked them out like this? [Picks up Dorothy.] What's this stuff? White powder?
Tinman: It must be some kind of poison! It put them to sleep!
Scarecrow: So why aren't we asleep?
Narrator: 'Cause you're not technically alive! You don't need to breathe!
Tinman: He has a point. But what do we do now?
Scarecrow: Easy, we just carry them out of the field. If there's no more poppies, there's no more powder, right?
Tinman: That's easier said than done! [Struggles to lift up the Lion.] I think Sao- the Lion needs to loose a few pounds! Rrgh! We might need some help.
Scarecrow: Huh, no problem. [The Scarecrow grabs the Lion. *Catapult!* The Scarecrow launches the Lion into the air towards the Emerald City.]
Tinman: Ah, that's perfect!
Scarecrow: Let's go. [He runs with Dorothy in his arms, followed by the Tinman who's carrying Toto. After a while of running they come to the end of the field and the Scarecrow lies Dorothy down on the grass next to the Lion, who landed there earlier and now lies in a heap on the ground.] Is she okay?
Dorothy: Mmm... hmm... [Opens eyes] Hunk..?
Scarecrow: Sorry, just me. *Grins*
Dorothy: What happened?
Tinman: The poppies were laced with sleeping potion. [In Tinman's arms Toto comes to and leaps to Dorothy's arms.]
Dorothy: Sleeping potion? Who would do that? Oh no... it must be that Wicked Witch!
Scarecrow: But we're out of the field now, it's a clear path all the way to the Emerald City.
Dorothy: Really? [Turns and sees the city much closer now.] You're right! [Stands] What are we waiting for? Lets' go!
Scarecrow: Yeah. [They start running, the Tinman dragging the still-unconscious Lion by his tail]
[Next scene, the front gates of the Emerald City. The four heroes reach the doors.]
Tinman: Now what?
Dorothy: We'd better knock, I suppose. [She knocks].
[A small window opens on the door and Mousse the Gatekeeper sticks his head foward.]
Gatekeeper: Yeah? What is it?
Dorothy: We're here to see the Wizard of Oz.
Gatekeeper: No one sees the Wizard! Go away! [He slams the window closed.]
Dorothy: How rude! [Knocks again and the Gatekeeper emerges again.]
Gatekeeper: Now what?
Dorothy: We have to see the Wizard! It's important!
Gatekeeper: I just told you, no one sees the Wizard! No way no how! Not now! Not ever!
Dorothy: But I have to see the Wizard, Glinda sent me to see him!
Gatekeeper: I don't care who sent you! No one sees the Wizard!
Scarecrow: Okay, stand back, this is ridiculous. *WHAM!* [Scarecrow kicks open the door and flattens the Gatekeeper against a wall.] There. Let's go see the Wizard.
Dorothy: Okay... [The four enter the city. They walk into the center of the vast city where a huge tower stands.] Could... this be it?
Scarecrow: One way to find out... [The four enter the tower and come into a huge room where a big firepit stands.]
Tinman: I don't see anyone...
Lion: No one's here, let's come back tomorrow! [Tries to leave and the Scarecrow trips him]
Scarecrow: We ain't goin' any where. Yo Wizard! Where are you at?!
[The firepit erupts and a huge spectral head of KUNO! appears!]
Oz: SILENCE! I AM TATEWAK- Er... OZ! THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE!
Lion: I'm outta here! [Tries to run, the Tinman stops him]
Dorothy: Are you the Wizard of Oz?
Oz: AH! MY DEAR AKANE TENDO! [Looms forward] I BURN FOR YOU! *SLAP!*
Dorothy: We're not here for that, idiot! I'm here to find a way home!
Oz: BUT WHY TRAVEL TO THAT DISTANT LAND WHEN WE CAN BE HERE TOGETHER AS MAN AND WIFE?! *POW!* [Scarecrow kicks the Oz head]
Scarecrow: Look man, we ain't here to put up with this. We're here for stuff and since you're the best thing there is around here... such as it is... we've come to ask you for it.
Lion: I want some courage!
Tinman: I need a heart!
Scarecrow: And she needs a way home!
Narrator: You're supposed to ask for a brain, moron!
Oz: HMM... THAT SUCH SMALL CREATURES WOULD COME TO ME WITH THESE REQUESTS IS INDEED A UNIQUE CHALLANGE FOR ONE OF MY MANY TALENTS... HMM... BUT FIRST, PERHAPS A TEST OF THY STRENGTHS! YOU MAY HAVE WHAT YOU REQUEST, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROVIDE FOR ME ONE BOON...
Dorothy: Ask me to date you and I'll twist that nose off your face.
Oz: ...THEN GO TO THE CASTLE OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST, AND BRING ME BACK MY BLADE, SHE TURNED IT INTO HER BROOM.
Scarecrow: But that ain't fair! You're Oz the Great and Terrible, go get it yourself!
Oz: BE THAT AS IT MAY, I AM CURRENTLY INDISPOSED. YOU MUST GO IN MY STEAD.
Lion: The Wicked Witch? But that's even worse!
Oz: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!
Lion: Aagh! Yes sir!
Oz: DOROTHY MAY STAY HERE, HOWEVER, SO WE MAY DA- [Dorothy leaps up and grabs Oz's nose, starts twisting.]
Dorothy: Don't you even say it!
[The front doors of the Emerald City. The doors close and the Gatekeeper leans through his window.]
Gatekeeper: And don't come back without the Witch's broom! *SLAM*
Scarecrow: Man, you sure that Wizard can help us?
Dorothy: We won't know until we get the Witch's broom for him.
Tinman: So where's this Wicked Witch of the West live, anyway?
Scarecrow: The Wizard said she lives in a castle. But where could the castle be?
Dorothy: You really don't have any brains in your head, do you? If she's the Wicked Witch of the West then chances are good she'll live in the West, stupid!
[The Dark Forest of the West. The four heroes move cautiously through the twisted bare branches, with the night sky over head with a huge silver full moon.]
Lion: Maybe we should go back, huh? Maybe if we beg a lot the Wizard will just give us what we want, right?
Dorothy: But we made a promise to get the broom back. We can't turn back after coming so far.
Tinman: We just have to stay vigilant.
[As they walk, there are strange noises coming from the forest and Dorothy becomes more and more frightened.]
Dorothy: This place is really scarey. Maybe we should have waited until morning. [A branch catches on Dorothy's dress.] AAAAAAAGH! [She grabs onto Scarecrow.] Help! It's got me!
Scarecrow: Now what? What's got you? Ugh, it's just a branch. Why're you getting so scared for?
Dorothy: I'm not! I'm just nervous!
Scarecrow: There ain't anything out there, it's just a bunch of old wood. [They start walking again.]
[Meanwhile, up in the witches tower... Kodachi and Ukyo (who's dressed like Elvira for some reason, complete with the hair.]
Ukyo-Witch: Get out of here it's my turn!
Kodachi-Witch: Let go... you... evil... wicked... girl... [Ukyo tosses her offstage.]
Witch: Ah! Now then! Let's see... [Looks into crystal ball.] Oooh! Ran-chan! He's almost here! I can't wait..!
Narrator: Hey! Stay in character!
Witch: Oh, right! Eee-hee-hee-hee! That's right! I'll get you my pretty and your little piglet too! [Walks to a big cage and opens it up to reveal Sasuke with a monkey tail and a hang glider.] This is a flying monkey?
Narrator: Believe me, if it was my choice, we'd have splurged on some real monkeys. We're stuck with him, though.
Monkey: Is is this my big scene?
Narrator: Monkey's can't talk!
Witch: I want you to go down there and nab that Dorothy away from my Ran-chan!
Monkey: But I'm not sure if these wings will work for me...
Witch: I ain't gonna tell you twice you get that Dorothy! [Kicks the Monkey out a window, the glider tears in half and the Monkey falls to the ground far below].
[Meanwhile, the four heros are heading through the forest.]
Dorothy: It just keeps getting darker... maybe we 'should' set up camp...
Scarecrow: Aw come on it's not that dark, we'll be there in no time. Stop being such a scaredy cat.
[Suddenly the Monkey comes flying towards them, trying to get his broken glider to work.]
Monkey: Wooooaaagh!
Scarecrow: Look out! [Pushes Dorothy out of the way and Sasuke collides with him, knocking the stuffing out of Scarecrow and the Lion and Tinman scattering.]
Dorothy: Woah! [Falls to the ground.] Oh no! [The Scarecrow is lying across the ground as nothing but stuffing.] Is... is he... [Sasuke walks up and grabs Akane, picking her up.] Hey! Let me go!
Monkey: Ooo ooh, aah ah! [Runs with her.]
Dorothy: Aren't you supposed to fly?
Monkey: My wings broke... [Toto leaps off Dorothy]
Dorothy: Toto! Someone! Scarecrow! Hunk! Help!
[The monkey runs off with Dorothy, laughing. The Lion, Tinman and Toto look down at the stuffing and cloth that made the Scarecrow in worry.]
Tinman: This doesn't look good.
Lion: We have to do something! That monkey made off with Dorothy!
Tinman: But what about the Scarecrow? He's been torn to pieces.
Lion: Do you think... we could put him together again?
Tinman: We have to do something, otherwise Dorothy is as good as a goner to that Wicked Witch.
[Curtain closes. When it rises again, Dorothy is in the Witch's prison tower. The heavy door opens and the Witch steps in, struggling to stay on her feet with such a restrictive dress.]
Witch: Woah! I can't walk right! Ooah! *Ahem!* Now I've got you! You give me those sandels right this moment, or I'm gonna get rough!
Dorothy: Umm... why are you dressed like that?
Witch: They were all out of wicked witch costumes, okay?! Now are you gonna give me those sandals or not?!
Dorothy: But I can't take them off! You heard Glinda, the shoes chose their owner!
Witch: We'll see how if we can't loosen those shoes off your tootsies. [Brings out a big hour glass] This magical hourglass will slowly run down the minutes, and once it reaches midnight, you my pretty, will be dead!
Dorothy: Oh no, you can't!
Witch: Ha ha ha ha ha! I can do it if I want! I'm the Wicked Witch! Besides, all's fair in love and war right? Now Ran-chan is all mine!
Dorothy: You mean the Scarecrow... but... he was... torn to pieces by your flying monkey.
Witch: Ha ha ha ha... what.
Dorothy: It's true. [Turns to the barred window of the prison tower.]
Witch: No! No way! That stupid monkey! I'm gonna get him for this! [Storms out]
Dorothy: Hmm... [Looks out the window at the full moon outside.]
Narrator: Well, go on, say our lines.
Dorothy: What lines?
Narrator: [Reading] Oh Scarecrow/Hunk, you sacrificed yourself, to save me. I am so lost without you...
Dorothy: That's not in my copy of the script?
Narrator: Well someone wrote it on mine, big red highlights, too. [Reads] My darling, one true love Scarecrow/Hunk, my heart feels so heavy inside... please be all right... please let me see you again... who wrote this junk? Nothing but melodramatic mushy bleating.
Arianna: Well I thought it was cute.
Narrator: For a Kuno maybe.
Arianna: Fine! Don't read it! Just get on with the story will you?
[Meanwhile, back in the forest, the Tinman and the Lion look up from their work.]
Tinman: It was hard finding all of that straw.
Lion: All in all I think we did a fairly good job.
Scarecrow: You idiot! You put me together wrong! [The Scarecrow lies on the ground, he has an arm for a leg and a leg for an arm, and his head is coming out of his chest.
Narrator: Look ma! I'm a Picasso! Ha ha ha!
Scarecrow: Ju-shut up! You guys put me back together the right way! Right now! Or I'm gonna get mad!
Lion: Boy you've got a lot to learn about humility.
Scarecrow: Shut up! I never saw *you* in any positions like this before, old man! Put me back together the right way, Dorothy is in trouble with that witch!
Tinman: Ah, he's right! We must hurry if we are to save Dorothy from that Wicked Witch! Come on, Sao- Lion, let's put the Scarecrow back together and go save Dorothy!
Lion: Right!
[Later, Toto, the Lion, Scarecrow and Tinman sneak up to the front drawbridge of the Wicked Witch, where the sort of flying Monkey, thoroughly beaten, is guarding the doors.]
Monkey: Oooh...eeee...oooh... that Wicked Witch can certainly pack a punch... Oooh... eeee... oooh...
Lion: Oh... it's that monkey again. Now what do we do?
Tinman: We must find some way to sneak inside. Hmm... isn't the witch supposed to have more cronies, so we can steal their uniforms to get inside?
Narrator: Come on, we're already working with three times as many people as we usually do. Ranma's got a lot of characters but how many of them do you think have the time or the evidence to blackmail them into playing in these skits?
Tinman: Hmm... then we'll just have to be extra careful.
Lion: Hmm. The path of a true warrior is not in his fists but in his mind.
[The Scarecrow and Toto run up to Sasuke and knock him out with a hit to the head.]
Scarecrow: You guys coming or what? Hey! Come on!
Lion: Though the fist does sometimes have it's advantage.
Tinman: It is good to know both paths. Lets go.
[Back in the prison tower, Dorothy is looking outside and sees the Lion and Tinman heading into the castle.]
Dorothy: It's the Tinman, and the Lion... but... where... [She slumps. The door suddenly opens and the Wicked Witch comes in. The hourglass is still running, but the Witch grabs it and shakes it.]
Witch: Come on you dumb hourglass! Can't you go any faster I want those sandals! Oooh, it's bad enough that stupid monkey hurt my Ran-chan!
Dorothy: Maybe you should get into a different line of work.
Witch: Hmph. At least I have a job.
Dorothy: What do you mean by that?!
[The door behind the Witch bursts open and Scarecrow and Toto jump in.]
Scarecrow: Okay the jig is up! Let Dorothy go right now!
Dorothy: You... you're okay..!
Witch: Ran-chan! *Glomp!* Oh you're okay! I'm soooo happy!
Narrator: Stay in CHARACTER!
Witch: Oh... sorry Ran-chan I gotta hurt you now. [Clicks her hand and her broom appears in her hand.] You can't save her! The hourglass is almost empty! Soon Dorothy will be gone! And then the magic slippers will belong to me!
[Tinman and the Lion rush into the room.]
Tinman: I can't let that happen to my little girl! [Swings his ax, which the Witch barely avoids.]
Witch: Careful you jackass! That thing is real!
Narrator: Hey... my ax...
Tinman: Kill Dorothy!? I don't think so! [The Tinman swings and the Lion leaps aside, hitting the hourglass, shattering it and letting the red sand inside spill out onto the ground.
Witch: Nooo! [She runs to a torch and sets her broom ablaze (okay, it's fake, paper fire).] You'll pay for that you little misfit miscreants!
Scarecrow: Shouldn't that thing be on fire?
Narrator: Yeah right. This play is just barely legal as it is, we don't have the permits for a real fire.
Scarecrow: Ooh, my, fire... I-am-so-afraid.
Narrator: All right... [Comes on stage guiding Shampoo who's still in her witch outfit.] You want to be scared?
Shampoo: Mike, what you doing?
Ranma: Hey, what are you doing?
Narrator: You wanted to be motivated. [Splashes Shampoo with water and ties her to the broom with the fake fire.] There. Motivation. Action! [Runs off stage]
Witch: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ranma: YEAAAGH! [Dodges the uh... fire.] Get it away! WAAAGH! [Runs behind Dorothy]
Dorothy: *Disgruntled* Oh- my hero.
Ranma: Do something!
Dorothy: Oh honestly. [Stands holding a tea kettle] This should do. [She splashes Shampoo and the Witch.]
Witch: AAAAAAGH! That's HOT! [Starts smoking] Agh! I'm melting! I'm MELTING!
Narrator: Take it easy, it's just FX.
Witch: WAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I'M MELTING RAN-CHAN OOOH WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD..!
Shampoo: Ranma! *Glomp!* Ranma! Shampoo so scared of big mean witch! You save Shampoo! You Shampoo's hero!
Dorothy: Hmph! Thanks for the rescue! To think I was worried about you! *Shove* [Shampoo lets go of the Scarecrow and he falls through the barred windows and falls down into the castle moat. A second later a cane reaches out and tugs Shampoo off stage.]
Lion: Look! We have the Witch's broom! Now we can take it back to the Wizard and he'll give us what we want!
Dorothy: You're right! Let's go! Toto! Lion, Tinman, I'm so happy to see you all!
[Curtain closes, the rises. In the Wizard's chamber, Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Lion and Tinman face to giant disembodied floating head of Oz the Great and Terrible.]
Dorothy: We have the broom! Now show me how to go home!
Lion: Give me some courage!
Tinman: And a heart!
Scarecrow: You heard them!
Oz: YOU HAVE BROUGHT BACK THE BROOM, BUT I MUST DECLINE.
Dorothy: What?
Scarecrow: But we brought the broom back what more do you want?
Oz: TRUE YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED... VERY WELL THEN... I SHALL SHOW YOU HOW TO RETURN TO THE PLACE YOU LOVE!
Dorothy: I don't like where *this* is going.
Oz: THE ONLY WAY TO RETURN TO THE PLACE YOU LOVE... IS TO FLY INTO MY ARMS, MY LOVE!
[Toto leaps down from Dorothy's arms as the giant head floats towards her. Scarecrow kicks it in the nose to drive it back a bit.]
Scarecrow: C'mon man this ain't in the script!
Oz: COME TO ME, MY DEAR AKANE!
[Toto starts sniffing around a curtain in a corner of the room, and he bites onto the curtain and pull it open to reveal the 'real' Wizard of Oz, the poetry-spouting one.]
Oz: Huh? Ah! Ignore the devilishly handsome man behind that curtain! I am the true Wizard of Oz, not him!
Dorothy: Yeah, somehow I'm not surprised.
Scarecrow: Huh, his head might have shrunk... *pops knuckles* BUT HIS EGO'S THE SAME SIZE! *CRACK POW KAPOW WHAM!*
[Oz slides to the ground, beaten and dazed.]
Scarecrow: There! What do I need a brain for anyway I got enough straw to know you down. And Tinman, he had the heart to fight for Dorothy, and the Lion... well... he's just a coward. He doesn't have any courge. Now, you gonna show Dorothy how to get home or what?
Dorothy: ...
[Later, in the middle of the town, Dorothy and Oz stand in front of a huge hot air balloon in the middle of town. Scarecrow, Lion and Tinman stand nearby with medals and everyone else who played some part in the play is present, excluding the Witch and Glinda. The hot air balloon, pervertedly enough, is a huge representation of onna-Ranma.]
Scarecrow: Oh man. I'm gonna be sick.
Oz: Ah! Do not fret my love for I have constructed this balloon with which to return us to the land of Kansas! Simply climb aboard, and you shall have your ride home.
Dorothy: I'm not entirely sure I want to be seen in that thing.
Oz: *Climbs in* It is of sturdy design and remarkable visage! Truly I am a craftsman of many fine talents. Once the balloon rises, we will not stop until we reach Kansas. *Takes Dorothy and pulls her into the basket* Come my love, let us ride together in this balloon, and experience our love together alone... *POW!*
Dorothy: [Leaps out of the basket and Scarecrow catches her] YEAH RIGHT! LIKE I'D EVER RIDE IN A BALLOON ALONE WITH YOU!
Oz: Come back my love! We are fated to be together! [He floats away]
Scarecrow: Man, what a creep. [He sets down Dorothy, but she sinks to her knees, crying.] Huh? Hey... what's wrong... Dorothy... [He kneels beside her.]
Dorothy: *Sob* Now... I'll... I'll never get home! [She turns and cries into Scarecrow's shirt.]
Scarecrow: Hey... come on... you're gettin' my straw wet... hmm... [He puts a reassuring arm over her shoulders.]
Voice: Of course you can go home.
Munchkin1: Well look, it's that Glinda the Good Witch again.
Gatekeeper: Ooh!
[Glinda's bubble floats down and lands in front of Dorothy, then pops and reveals Glinda herself.]
Dorothy: Glinda..? How? How can I go home?
Glinda: Why, you've had the power to go home all along, Dorothy.
Dorothy: But how?
Glinda: With your ruby slip- er... sandals. All you have to do is close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say to yourself, "There's no place like home" and when you open your eyes, you'll be there!
Dorothy: That's wonderful! I can finally go home!
Scarecrow: *Smiles* Yeah, home.
Dorothy: Oh... [She looks at the Scarecrow.] But... I've made so many friends here. Even ones that can seem like jerks at times.
Scarecrow: Uh... well... [Puts his hands behind his head and stretches] That is...
Tinman: If you'd rather stay here, Dorothy, then you're more than welcome to.
Lion: Yeah, I've never had a friend like you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I don't know... I have so many friends her, but I do really miss home... [She looks at the Scarecrow, who puts his hand to his chin in thought.] What are you doing? I thought you didn't have a brain.
Scarecrow: I ain't that smart, but I know one thing. [He steps up close to Dorothy.]
Dorothy: What... what are you doing? [She gets defenseive, Toto starts growling.]
Scarecrow: Don't worry. [He gets in *real* close and takes her shoulders. Dorothy stares at him, eyes wide, and he just stares back, calm, eyes gentle. After a moment, trembling a bit, she closes her eyes.]
Dorothy: What are you going to do?
[The Scarecrow leans up to her ear. With a sudden movement, he reaches out with his food and pushes her feet together so the sandles click.]
Scarecrow: There's no place like home. [He steps back quickly, and Dorothy's eyes swing open.]
Dorothy: What? Wait! [The world starts spinning around her, and she holds Toto close to her.] No! Stop! I don't want to go home yet! Glinda! Tinman! Lion! Scarecrow! Please...
[Curtain closes and raises itself. Dorothy slowly opens her eyes. She is in her room, in bed, with Toto lying down beside her. She sits up with a start but Auntie Em gently pushes her back onto the pillow.]
Auntie Em: Oh, Dorothy, you're awake! Not so sudden, you have a nasty bump on your head.
Dorothy: Auntie Em? Where am I?
Auntie Em: In your room of course. [She walks to the window.] Fath- I mean, Henry! Dorothy is awake!
Dorothy: Awake? What happened? How did I get here? [Uncle Henry, Zeke and Hunk all come into the room and surround her bed.]
Uncle Henry: Oh Dorothy! We were so worried about you! When the twister came we feared the worst!
Zeke: We thought you'd been sucked up for sure!
Dorothy: But I was sucked up! The whole house was pulled up into the sky... and I landed in a faraway land... with Munchkins and witches... and the Emerald City, and that perverted Wizard...
[Zeke and Uncle Henry exchange worried looks.]
Zeke: Huh? Maybe that bump on her head was harder than we thought.
Uncle Henry: Dorothy dear, that couldn't have happened, the twisted just past by a short hour ago, we were so worried when you didn't come home, but Hunk found you, safe and sound in Auntie Em's room.
Dorothy: Hunk? [She stares at Hunk, who just stares back, blinking.] But I *know* I went there, the entire house lifted off the ground and landed on an evil witch, and there was a Scarecrow and a Tin Woodsman, and a cowardly Lion, I saw all of you, Uncle Henry you were the Tinman, and Zeke you were the Lion, and Hunk, you... [she trails off, the two of them staring at each other for a moment.] You were the scarecrow.
Hunk: Well that can't be right. [He steps up beside Dorothy] The house didn't go nowhere, the twisted past us right by. You must've dreamt it all.
Dorothy: Dreamt it... all?
Auntie Em: I'll go get you some tea. I'm so glad you're all right, Dorothy. We all worry about you so much, that's why we act so protective of you, we don't want to see you get hurt. [She steps out. Uncle Henry nudges Zeke and they nod to each other, making a discreet exit.]
Hunk: So how do you feel?
Dorothy: I... I feel okay, I guess.
Hunk: What's wrong?
Dorothy: I... it's nothing. The dream felt so real... I was a little sad to leave it.
Hunk: Hmm... [Starts to stand, and Dorothy reaches out and hugs him.] Huh? Hey...
Dorothy: *Smiles faintly* Thank you... For worrying about me. And... for making the decision I didn't think I could.
Hunk: Huh? I never... hmm... I'm just glad you aren't hurt or nothing. [He falls silent, looking down on her as the curtain closes.]
[After a few moments, Mike and Arianna come onto the stage. Arianna gives him a big hug.]
Mike: What's that for?
Arianna: That was such a WAFFy ending. I love it! ^_^
Mike: [Puts his hands behind his head like Ranma and stares up at the ceiling.] Well, I had a feeling you'd like it.
Arianna: Hmm, that almost makes up for the way you were acting tonight.
Mike: Almost?
Arianna: Yeah, you almost had a complete recovery, too bad, guess you'll get it next time.
Mike: Oh I'm so sure. You had me imprisoned in this little massacre of modern art.
Arianna: 'Cause you never get anything done on time unless I do! When did you say this script would be done? Huh? Two weeks ago?
Mike: A week and a half! And it's not like I didn't try to get it done, I got other things I gotta do you know, my folks've probably gone nuts I've probably got my face on every milk carton from home to Ohio!
Arianna: Maybe now you'll follow deadlines.
Mike: *Grumble* I'll show you a deadline! C'mere! [Chases her off stage]
Arianna: AAAAH! Someone help me! I can't write plays with him around!
Mike: Regretting forcing me to come here are you!? You're gonna regret it even more in a second! *BONK!* OW! You and that stupid hammer! *POW POW POW!*