Voice Backstage: Whoa, hey, watch it! N-no . . . don't drop that! AAAUGH!

*CRASSHHHHH*

. . . . . . . . . . .

[A short girl with shoulder-length, dark blond hair steps onstage, pulling the curtain tightly shut behind herself. She is wearing a black gi and bandanna, and grins guiltily at the audience.]

Girl to Whom the Voice Belongs: Hello there, everybody. V-chan here. I'm filling in for my cousin, A-chan today as, ah . . . Narrator of the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre. Today's show is a real treat, as our favorite acting troupe will be performing for us one of my favorite tales, ‘The Little Mermaid'!

Arianna: [Poking her head into view from stage left.] Against my better judgement.

V-chan: A-chan! You're so mean. I promised not to get into trouble didn't I? [Makes her trademark puppydog face.]

Arianna: You certainly did. And so did Mike! [Disappears again]

V-chan: Humph. Anyway, today we have planned a very special feature, with specially designed sets and props for your, er, reading pleasure! This play stars, OF course, our favorite Ranma Saotome as the Prince and Akane Tendo as the Little Mermaid! YAY!

Ranma: [Walks onstage, dressed as the Prince, dragging Arianna behind him] Leggo! I told ya', the costume is fine! Stop messin' with it!

Arianna: [Pulls the needle through one more time, then snaps the thread with her teeth.] I want gold stitching! I told you to wait until I was finished!

V-chan: Where's Akane?

Arianna: Backstage. [Grin] I'm still working on her costume. ^_~

V-chan and Arianna: [Begin giggling manically. Ranma gulps, paling slightly.]

V-chan: ANYway. The part of the evil Sea Witch will be played by Kodachi Kuno. The part of the Human Princess is played by Shampoo and am I forgettin' anybody?

Arianna: The Witch's Sidekick. Sasuke.

V-chan: The Little Mermaid's Sisters! Nabiki and Kasumi Tendo!

Arianna: The beautiful and charming costume designer, set designer and stage hand. [Poses] Yatta! *Bonk!* Ow.

V-chan: [Sweatdropping] Yes, well, let's just get started. Places, people!

[V-chan runs offstage.]

Narrator(V-chan): Ahem! Alrighty then! Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Little Mermaid, except, for reasons that I can't go into right now, we have to introduce the prince first, so, once upon a time, there was a Handsome Prince.

Prince(Ranma): [Gets shoved onstage. Looks very confused.] Huh?

Narrator: And, at the same time, there was a beautiful little mermaid. Ready, A-chan?

Arianna: [From backstage] I think so.

Akane: [Also from backstage] I feel so silly in this!

Arianna: You're lovely. Let's go!

[Arianna runs from one side of the stage to the other. Then the curtain goes up. Akane is sitting on a foam rubber rock, wearing a sparkly mermaid costume. The bottom half is a shiny, skintight green tail-like skirt, with a flare at the bottom for a fin. The upper half is a bikini top.]

Ranma:[Staring] Uh . . . . .[Covers his nose] Oh, crab.

Arianna: ^_^ Thank you, I designed it. Want a tissue?

Ranma: Daks a lod. Just shuddub.

Akane:[Blushing] I feel ridiculous.

Narrator: And she gave Ranma a bloody nose!

Ranma: Jusd be quied.

Akane:[Blushing] It's only because he's a pervert.

Ranma:[Wipes his nose on a tissue] It is not! You can't look the way you look and not expect to. . . I mean . . . [covers his nose again] Dever bind.

Narrator: ^_^ Anyway, once upon a time there was a Beautiful Mermaid and a Handsome Prince, but they hadn't met each other yet.

[Ranma and Akane are both pulled offstage.]

Narrator: The Little Mermaid, named Akane, was very beautiful and also had a lovely voice! Um . . . and two sisters, too. Now, she would often wonder about the human world, and was unhappy in her underwater home –

Voice from Stage Left: Because she can't swim!

Voice from Stage Right: Shut UP, Ranma!!

Narrator: AHEM!! Unhappy because she wanted to know more about the human world. Now one day, the Mermaid, that is, Akane, swam up to the surface and happened to see a ship.

[Two stage hands, who look suspiciously like Arianna and Mike run onstage, drop the foam rock and then plop Akane on top of it. The same two stage hands zoom to the other side of the stage and shove a prop built to look like the first four feet of a ship's deck, then throw Ranma up into it.]

Narrator: On this ship was sailing the Handsome Prince, named Ranma. Akane fell in love with him at first sight.

Akane: Not! Whoa! [waves her arms to keep from falling off her rock.]

Ranma: HA! [Sticks his tongue out at her, but leans too far over the fake railing and faceplants into the stage.]

Narrator: Hmm . . . ^_^*. You weren't supposed to fall out yet.

[A stage hand rushes out and throws Ranma back up onto the fake ship.]

Narrator: Anyway, as Akane watched the ship, a storm came up.

Arianna: [Runs onstage, dressed as Storm from the ‘X-men'] Here I am!

Narrator: Augh! [Bonks Arianna with a low-grade mallet] Not THAT kind of storm!

Arianna: Darn. And the costume looked so cool, too. [Walks back offstage]

Narrator: A storm came up, with thunder and lighting!

[Enter both stage hands again, dressed all in black. Arianna is carrying a cardboard lightning bolt and Mike is carrying a small, gray cardboard cloud. They march out, stare into the audience, then march back off.]

Narrator: [BIG sweatdrop] Ooookaaayyy . . . . I guess that was the storm then. Right. Anyway, the sea began to toss and turn wildly and the ship was tossed violently! Then, suddenly, there was a huge wave and as Akane watched in horror, the Prince was thrown overboard!!

[The stage hands enter once more, and while one grabs Ranma's wrists, the other grabs his ankles.]

Ranma: What tha-?!

Arianna: Ready?

Mike: Ready!

Both: ONE! TWO! TH–

Narrator: Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT! Where's the water?

Ranma: [Blanches] Wa-wa-wa . . .?

Arianna:[snapping her fingers and dropping Ranma's feet.] Forgot!

Mike: Oh, darn, I was looking forward to this. [They both head offstage. A moment later, Arianna reappears on the opposite side of the stage, guiding something.]

Arianna: Steady . . . steady . . . .

[A gargantuan fishtank is slowly shoved onstage, finally revealing Mike to be the one pushing it.]

Mike: Why do . . . *I* always . . . end up doing all the work?!

Arianna: Because you're so good at it. ^_^

Mike: . . . .

Narrator: [Sighing] Why did I agree to let them help? I should have just kicked them both out.

[Arianna rolls one of those staircases like they use for airplane boarding up to the edge of the tank. At the same time, Mike picks up Akane, runs up the stairs and sets her on the edge of the tank.]

Arianna: There ya go, honey! That's efficiency for ya.

Narrator: Thanks . . . I think. Anyway, like, we said, Akane watched as Prince Ranma was thrown overboard.

Stage Hands: One! TWO! THREE!!

Ranma: HEYY!!! [He flies across the stage. All the way across the stage and disappears with a crash on the other side.

Arianna: Oops. That was Mike's fault.

Mike: Hey! Wait a second!

Akane: Ranma? You jerk! I - whoa - whoa! [Flaps her arms to retain her balance, but can't, and she falls into the fishtank] H-help!!

Ranma: [Appearing onstage again.] Akane! [He jumps up to the edge of the fishtank and hops into the water.

Narrator: Uh . . . er, um, so, um, the Prince jumped into the water to save Akane from drowning . . . uh . . . .

[Ranma by this time has retrieved Akane and resurfaces, gasping and throwing an arm over the edge of the tank to crawl out.]

Ranma: ITTAI!! This water is boiling!! [He sits on the edge with Akane in his lap, coughing and sputtering.]

Arianna: Eh? [She runs up and sticks a finger in the water.] OUCH! [Arianna runs offstage and returns with a huge paddle in her hands. She begins stirring the water vigorously.] Heh heh! My mistake, folks! I guess I got a little carried away when I was heating the pool!

Mike: [Crosses his arms.] I TOLD you not to try and set the thermostat by yourself.

Arianna: Oh, you shut up.

Mike: This is what happens when you insist on doing everything your own way!

Arianna: Did I ask for your opinion?

Mike: Heh . . . Tomboy.

Arianna: Grr . . . Why, you --

V-chan: Oh, brother, you guys! Stop arguing! I'm NEVER gonna finish this play if you two don't shut up! [Pushes Arianna towards the edge of the stage.] Off! Off! Both of you! Go backstage and stop causing trouble!

Arianna: But - but - but!

V-chan: NO BUTS!!

[The curtain goes down and there are sounds of a scuffle, the it rises again, revealing Ranma and Akane still sitting on the edge of the aquarium, dripping, and staring at something offstage incredulously.]

Narrator: Umm . . . right. So, anyway, the Prince rescued the . . . I mean, the Little Mermaid saved the . . . aw, man! Akane rescued Ranma and dragged him onto the beach.

[The aquarium is shoved offstage and replaced by a big sandbox with a few palm trees scattered about it. Two of the palm trees are much bigger than the others. Ranma frowns, but picks Akane up and jumps down to the beach set. Somebody offstage throws a mallet at Ranma, knocking him out and pulling Akane with him.]

Narrator: But, the Prince wasn't breathing, so Akane decided she had to give him mouth-mouth resuscitation!

[Akane sits bolt upright, hair standing on end.]

Akane: W-W-WHAAAT?!?!

Narrator: . . . A-CHAAAAN!!! [Stomping across the stage, waving some papers] -If you don't stop messing with my script -

Arianna: [Poking her head onstage] But I didn't!

V-chan: [Pauses] What? Well then, who did?! Mike?

Voice From Backstage: Don't look at me! I'd never pull that cheap of a waffy gag!

Arianna: He's right. It must have been somebody else.

V-chan: But who else would want t-o . . . . AUGH! Soun! Genma!

[There are crashing, scrambling noises as the two largest palm trees make a break for it. All but the unconscious Ranma watch, facefaulting]

V-chan: Aa!! They just don't quit! Why do I do these things to myself?

Arianna: For the . . . oh, wait, that's right, you volunteered . . . .

Narrator(Still V-chan): Anyway! So, the Little Mermaid rescued the Prince, right? She dragged him onto the beach and then waited behind some rocks to see what would happen. Before long, a pretty, human girl came along.

[Enter Shampoo, wearing a big, frilly pink dress that she somehow manages to look good in. She strolls around the stage for a moment before catching sight of Ranma.]

Shampoo: Aiya! This very handsome stranger! Shampoo take home to great-grandmother! [She picks Ranma up and tosses him over her shoulder, exiting stage left.]

Narrator: The Little Mermaid was very sad to see her Prince taken away, but she knew that he would be better off in the company of other humans, so she swam sadly back home.

Akane: [Sweatdropping] Whatever.

Narrator: The Little Mermaid's two older sisters noticed that she looked unhappy and tried to cheer her up.

[A cheap underwater set replaces the beach scene. Nabiki and Kasumi Tendo come onstage, both wearing green dresses, obviously cheap substitutes for mermaid costumes.]

Eldest Sister(Kasumi): Oh, my, little sister, are you still feeling unhappy?

Middle Sister(Nabiki): You need to perk up. Go out and make some money.

Narrator: But the Little Mermaid was still sad. She confessed to her sisters her desire to be human, although she didn't tell them it was because of the handsome Prince.

Akane: I can't believe this . . . .

Eldest Sister: Oh, my, Akane! That's impossible!

Middle Sister: Yeah. Everyone knows the only way to do that would be by the magic powers of the evil Sea Witch.

Eldest Sister: And she's quite dangerous! You must stay far away from her!

Narrator: But the Mermaid was pining away for her beloved Prince, and finally she decided that she had to try and become human.

Akane: Why aren't I getting any say in this at all!

[Ranma suddenly sticks his head onstage, looking a little groggy.]

Ranma: As if *I* had any say in this! [He looks behind himself, blanches, and disappears.]

Narrator: So the Little Mermaid went to see the Sea Witch.

[Akane is still sitting on her foam rubber rock as the set changes once more to your classic ‘bad part of the ocean' set. Sasuke enters, dressed in his usual clothes, but with a distinctly ugly fish tied to his head.]

Witch's Sidekick(Sasuke): Who are you?

Akane: Er . . . I'm the youngest daughter of King, er . . . Neptune.

Witch's Sidekick: Oh, I see. I suppose you desire an audience with my mistress, the most extraordinary, beautiful sorceress in all the sea!

Akane: Well, not really . . . .

Witch's Sidekick: Right this way, please.

[Actually, it is the set that slides to the left, revealing Kodachi in a tight black dress sitting in a spiky seashell throne]

Sea Witch(Kodachi): Oh, hohohoho! And what do we have here? A little mermaid, is it? What do you wish of the Great and Powerful Black Rose?

Narrator: Black Barnacle. Er, Black Barracuda? Black Octopus, no . . . hmm . . . .

Voice From Offstage: Black Anemone!

Narrator: Hey, yeah, thanks!

Akane: Um . . . I want . . . um, legs?

Sea Witch: And why should I grant your request? Don't you know that I, the Black Rose –

Narrator: Anemone.

Sea Witch: The Black Anemone, shall have Prince Ranma-darling all to myself! Oh, hohohohoho!

Narrator: Hey! Stick to the script, or else you'll be replaced!

Sea Witch: Hmm. Quite a peremptory child.

Narrator: WHAT did you just call me?!

Sea Witch: I can grant your request, but in return you must give me your voice! OH, hohohohoho!!

Akane: Well, I can certainly see why you'd want a replacement.

Narrator: The Little Mermaid agreed, and the Witch turned her into a human girl.

Sea Witch: Presto! [A huge cloud of smoke explodes and obscures the stage from view.]

Narrator: *Cough Cough* So, the Little Mermaid was changed into a human girl. *Hack!*

[Some helpful soul turns on a fan offstage, shooing the smoke away and revealing the beach set again. Akane is sitting on the beach wearing a rather skimpy green dress, obviously a cheap attempt at a seaweed gown, and has been gagged. She doesn't look happy.]

Akane: Mmph!!

Narrator: Er . . . as fate would have it, who should show up just then but the Prince himself.

[Ranma walks onstage, looks at Akane and fights to keep from cracking up.]

Akane: Grrr . . . .

Ranma: I don't think you've ever looked better.

Narrator: Cut it out, you two. Being a kind, good-hearted Prince, Ranma took the beautiful but mute girl back to his palace. Once there, however, she discovered that he was to be married to another girl!

[A castle slams down onto the stage. Shampoo is sitting on top of it.]

Princess(Shampoo): Violent girl no win this time. Shampoo marry Ranma! [She jumps off the castle and runs to glomp Ranma.]

Ranma: [Sweatdrop] Heh heh . . . heh . . . .

Narrator: [Attempting to restrain a very red-faced, angry-looking Akane.] So! Heh heh, the Mermaid was heartbroken, but of course, she couldn't tell the Prince he was marrying the wrong girl. The day of the wedding was getting closer and finally it was the night before.

Voice from Backstage: Lucky it wasn't the night after! Ha ha!

. . . . . . .

Voice: You're going to get me for that later, aren't you.

Narrator: Yes. The Prince was to be married on board his finest ship. The night before the wedding, the poor Little former Mermaid walked up on the deck. To her surprise, when she looked down into the waves, she saw her sisters!

[Akane, still gagged and looking very angry walks up on a crudely constructed platform as Kasumi and Nabiki come onstage.]

Eldest Sister: Oh, my, Akane, what a pickle you've gotten into. *Smiles*

Middle Sister: Not a wise business agreement, Akane.

Eldest Sister: Yes, but we've come to help you.

Middle Sister: Here! [Tosses a garden hose up to Akane. Akane catches it and raises her eyebrows.] It's simple! One little splash and your troubles are over! He's all yours!

Ranma: [Running onstage] Now WAIT a minute! This was never part of the deal!

Middle Sister: [Calmly] Well, Akane's gotta protect her investments, doesn't she?

[Akane holds up the hose.]

Ranma: H-hey!

[Shampoo runs onstage, holding a teakettle.]

Shampoo: Airen! Come to Shampoo! She change you back into man! Violent girl only want to turn you girltype! Shampoo only one can change you back!

Ranma: I . . . I . . . oh, man! [He looks at Akane almost longingly, but his eyes fall on the hose in her hands. Akane looks indecisive for a moment, then slowly lets the hose drop. Ranma's eyes light up.] Akane!

Akane: [Reaches up and manages to yank the gag off, tossing it aside.] Ranma!

Narrator: Um . . . er . . . a-at that moment, er, the witch's spell suddenly fell away and the Little Mermaid's voice returned . . . er, because the Prince realized that he loved her? I dunno, or something.
Ranma: [Walks up to Akane.] Ah, Akane, I . . . uh . . . . [Blushing.]

Akane: [Blushing.] R-Ranma . . . .

[Ranma suddenly gets tackled from behind by Shampoo.]

Shampoo: No! Ranma belong to Shampoo!

[Kodachi suddenly runs back onstage.]

Kodachi: Insolent winches! Ranma-darling is MY beloved! Come to me, my darling! [She jumps on top of Shampoo and the two start pushing and shoving each other and squishing Ranma in the process.]

Narrator: *Sigh* Oh, well. I guess it was too much to hope for.

Akane: That jerk.

Narrator: Oh, well. Maybe next time. [A megaphone appears in her hands and she leans down to Shampoo and Kodachi.] THERE HE GOES!! HE'S GETTING AWAY!!

Shampoo: Ranma no go!!

Kodachi: Darrliiing!

[They run offstage, leaving a rather trampled Ranma behind. After a few moments, he pops back to his normal shape and stands, groaning and brushing himself off.]

Narrator: ^_^ And they all lived happily ever after. Prince Ranma and Princess Akane were married that day instead of Ranma and the other girl, hee, and they were both in love for their whole lives and everything was wonderful and now that I'm finished I get to go eat!!! Yay!! Bai-bai, everybody! See you again sometime!! [Runs offstage and vanishes. Ranma and Akane glance at each other, then shrug and walk offstage together as well. A moment later, Mike runs across the stage, glancing nervously over his shoulder. A backstage door slams and a moment later, Arianna stomps onstage.]

Arianna: [Puts her hands on her hips, scowling.] You jerks! You promised you'd help me clean up this mess! Come back here! [Runs offstage in the direction Mike and V-chan took.]

[The curtain goes down.]

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