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[There's a rustling behind the curtains, and MWallace steps out, wearing his usual all black outfit, but he's wearing glasses now and reading a citrus fanfic.]
Mike: Eww... Oh man that's not right. I'd like to know why people who hate this series so much have to write such vivid depictions, 'cause I know no *fan* of the series would do anything like this... ugh... it's like a train wreck... I can't stand to read... but I must...
[A long cane comes out and taps Mike's shoulder, when he doesn't respond, it hits him over the head and he looks up at the audiance, grinning and tossing the lemon fic aside.]
Mike: Konban wa! Welcome to the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! This is the only place where our actors are subjected to cruel forms of punishment and torture for no reason for no pay and yet come back again and again to perform!
Voice: [off stage] 'Cause you blackmailed us you jerk!
Mike: You're right, I do love black when I work! Ha ha ha! We've got a great show tonight for you, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, we'll be recreating the classic fairy tale Hanzel And Gretel! This evening, in his first starring role, is the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, Tatewaki Kuno, as Hanzel!
[Kuno steps up on stage, wearing his classic blue and black outfit, waving his bokken, holding a rose in his mouth.]
Kuno: Ah! My adoring crowd! I grace your presences with my handsome visage! How you love me!
Mike: No no no! That outfit won't do at all! Makeup! Get Hanzel here an appropriate outfit for his part!
[Several schoolgirls walk up on stage carrying clothing, measuring tape, needles and thread, so on. On the back of their vests is written "St. Hebereke Drama and Fashion Class"]
Lead Girl: Oh my god! Look at all this! This won't do at all!
[The girls attack Kuno with their equipment.]
Kuno: Agh! Ow! Watch where you are putting that pin, woman!
[The girls run off, leaving Kuno wearing a pair of green shorts with suspenders, a white shirt and a funny little hat. In essence, your stereotypical Swedish accordian player type]
Kuno: YEE-GADS! WHAT ARE THESE GARMENTS YOU HAVE FORCED ME INTO!
Mike: Yeah, you look beautiful. True Hanzel material. *BOOT!* [Mike kicks Kuno offstage] Now, of course in the place of Hanzel's sister Gretel, we have the rising star in Martial Arts Rythmic Gymnastics! The Black Rose, Kodachi Kuno!
[Kodachi comes on stage wearing a far more fashionable dress that matches Kuno's colors but is sexier and more stylish.]
Kodachi: Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Don't I look utterly adorable!
Mike: Sure thing, my dear. Finally, in the place of the Wicked, Mean, Nasty and Ugly Old Witch, we have Ranma Saotome!
Voice: [off stage] Can't I just be 'the Witch'?
Mike: ...How's about Gigantic Disgusting Bloated Festering Wart-Infested Pus-filled Oozing Slug-for-a-Butt?
[Ranma-chan rushes on stage wearing a black cloak and pointy witch hat, she smiles to the crowd.]
Ranma-Chan: Eee-hee-hee-hee! I'm the Wicked, Mean, Nasty and Ugly Old Witch!
Mike: But I thought we agreed on Gigantic Digusting-
Ranma-Chan: Just how long do you want this production to be?
Mike: Touche. And playing Hanzel and Gretel's loving Father is of course Principal Kuno!
[The Principal jumped up on stage, waving his hair clippers around.]
Principal: Aloha! Where be dat little Tachi? School Rules say boy must have buzz-cut! Clippy clippy clip clip!
Mike: [Speaking in his best Hawaiian accent] Here, be a present from de island. [Hands the Principal a package.]
Principal: Oooh! What dis be? *KABOOM!* Me be tinking I should've known beddah.
Mike: Now get backstage or I'll show you how we open coconuts where I come from... [brandishes an ax] Heh heh heh heh..!
Principal: Me be tinking you one messed up keikei. Aloha! [Runs backstage]
Mike: Darn. I've been egging to try this thing out. [Puts away the ax.] Places everyone!
[Mike disappears behind the curtain, a moment later it rises to reveal a forest setting with a huge elegant mansion.]
Narrator[Mike]: What is this? The script calls for a poverty-striken shack, not Buckingham Palace!
Voice: [off-stage] Hanzel says this is as delaptiated a home as he is capable of living in.
Narrator: Marvellous. Once upon a time on the edge of a dark forest there lived a brother and sister named Hanzel and Gretel.
[Kuno and Kodachi come on stage, Kodachi in her elegant gown, Kuno in his ridiculous accordion outfit.]
Narrator: Hanzel and Gretel were poor siblings who lived in an old shack near the forest, and they were tormented by their step-mother, who was a mean old woman.
[Ranma-chan comes on-stage dressed as an old woman and not as the witch.]
Wicked, Mean, Nasty and- oh fine! Witch! Just Witch: Eee-hee-hee! Go into the woods and pick me some mushrooms!
[Kuno clomps onto Ranma-chan.]
Hanzel: Oh Pig-tailed girl! Come away with me! *POW!*
Witch: Stupid! Can't you stop thinking about that for five minutes!?
Narrator: Hanzel and Gretel didn't want to go into the forest, because their loving father had told them that a mean old witch lived there.
[The Principal comes on-stage, carrying his clippers.]
Father: Don't be going, my Gretel! Is very bad place being in dat forest!
Gretel: Oh father dear! But mother insists I go!
Father: In that case, you be taking dis bread with you. Just leave da pieces as you go, and you find you way home in no time!
Gretel: Oh how clever! Let us go, brother dear! [Kodachi grabs Kuno with her ribbon and drags him offstage.]
Narrator: Set change!
[A new deep-forest set slams down into place in front of the first, squishing Ranma-chan underneath.
Witch: OW! Whatchu do that for!?
Narrator: You're a martial artist, aren't you supposed to be fast?
[Someone from behind the set drags Ranma out of sight and Kuno and Kodachi come into the scene. Kodachi is leaving bread crumbs, and Kuno is eating them.]
Narrator: Hanzel and Gretel went deep into the forest looking for mushrooms, all the while Gretel left behind a trail of breadcrumbs to follow home with... uh... Gretel? Your brother is eating your crumbs.
Gretel: What? BROTHER! *SLAP!* I've been using those to leave a trail to go home with!
Hanzel: I refuse to work under these conditions. I am hungry and demand to be fed! Sasuke!
[A short ninja-type guy appears beside Kuno with a small table covered with elegant French cuisine.]
Sasuke: Here master!
Hanzel: Excellent!
Narrator: Hey! Little guy! You see this?! [Brandishes ax]
Sasuke: Oh! Right! Terribly sorry! [Takes the food from Kuno just as he's about to eat it. He chomps down hard on his hand and yowls in pain.]
Hanzel: Dastardly fiend! Bring back my rations immediately!
Narrator: Just stick with the lines you oversized two-year old! Now then, it was getting dark, and Gretel, the smarter though less stable of the two siblings, decided they would have to go home without the mushrooms for their mother.
Gretel: We'll never find any mushrooms here dear brother, I'm afraid we must return home empty handed.
Narrator: But Gretel and Hanzel were shocked to discover that their breadcrumbs had been eaten by crows! Lost and alone in the dark forest, Hanzel and Gretel wandered aimlessly, hungry and afraid, until they happened to see light in the distance! It was a house, made completely of delicious items that Hanzel and Gretel couldn't resist!
[A witch's house set slams down in front of Kuno and Kodachi. The house is not made of gingerbread and candy, but scandelous photos of Ranma-chan and dashing masculine photos of Ranma.]
Voice: [off-stage] HEY WAIT A MINUTE! SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS TAKING THOSE PICTURES!
Narrator: Consider our actors, Saotome, do you really think they'd want gingerbread?
Ranma-chan: [Sticking her head into view] I didn't agree to this! This is extortion!
Narrator: You're quicker than I thought.
Hanzel: Pictures of my beautiful Pig-tailed Girl!
Gretel: Oh! Darling photos of my one true love Ranma Saotome! Oh I must have them all!
Narrator: Hanzel and Gretel started stuffing their pockets with pictures of their respective lustful interests, and soon were so stuffed they could hardly move.
[Gretel and Hanzel collapse onto the ground, their clothing filled with all the pictures they could carry.]
Hanzel: Ah my beautiful red-haired goddess...
Gretel: Rrrran-mah darling...
[The door to the house opens suddenly and Ranma-chan steps out, dressed as the witch.]
Witch: What's this then! Filling yourself up with... ugh... goodies, are we? Eee-hee-hee! Why don't you come inside my pretties? There are plenty of my goodies inside!
[A volcano goes off in Kuno's head.]
Hanzel: More... goodies... inside..? [Leaps to his feet and takes Ranma-chan in his arms.] But you musn't my precious there are so many present here! I know that you burn with secret desire and that the flames of our passion have been fanned by our presence together but you must stay your hand until I can accompany you to my bedchambers! *POW CRACK KABOOM WHACK STUN IMBED!*
Witch: DON'T EVEN THINK LIKE THAT YOU SICKO!
Narrator: Ugh... Anyway, Hanzel and Gretel, tempted by the possibility of more treats within, gullibly accepted the old woman's offer, and once they were inside, the old woman grabbed them, and threw them into cages!
[*Slam!* Ranma-chan swings the door on Kuno's cage, and then does the same for Kodachi's.]
Witch: Eee-hee-hee! Now I've got you!
Gretel: Oh no! Whatever will you do with us?
Witch: First thing I'm gonna do is burn these photos! Where are the negatives, you paparazzi jerk!?
Narrator: Don't do your job and you'll never know.
Witch: Grrr! Fine! [Throws photos onto the fire] Now then! I'm going to keep you two brats in cages, and when you're all fat and juicy, I'll throw you on the fire and eat you! Eee-hee-hee!
Gretel: Oh dear! Woe is me! Save me Ranma, my beloved!
Narrator: For many days, the mean old Witch kept Hanzel and Gretel in cages, feeding Hanzel treats while forcing Gretel to clean her house for her.
Witch: [Stuffing candy into Kuno's mouth] Here! Have some more! Do you like that? Huh? Do you!?
Hanzel: [sweeping the home with a broom] Oh my poor dear brother! Whatever can I do to save him?
Narrator: Things were looking bleak for Gretel and her brother, but then Gretel, who was the smarter though less stable of the two, thought up a plan to trap the old witch!
Witch: [Still stuffing sweets into Kuno's mouth] Ha ha ha ha! Eat all you want, you jerk! Ha ha ha!
Hanzel: [Mouth full] Bud my luv! You need nod play these games of hard to ged! *Gulp* Free me from this cage and we can be united as one! How I yearn to taste those honeyed lips! [Grabs the cage, it electrocutes him] EEEAAAARRRGHH!
Witch: Huh, like I'd let you get out so easy.
Gretel: Oh Witch dear, maybe you could help me with this. [Holds up a cannon cleverly disguised as a cooking pot] I can't see so far into this pot. Could you peek inside and make sure it is hot enough for dinner?
Witch: Huh? Oh sure. [Peeks inside] It seems pretty cold to me.
Gretel: Keep feeling, dear, you might feel some heat now. [Lights the cannon]
Witch: Hey, there's a big ball at the bottom of this thing... AGH!
Gretel: Now Ranma will be all mine you wicked, wicked girl! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
*KABOOM!* [The cannon goes off just as Ranma-chan leaps away. The cannonball slams into Kuno's cage and explodes.]
Gretel: Oh no! Brother dear!
Witch: Are you NUTS!? You coulda hurt someone!
Narrator: Uh... hmm... [consults script] Hmm... Gretel was supposed to throw the witch into a boiling pot... hmm... Ah-ha! Just as the Witch was about to get Gretel, the door swung open, and their heroic father appeared, carrying his sword!
[The Principal flies through the door, carrying his hair clippers.]
Father: Kodachi my little keikei! I be here for you! That woman be you wicked step-mutha, be one very bad keikei! Me think me never see you again but manage to finally track you down! You be tasting my blade, bad step-mutha you!
Witch: Hey! I didn't agree to none of this!
Father: [Slashing at Ranma-chan] Shave it shave it shave it shave it shave it SHAVE IT!
Witch: Help! AAAGH! [Runs off-stage]
Narrator: Uh... and with that, the witch ran away, deep into the forest, and was never heard from again. The brave father saved Hanzel and Gretel, and took them home where they lived happily ever after.
[The Pincipal hugs Kodachi, who is dragging a scorched and unconscious Kuno behind her. While Kodachi isn't looking, the Principal shaves off a few sections of Kuno's hair]
Gretel: Oh father dear! I just knew you would come for me!
Father: That be right my little keikei, poppa ain't nevah gonna leave you again.
Hanzel: Pig-tailed girl... come to me...
[Curtain closes. A second later, Mike walks up on stage.]
Mike: Well, uh, we hope you've enjoyed tonight's production of Hanzel and Gretel, even if it didn't quite fit the bill with the original fairy tale.
Voice: [off-stage] Mike! Gimme those negatives!
Mike: Oh look! My pager just went off! I'm off! Whee! [Runs offstage, a moment later Ranma-chan comes up on stage, searching]
Ranma-chan: No where'd he go to? [A form rises up from the curtain and glomps onto Ranma-chan.]
Voice: Oh, Pig-tailed Girl! I love you!
Ranma-chan: GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT! [Kicks the shape. Hot water suddenly pours down from above]
Ranma: THAT'S HOT! Who did that?
Mike: [From rafters] Ha ha ha! What's the matter, Ranma? Ooh! Look at the pictures! These are the ones Arianna gave me. *Gasp* What are you and Akane -doing-? How scandelous!
Ranma: Hey that ain't funny! Akane and I never did nothing!
Mike: Ha ha ha ha!
Voice: Mike...
[Mike turns, and a mallet flies out and hits him in the face, causing him to crash down to the ground beside Ranma. Akane surveys her work from the rafters.]
Akane: That'll teach you! How dare you drag me into this!
Mike: Heh... heh... Ow... That's all for tonight folks. If I survive we might see each other again.
[Kodachi steps on him on her way to glomp onto Ranma.]
Kodachi: Ranma sweetums! Make me a woman!
Ranma: AAAAAGH!
[Shampoo and Ukyo appear, glomping onto Ranma and fighting over him while trampling Mike.]
Ukyo: Don't even think about it, you hussy! Ranma's mine!
Shampoo: You both is stupid! Ranma make Shampoo real woman!
Mike: Ow ow-ow OW ow ow ow! Get off me! I can't breathe!
[A mallet swings down and clubs Ranma in the head]
Akane: Ranma you jerk! Here I go to all the trouble of helping you and this is how you repay me! Fine! Hang around with them all you want! [starts to stomp away]
Mike: Heh... heh... [pulls rope, the rafter Akane is on falls out from under her.]
Ranma: Akane! [Breaks free of the girls, leaps up and catches Akane in midflight.]
Akane: What did he do that for?!
Ukyo: Hey! No fair picking favorites, Ranma!
Shampoo: You getting Shampoo very angry!
Kodachi: Come back Ranma sweetums!
[They chase Ranma into the sunset.]
Mike: Um... could someone call me an ambulance? Hello? Anyone? I can't move! I think I broke something! I'll try to stand up *Crack Snap!* OOOW!