Ranma: Oh, THAT'S original.

Arianna: Shut up. It actually sounds kind of cool if you talk with a British accent and pronounce it ‘The Curse-ed Prrrince'.

Nabiki: My, my. I wonder who is going to be in the title roll.

Arianna: Ahem. Yes, well, since we already know who the main characters are going to be, let's dispense with the cast listing and just begin the play, shall we?

Akane: Yes, let's.

[Curtain Up]

Narrator(Arianna. Again.): Once upon a time, in a land, far, far, far, far away, there lived a king and queen.

King and Queen(Genma and *gasp!* Nodoka): [Wave]

Narrator: Now, they were good rulers, but rather unhappy, because they didn't have a child to inherit the throne.

Queen: Oh, dear. . . [Pretends to wipe her eyes with a hankie] If only we had a son, I would be so happy.

Narrator: Finally, their wishes came true and they had a lovely little baby boy.

Queen: How nice. ^_^

Narrator: Unfortunately, the baby vanished out of his cradle when he was only six weeks old.

Queen: Oh, that's too bad. Er, I mean. . . oooohhh! [Cries into her handkerchief]

King: There, there. I'm sure we can get a new one.

Queen: [Stares at the King] I BEG your pardon?

Narrator: Heh heh. . . Anyway, the King and Queen grieved their loss for years, and never had another child. One day however, a day that just happened to be their missing son's sixth birthday, he mysteriously reappeared!

. . . . . .

Narrator: Ahem. I said he MYSTERIOUSLY REAPPEARED!!!

Prince(Ranma. No Duh): . . . [walks on the stage, scowling]

Voice from offstage: AAAAAA!!!

[Akane runs onto the stage and snatches Ranma]

Akane: RANMA! What has she DONE to you?

Ranma: [In an unnatural, high-pitched voice] She. . . she CHIBITIZED me!

Narrator: I think you're cute. ^.^

Chibi-Ranma: Well, I don't like it.

Narrator: Just finish the scene and I promise I'll change you back. K?

Chibi-Ranma: Humph.

Akane: You know, it feels like this has happened before. . . [sets Ranma down and walks back offstage]

Queen: My son! Where have you been all this time?

Prince: . . . Can't tell.

Narrator: And, try as they might, the king and queen never could get the prince to tell them where he had disappeared to. Anyway, time passed and the prince grew up into a strong, dashing, handsome, athletic, intelligent young man.

Akane: Hold it, that's not right!!

Narrator: What's wrong?

Akane: Alright, strong, athletic, sure. But dashing?! INTELLIGENT?!

Narrator: Ok. So I embellished a little. But how about handsome?

Akane: [Blushing] Well. . .I. . . I guess, maybe he- - HEY!! Ranma, you JERK, stop spying on me!! *BONK*

Ranma: OW! Uncute tomboy! [retracts his head behind the curtain]

Narrator: Tee hee. Alright, off off. [Shoos Akane offstage.] Anyway, one day, the king met with
an old friend of his, the monarch of a nearby kingdom.

King: Ah, my oldest and dearest friend!

Monarch(Soun) Yes, old friend. How good to see you again after all these years! I was so pleased to hear that your son returned.

King: Yes, well, that was ten years ago, but I appreciate the thought.

Monarch: [tears begin streaming down his face] It would be so wonderful to join our kingdoms.

King: Indeed, it would. So it's agreed. My son will marry your youngest daughter.

Narrator: So, the King went back home to tell his son the good news, and the Monarch went to tell his daughter, the Princess.

Monarch: My dear child, I have wonderful news. You're going to be married!

Princess(Akane) WHAT?!?

King: Ah, there you are, my boy, I have some wonderful news. You're going to be married!

Prince: WHAT?!?

Narrator: Both kingdoms were filled with celebration in preparation of the upcoming nuptials. On the day before she was to travel to the prince's kingdom, the princess went to see her elder sister.

Princess: AAA! I can't believe they're doing this to me!

Sister(Nabiki): Relax, sis. I'm sure everything will work out eventually. [Smirks] And if it doesn't, I'm sure he'll be able to afford a divorce. Don't let him cheat you out of the good stuff.

Princess: Nabiki!

Sister: Sorry. Anyway, sis, there's one more thing before you go. I've heard that this prince has some kind of weird curse or something. They say he vanished as a baby for six years.

Princess: Really?

Sister: Yup. So, if I were you, I'd keep that in mind.

Narrator: So, Princess traveled to the Prince's kingdom to be married.

[Scene: a huge cathedral. Enter the Prince and his parents. The prince is dressed in a white silk, gold-trimmed version of his regular outfit, with a gold sash around his waist.]

Queen: Oh, son, you look so handsome. ^_^

Prince: Uhh. . . thanks, Mom.

King: Remember son. Manly and in-control, that's the way.

Queen: Oh, really? Is it, now?

King: Er, um, well. . . .

Narrator: Then the princess arrived. The prince was immediately struck speechless by her beauty.

Prince: Heh. Don't be ridiculous. An uncute tomboy like her would ne–

[Enter the princess. She's wearing an exotic-looking wedding gown and plenty of jewelry. The gown is a two-piece, with gold edging and a rather tight fit.]

Prince: –ver . . . uh . . . I, er . . . uh . . .w-wow . . . .

Narrator: Like I said. ^_^

Princess: [blushing slightly.] Why are you staring at me like that?!

Prince: [blinks] Huh? I-I wasn't . . . uh . . . .

Princess: What is your problem?!

Prince: I . . . A-Akane, you . . . wow.

Princess: [Still blushing, staring back] Ranma . . . .

King: Alright! Let's get this show on the road! [Shoves the prince and princess together. They don't notice.]

Monarch: Yes, this truly is a momentous occasion. [Picks up the princess's hands and places them in the prince's. They're both still staring at each other and don't notice.] Oh, my little baby girl, all grown up! [Cries]

King: Now, my boy, please repeat after me. ‘I, Ranma Saotome . . . .'

Prince: [Blushing.] Uh . . . ‘I-I, Ranma Saotome . . . .'

King: ‘Take thee, Akane Tendo . . . .'

Prince: ‘Take thee, Akane Te-' [Suddenly snaps back to reality] Hey!! Wait a minute, that's a REAL ceremony!!

King: Now, son–

Prince: Gimme that!!

Princess: DAD!!

Monarch: [Still crying.] We just want you both to be happy together.

Narrator: [Face-faulting] Eerrr. . . so the prince and the princess fell in love at first sight and were happily married.

Prince: No way! NO WAY!! I will NOT marry an uncute tomboy like her! *Bonk!*

Princess: [crying] Ranma, you jerk!!

Narrator: You won't finish the play?

Prince: [Pokes his head up from the Ranma-shaped cavity in the floor] NO!

Narrator: Oh, that's too bad. Especially since. . . .

Princess: [Suspiciously] Especially since what?

Narrator: Well, you see, due to new Theatre policy, the penalty for insubordination is for the stars to be placed separately in a citrus fic with one or more of the Kunos.

. . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . . .

Ranma: AAAAAAAAA!!!

Akane: AAAAAAAAA!!!

[Akane makes a wild lunge for Ranma and throws herself into his arms. He cradles her to himself protectively]

Ranma: You little witch!!

Arianna: Oh, that's original.

Ranma: Don't you DARE put Akane in one of those sadistic prisons!! I'll kill ya!!

[Akane is crying, huddled against Ranma]

Arianna: Hey, it's not my fault, I only play the game . . . .

Ranma: You . . . you . . . you're not really serious, are you?!

Arianna: [Grinning] Of COURSE not, silly! Do you really think I'd put my favorite little bishonen and his bishoujo through the Tenth Hell?

[Ranma and Akane freeze]

Ranma: . . . Someday, I'm coming after you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

Akane: I can't believe you could joke about something like this!!!

Arianna: [Still grinning] You know, you make a really cute couple. This'll look great on a postcard.

Ranma and Akane: Huh? [They suddenly realize they're still holding each other tightly, and spin around just in time to see Nabiki disappear behind the curtain] AUGH!!!

Arianna: Don't worry, guys. If you finish the play, I promise to buy all the copies and negatives of that photo. [Aside] and post them on my website. ^_^ [Aloud] Deal?

Ranma . . . Every copy?

Akane: Including scans and photocopies?

Arianna: Yup.

Akane: Well . . . ok . . . .

Arianna: GREAT!! Anyway, now that we're hopelessly behind schedule, let's move along! CHANGE THE SCENE!!

[Akane watches as the cathedral is yanked up and a bedroom scene is dropped down loudly. One of the fake walls falls on Ranma and squishes him flat. Akane rolls her eyes and walks offstage]

Narrator: Now, as you may recall, the prince and princess had just been married. They lived happily together for several months, but the princess couldn't forget about what her sister had told her.

[Nabiki's voice is heard in a cheap voice-over, i.e., reading her lines again.]

Sister's Voice: I've heard that this prince has some kind of weird curse or something. They say he vanished as a baby for six years. So, if I were you, I'd keep that in mind.

Narrator: Finally, the princess couldn't stand it any longer and decided to ask her husband about his secret.

Princess: [appears, wearing a totally different outfit] Wow. So that's how they change so fast.

Prince: Owie . . . . [Crawls out from under the scenery and plops down on the bed which has just been pushed onstage.]

Princess: [Sits down beside him.] Hey.

Prince: Hey.

Princess: I've heard you're cursed and that you disappeared for six years when you were a baby. What's up?

Narrator: Er. . . obviously, the princess favored the direct approach.

Prince: Er, well . . . .

Princess: Yes?

Prince: I'm not supposed to tell anybody. I was warned that, er . . . line?

Narrator: [Slaps a hand to her forehead] Aahh! [Runs over to Ranma and whispers something in his ear. His face lights up.]

Prince: Oh, yeah! [Narrator runs back offstage as Ranma continues.] I was warned that the people who love me would suffer if I ever revealed my secret.

Princess [Annoyed] So? Then why should *I* care?

Prince: *Winces as if in pain*

Narrator: Ooo, ouch . . . .

Prince: If . . . if you really want me to tell you . . . .

Princess: YES!

Prince: [Still looking kind of hurt] Ok. I'll tell you, but you'll regret it.

Princess: I don't care. Honestly, Ranma! Just tell me!

Prince: O . . . k. When I was a baby, I was kidnaped by a bunch of Amazons and taken to China. They planned to marry me to their princess, but when I was six years old, I fell into a cursed spring that changed me into a girl. They didn't recognize me, and decided to make me into one of their warriors, but I got away.

Princess . . . You mean you're really a GIRL?!?!

Prince: Yes–NO!! No, I'm really a guy! I change back into a guy with hot water, you know that, stupid!!

[The Princess splashes him with a cup of water that just appeared out of nowhere]

Princess: Ranma, you are such a stupid, perverted jerk!!

Prince-chan: You asked!! I just told ya what happened, you unsexy, macho tomboy. I– What's that noise?

[The doors fly open and a troop of Amazons file into the room, led by their Princess]

Amazon Princess:(Shampoo, no duh) Ah ha! So, we find missing warrior-girl AND husband for beautiful Shampoo! Grab her!

[The Amazons pick up Ranma-chan and carry her off, kicking and struggling.]

Princess: Hey! Wait a minute!

Amazon Princess: Ha! Ranma belong to Shampoo now! [Hurries off before Akane can stop her]

Princess: R-Ranma . . . .

Narrator: When the princess realized what she had done, she was distraught. She knew that if she didn't do something, she would lose the prince forever to the Amazons

Princess: What?!

Narrator: Unfortunately, although she searched high and low, she couldn't find her husband anywhere. After months of searching, the princess was heartbroken, convinced that she would never see her husband again, and it was her own fault.

Princess: but . . . I never meant to make him get kidnaped!

Narrator: One lonely night, the princess found she couldn't sleep for thinking about her husband, and finally she got up and went to the window for some fresh air.

[The princess walks to the window, now wearing a black nightgown. She stares out the window sadly.]

Princess: Oh, Ranma . . . I'd give anything to see you again.

Female Voice from Outside: Really?!

Princess: Ack!! Who's there?!

Voice: It's me, stupid! Remember, your ‘stupid, perverted jerk' of a husband?

Princess [Flushing] Well, it's still true, you peeping tom!

Prince-chan: What?! You're on the fourth floor! I'm on the ground! Besides, I thought [Adopts a squeaky, falsetto voice] You'd give anything to see me again! [Voice returns to normal] Isn't that right?

Princess: You . . . shut up. I was just following the script.

Prince-chan: That's fine! I never cared how you felt about me anyway! So are you gonna get me outta this mess or what?!

Princess: How?

Prince-chan: The Amazons will come back to the palace tomorrow, cause I told them you'd challenged their Princess.

Princess: WHAT?!

Prince-chan: If you can defeat the Amazon Princess, they'll have to let me go! Please, Akane, ya gotta help me! These women are nuts!

Narrator: With those words, the Prince vanished into the darkness, leaving the princess pondering her dilemma.

Princess: That JERK!! Volunteering ME to fight for him!

Narrator: But the princess was determined to win her husband back, so the next day she was ready.

[Scene: The courtyard of the princess and prince's palace. The princess stands, wearing an outfit similar to all the others, except rather a lot shorter.]

Princess: This is really embarrassing . . . .

[Enter the Amazon Princess with Prince-chan]

Amazon Princess: So! Violent girl want fight for Ranma!

Princess: Cut the talk, Shampoo, let's just get on with this!

Amazon Princess: As you like. [Turns and whistles shrilly. A dozen or so Amazons suddenly appear behind her.]

Princess: Hey! What's going on?!

Amazon Princess: [smirking] These warrior maidens! Amazon Princess always have warrior maidens fight with her, it tradition!

Princess: That's not fair!

Amazon Princess: Life not fair, honey. ATTACK!!

Narrator: So, the Princess and the Amazons started fighting. The prince wanted to help the princess, but couldn't interfere, or else the fight wouldn't count. So all she could do was watch. However, despite the odds, the princess fought her way through all the Amazons to their princess.
Amazon Princess: You strong fighter. But you no beat Shampoo! Ranma mine now!

Princess: We'll see about that!!

Narrator: So the two fought. But the princess soon found that she couldn't beat the Amazon's speed. Finally, just as it looked like the princess couldn't possibly win . . . .

Amazon Princess: Ha! Shampoo greatest fighter!

Princess: Aw, this is stupid! I'm not going to do this anymore. He's mine, you Chinese Hussy! [Her mallet appears and she turns suddenly and beans Ranma-chan with it. She falls to the ground unconscious. The princess's expression softens.] Sorry about that, Ranma. It's for your own good. [She turns.] Shampoo! We're finished here! *Splash*

Neko-chan: Meow?! Meeoyr?!!

Princess: Serves you right, trying to steal Ranma away from me.

Narrator: So, the Amazon Princess's servants had to take their feline royalty back to their village in defeat. And the princess had won her husband back through the power of true love!

Princess: Uh . . . right . . . . [Looks around, until she sees a kettle of hot water sitting nearby.] Ah!
[The princess fetches the kettle and pours it over the prince, turning him male again, and effectively waking him up at the same time.]

Prince: Ungg . . . Wha? What happened? Why'd you hit me like that?!

Princess: It was for your own good! After I knocked you out I splashed Shampoo and turned her into a–

Prince: No! Don't say it! I understand! Never mind!

Narrator: Naturally, the princess and prince were very happy to be reunited.

Prince: Uh . . . sure . . . [he stands.] So, um . . . I guess you won, huh.

Princess: I . . . guess so.

Prince: Well . . . thanks, I guess.

Princess: Yeah . . . I guess you're welcome.

Prince: I guess . . . .

Narrator: *sigh* This may be a wild guess, but I'm guessing that neither of you paid any attention to the script I gave you for this scene.

Princess: I . . . guess not.

Narrator: *Siigh* I didn't think so. Why do I even bother? They never follow the script. Why do I even do this? Nobody even cares! Nobody ever appreciates my work! All they ever do is play around! It's like I'm talking to myself! [Wanders off backstage, still ranting.]

[The prince and princess watch the director disappear, then suddenly notice she left her script behind. Ranma goes over and picks it up. Akane looks over his shoulder.]

Akane: So, what does it say?

Ranma: Hmm . . . well, you say ‘I'm sorry for getting you into this', and I say ‘It's alright, you got me out of it', blech! How dumb! Lemme see . . . then you say ‘I'm so glad it's over, I missed you so much.' Ha ha ha!!

Akane:[blushing] Shut up!! That's just cheap writing!

Ranma: Sure is! Your next line is ‘I'll never let you out of my sight again!' [Grabs her hand theatrically, making his eyes big.] Oh, Akane!! [Starts laughing again.]

Akane:[blushing deeper.] Shut UP!!

Ranma: Heh heh! And I say . . . [he stops suddenly, blushing.]

Akane: What, what is it? [She snatches the script and reads from it.] ‘Prince: I'll never let you out of my sight either, you're so beautiful, I've always loved you, cue kiss . . . .' [She trails off, face turning red.] Sh-she wrote us a k-kiss?!

Ranma: Um . . . [blush]

. . . . . .

Akane: Well . . . [looks at Ranma] I . . . I suppose it IS our job to finish the play . . . .

Ranma: [Eyes get very large] Wh-what?

Akane: I mean, after all, it's only acting . . . i-isn't it?

Ranma: A . . . Akane . . . .

Akane: Ranma . . . .

[*Snap*]

[Ranma and Akane instantly stiffen]

Ranma and Akane: NABIKI!!!

Nabiki: Oh, don't mind me, kids! Go right on with whatever you were doing!

[The pair onstage runs after Nabiki as she vanishes behind the curtain]

Ranma: AAA!! Come back!! It's not what you think!!

Akane: We were just finishing the play!!

Ranma: We weren't gonna kiss for real!!

Akane: STOP!!

[Hidden in the wings, Arianna lowers her binoculars]

Arianna: Aah, so close. My plan almost worked. If only Nabiki had waited thirty seconds. *sigh* [She pops a piece of Hershey's chocolate into her mouth.] Well, I guess that's all we can offer ya for this time, folks. Before I go, just a couple quick notes. First, thank you, Mike, for helping out last time. I swear I didn't mean to trip you down the stage steps, I just happened to sneeze just then, that's all, honest! Anyway, thanks. And second, I'm not sure exactly who, but SOMEbody has been sticking chewing gum under the auditorium seats. If you know who, please tell me, as I'd very much like to return it to them.
That's it for me! For Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre, this is Arianna! See you next time, everybody, and have your coupons ready!!

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