|
|
[The curtain goes up]
Arianna: Welcome once again, ladies and guys to Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! Today's performance is going to be a real treat.
Voice from offstage: Don't you believe it!
Arianna: Shut up. Today's play is none other than ye olde favourite tale, 'Cinderella'!
Voice from offstage: Boo! Hiss!
Arianna: Shut UP! In the role of Cinderella will be Ranma Saotome.
Voice from offstage: Ranma? [Ryoga's head appears from behind the curtain] You're making RANMA Cinderella?
Arianna: Of course. The part of CinderRanma's evil stepbrothers will be played by Ryoga Hibiki and Mousse.
Ryoga: Wait a minute. StepBROTHERS?
Arianna: So I'm taking a few liberties. Is that a crime?
Ryoga: You really relish making me a villain, don't you.
Arianna: Among other things, yes. The part of the evil stepmother will be played by...er...Kasumi Tendo? [stares at her cast listing] What the heck? Who wrote this?!
Ranma's voice from offstage: She was gonna make it Kodachi! Just ASK her!
Arianna: [scowling] You have absolutely no proof of that! Oh, well. I guess the stepmother is Kasumi, then. The princess is Akane Tendo.
Ranma: A male Cinderella and Akane as a princess. This is bogus. [Akane's mallet hits him in the head] Ow!
Arianna: Alright, alright, that's enough. PLACES, EVERYBODY!
[curtain goes down]
[curtain goes up]
Narrator(Arianna): Once upon a time, there was a young man named CinderRanma.
Ranma: [gives you the chin-up] Yo.
Narrator: Yeah...um...anyway, CinderRanma lived with his evil stepmother...
Kasumi (Stepmother): Hello, there! ^_^
Narrator: Heh heh...and his two evil stepbrothers.
Ryoga and Mousse: [unenthusiastically] That's us...
Narrator: Everybody was constantly ordering poor CinderRanma around.
Ryoga(Rogue): Wash the windows, sweep the floors, scrub the ceilings...
Mousse:(Miscreant) Do the washing, do the mending, do the baking...
Stepmother: And the tapestries and the draperies...they make everything look so cozy, don't you think? ^_^
Narrator: But CinderRanma never complained.
Ranma(CinderRanma): Ya want your scrubbin'? I got your scrubbin' right here!
Narrator: Ahem...CinderRanma, please...
CinderRanma: Fine. but I ain't singin' [shoots a big, fat, fake smile at the audience]
Narrator: Now, one day, a message arrived from the palace. CinderRanma took it up to his evil stepmother at once.
CinderRanma: Here, stepmother. This just arrived from the palace.
Stepmother: Oh, my! The palace! Thank you, Ra..I mean, CinderRanma.
Narrator: The stepmother read the letter carefully and called to her two evil sons.
Stepmother: Rogue! Miscreant! . . . Goodness, those aren't very nice names.
Rogue and Miscreant: Yes, mother?
Stepmother: Look at this letter! There is to be a ball at the palace!
Rogue: Oh. . .that's nice.
Stepmother: It says here that a husband for the princess is to be found!
Rogue: [ears perk up] The princess?
Stepmother: [reading the letter] Oh my, it says every eligible young man in the kingdom is to attend.
CinderRanma: . . . [A director's bullhorn hits him in the head] OW! [rubs his head, glaring offstage] Oh, yay. [dryly] That means that I can go, too.
Miscreant: Don't be foolish, Sao..CinderRanma! There's no way we're letting you go out in public!
Rogue: That's right! You don't deserve to be anywhere near Aka...I mean, the princess.
Stepmother: Now wait just a minute. I don't see why CinderRanma can't go, if he finishes sweeping the stairs first.
CinderRanma: Sweepin' the stairs? ALL of 'em? [facefaults] But there's like fifty staircases in this miserable mansion!!
Narrator: Tee hee...meanwhile, at the castle...
[Scene changes to a huge office.]
King (Soun): Tonight, my daughter will find a husband! [tears start streaming down his face] After all this time, I'll finally have an heir to carry on my royal lineage!
[There is a knock on the door.]
King: Come in!
[The door opens and the King's Advisor enters]
King's Advisor (Tofu): ^_^ You sent for me, your majesty?
King: Yes. Where is my daughter?
King's Advisor: She's-
Disembodied Voice: Standing right behind you.
King's Advisor: -standing right behind me. OH! [He steps aside]
[The Princess enters]
Princess (Akane): You called, daddy?
King: Yes, my daughter. It's very important for you to find a husband at the ball tonight.
Princess: [rolls her eyes] Oh, DADDY! I wish you'd just take it easy. All the men who come to those things are jerks, anyway.
King: [sobbing] Don't SAY that! Please!
Princess: [sighing] Don't cry, daddy. I'm sure everything will turn out fine. I'll try to find a husband at the ball.
King: Oh, thank you, my dear! Thank you, thank you thank you!
Princess: Yeah...*sigh* I'd better go pick out my dress now. Bye. [exit the Princess]
Narrator: The princess wasn't too hot on the idea of getting married. She hated boys. But that didn't dissuade her father. Anyway, by now it was almost time for the ball, but CinderRanma was still sweeping the stairs.
CinderRanma: Rotten, miserable, !&*#*--
Narrator: Ahem.
CinderRanma: [looks up and notices he has an audience. He blushes] Oops.
Stepmother: [enters] Oh, my, you're not finished?
Rogue: No, he's not. Too bad. Let's go. [He hurries Stepmother out of the house with Miscreant close behind]
Stepmother: [waves] Goodbye, CinderRanma! ^_^
CinderRanma: [facefault] Yeah..bye...
Narrator: Now, CinderRanma was left all alone. He wished he could have gone to the ball.
CinderRanma: [muttering] This is totally embarrassing . . .
Narrator: I know. ^_^ CinderRanma was sitting in the corner, wishing he could have gone to the ball, when suddenly there was a loud poof!
*Poof*
CinderRanma; [coughs for a few moments, then squints at the figure in the smoke] What tha-?
Genma Panda: [steps out of the smoke wearing a tiny pair of fairy wings and holding a wand] Gouarre! Rowar rumm raor rawwy grrowor!
CinderRanma: Say what?
Genma Panda: [holds up a sign] 'I am your fairy godfather!'
CinderRanma: WHAT?! Alright, that's IT! I REFUSE to let him be my fairy godmother...father..whatever! NO WAY! [stomps offstage]
Narrator: Uh...heh heh...one moment, please folks...technical difficulties...CURTAIN CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!
[curtain goes down]
Commercial Spokesperson: Are you sick and tired of unwanted guests and relatives overstaying their welcome and talking you to sleep? Wish you could find a way to stop all that mindless drivel? Buy Kodachi Kuno's Magic Sleeping Potion! A few drops in a wineglass ends all unwanted conversations! Look for Kodachi Kuno's Magic Sleeping Potion at fine enchantment stores anywhere in Tokyo!
[curtain goes up]
Narrator; [blank expression] I don't remember authorizing a commercial for...oh, never mind. We're back, folks! Thank you for waiting. We now return you to Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre's production of CinderRanma. Ella. Cinderella. TAKE TWO, YOU GUYS!!
*Poof*
[A figure steps out of the smoke, dressed an a slinky pink dress with much more impressive wings in the back]
CinderRanma: [halfheartedly] Who are you?
Nabiki: [smirking] Why, I'm your fairy godmother, silly!
CinderRanma: Terrific.
Fairy Godmother: Now, now, CinderRanma, don't you want to go to the ball?
CinderRanma: [hopefully] If I say no, can I stay home?
Fairy Godmother: No.
CinderRanma: Rats.
Fairy Godmother: Now, then, let's get you to that ball! [cracks her knuckles] The first thing you'll need is a new wardrobe. [Snaps her fingers. CinderRanma is suddenly dressed in a frilly, puffy pink dress]
CinderRanma: AAA!
Fairy Godmother: [giggling] Oops. Sorry.
CinderRanma: [glaring] Yeah, I'll bet.
Fairy Godmother: Let's try another go-round. [Snaps her fingers again. This time CinderRanma is dressed in a medieval outfit, complete with puffy shorts and pointy shoes]
CinderRanma: [glaring] Not funny, Nabiki.
Fairy Godmother: [laughing] Well, it's the right gender this time. For the moment. But you're right, maybe it isn't exactly you. [Snaps her fingers and CinderRanma is dressed sharply in a black tuxedo]
CinderRanma: [looks himself over] Hmm. Well, it's better than the dress, anyway.
Fairy Godmother: Mm hmm. Now, remember, at the stroke of midnight the spell will be broken and you'll be dressed in your dusty housecleaning outfit again.
CinderRanma: Gotcha.
Narrator: So off went CinderRanma to the ball.
[scene changes to a huge ballroom. The princess is seated in a large throne at one end. She is wearing a gorgeous pale blue dress but looks deathly bored. She yawns loudly.] This is stupid! I'm getting out of here. Father will never notice, he's too busy planning the wedding ceremony. [She gets up and tiptoes towards the door]
Rogue: [to Miscreant] Now's our change to introduce ourselves to the princess!
Miscreant: Huh? [turns towards Rogue, knocking over a water pitcher in the process]
P-chan: Oink oink! Squeee! [scowls]
Miscreant: Oh. Sorry. [he catches sight of a duchess who looks like Shampoo] Shampoo! [he runs off, leaving a POed P-chan to follow him.]
CinderRanma: [enters the palace and walks down the hall towards the ballroom] Yeesh, this is a ritzy place. [He looks around, walking backwards to look up at the chandeliers.] Whoa. Now, where's the ballroom? [He sees the door and reaches for the handle, looking up at a huge tapestry hanging above him as he does so.]
Princess: Now's my chance! [She opens the door. CinderRanma is standing slightly to one side, so the door doesn't hit him. He is still staring up at the tapestry and doesn't notice that the door is open.]
CinderRanma: [eyes widen] What tha-[He looks down and facefaults as he sees that he's missed the door handle and is grasping the Princess's chest instead.] EAUGH!
Princess: [is glowing with fury] WHY...YOU...PERVERT!!!!
CinderRanma: AAA!! No, no! This isn't what it looks like! It was an accident, I tell ya!"
Princess: DIE! [she hits Ranma with her mallet. He face-plants into the floor] That'll teach you to manhandle a girl, you pervert!
CinderRanma [twitches, then scrambles to his feet] Now, look here! I told ya, it was an accident! I was just tryin' to open the door and I didn't see you!
Princess: I ought to-
CinderRanma: Cut it OUT! [He stomps up to the Princess angrily] Will you lay off? I didn't touch your stupid chest on purpose! It ain't appropriate.
Princess: [blinking] huh? Oh, I . . . ok, I guess I forgive you.
CinderRanma: [brightens] Thanks. You're the princess?
Princess: Yup. [proudly] Neat, huh?
CinderRanma: [shrugs] I guess. That's some dress. [murmuring] Wow. Who knew you were actually so cute?
Princess: WHAT did you say?!
CinderRanma: Huh? Oh, I, uh . . .n-nothin'...
Princess: You did too! Tell me what you said!
CinderRanma: I didn't say anything!
Princess: Yes you did! [grabs him by the collar] Tell me!
CinderRanma: Aaa! Fine! I said you were cute, but I take it back now! Trying to rough me up is REALLY uncute! OW!
[the door opens and a bunch of princes and counts pour into the hall]
Prince 1: There she is!
Princess: [pales] Oh no! They found me! Guess I'll have to fight them all off. [blinks as the first prince goes flying]
CinderRanma: [calmly] Sorry, guys, but she's with me. [glance at the Princess. Quietly] D'ya mind, Akane?
Princess: *blink* Are you kidding?
*Thwak, thud, bonk*
[The Princess and CinderRanma are now the only conscious people in the hall.]
CinderRanma: [shyly] So, um...d'ya wanna dance or somethin' . . .?
Princess: Dance? With you?
CinderRanma: [blushing] Well...
Princess: Sure.
CinderRanma: That's ok, I understand . . . huh?
[scene changes to the ballroom again]
Stepmother: Oh, my, I wonder where my two evil stepsons are.
[Rogue and Miscreant walk up to her then. They're both wet and look angry.]
Rogue: Where is she?! What has that fool Ranma done with her?!
Stepmother: [sees the Princess dancing nearby] Oh, my, that looks just like the Princess. [giggles] And her partner looks like CinderRanma. But it can't be him, because he doesn't have a tuxedo.
Miscreant: Are you sure?
Narrator: Suddenly, the clock in the bell tower outside began to peal.
CinderRanma: [pauses, listening] Oh, yeah! I've gotta go home!
Princess: How come?
CinderRanma: Well, er...curfew. Bye!
Princess: Wait! What's your name, Ranm-er, sir?
CinderRanma: It's..aw, I've gotta go!
Princess: Wait! [gives CinderRanma a peck on the cheek. She pulls away, blushing furiously] Um...bye.
CinderRanma: [is also blushing painfully] Yeah. B-bye . . . [he runs off]
Rogue: Wait a minute. WAIT a minute! I thought there was a glass slipper in Cinderella!
Narrator: *Sigh* you wanna try to get Ranma into a pair of glass slippers, do ya? Anyway, CinderRanma went back to his duties and nobody was the wiser.
Stepmother: [walks through the door with the stepsons at her heels. CinderRanma is leaning on his broom by the fireplace. He's in his old clothes and looks rather dazed.] Oh, hello, CinderRanma! Did you have a good time minding the house while we were gone? ^_^
CinderRanma: She . . . she k-kissed me . . .
Stepmother: Um . . . excuse me?
Miscreant: I knew he'd been up to something!
CinderRanma: *blink* Huh? What? OH! S-sorry, I'll get back to work . . . [darts off quickly]
Stepmother: Oh my, how strange.
Rogue: I'm telling you, he's up to something.
Narrator: *giggle* Meanwhile, back at the palace, the princess was still thinking of the mysterious but really hunky guy she had met that night.
Princess: [face is still pink] I wonder what his name was. I have to find him! Where's my father's advisor?!
King's Advisor: [enters] You called, Princess Akane?
Princess: I need to find someone, but I have no idea who he is or where he lives.
King's Advisor: I see. Well, why don't you just travel the kingdom, asking for the young men in every home to appear before you? I'm sure you'd recognize him.
Princess: What a good idea! I will!
Narrator: So the next day, the Princess did just that. She nearly regretted it after being groped several times, but she was intent upon finding CinderRanma.
[The Princess walks up to a large manor. She walks up to the door and knocks. No one answers she knocks again.]
Voice from inside: Where IS that miserable CinderRanma?
2nd voice from inside: Don't worry, I'll be happy to get the door. ^_^ [the door opens] Oh, my it's a beautiful princess! What can we do for you?
Princess: Um . . . do any single young guys live here?
Stepmother: Oh my, yes. My two sons. Rogue! Miscreant! The Princess is here!
[There is the sound of footsteps, then Rogue skids into the room, followed by Miscreant]
Rogue: Princess! I, er, what a pleasant surprise!
Princess: [nods absently, looking them over] No. [sounds disappointed] They aren't who I was looking for. Anybody else?
Stepmother: Well . . .
Disembodied voice: Hey, what's goin' on?
[A figure walks into the room. It's a silhouette, basically, with a pair of blinking eyes]
Stepmother: Oh, my! What happened to you!
Figure: [grumpily] I was cleanin' the chimney. [notices the Princess] Oh, hi.
Princess: Ran . . .ma?
Figure: Huh?
Princess: Is that you? Wait! I know! [runs over to him. He lets out a little gasp as she takes a handkerchief and wipes his face off] I knew it! It IS you!
Rogue: Don't be silly! Th-that's just Cinders, the chimney sweep!
Princess: Oh, yeah? Well, look at this! [she brushes back CinderRanma's hair to reveal a bruise on his forehead] See? I knew it was him! I gave him this with my mallet!
CinderRanma: Ha! You're goin' DOWN, Bacon Breath!
Rogue: Why you-! I oughta- [Miscreant trips him]
Miscreant: Stop! If Ranma chooses Akane, then I'll be able to marry Shampoo!
Rogue: Oh yeah? [glares at Miscreant] Well, he'll also break her heart!
Miscreant: He'll . . . [scowls] I can't allow that to happen! DIE, Saotome!
CinderRanma: Oops. [he grabs the princess and hurries off.]
[The scene changes to outside. Rogue and Miscreant run off, shouting at Ranma. CinderRanma and the Princess are sitting on the roof of the manor.]
CinderRanma: HA! Serves them right.
Princess: I can't believe I found you that easily.
[CinderRanma smiles and shrugs. The Princess smiles at him]
Princess: So, um . . . what's your name?
CinderRanma: Huh? Oh. I'm . . . CinderRanma.
Princess: *giggles* I just wanted to hear you say it.
CinderRanma: Humph. [sticks his tongue out at her and prepares to march off in a huff.]
Princess: [hugs him from behind] Aw, don't be mad. I think you make a nice Cinderella.
Er, CinderRanma.
CinderRanma: [pauses for a moment, then turns slowly] Really?
Princess: [blushes] Yeah.
CinderRanma: [smiles] Well . . . you make a nice Princess. I mean . . .
Princess: Thanks.
CinderRanma: [smiles] Yeah.
Narrator: So, the Princess and CinderRanma lived happily ever after. ^_^ As will you, provided nothing unforeseen happens to cut your happiness short. Tune in next time, same place and whatever time you find convenient. Until then, this has been a production of the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre! BYE!