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[The curtain opens. Silence for several seconds as no one steps on-stage. Suddenly a big guy with short hair and a goatee is tossed up on stage. He picks himself up, dusts himself off and stares wide-eyed at the audience.]
Mike: [Laughs a nervous Ryoga-like laugh] Hi! Um... Tonight, ah, the Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre is proud to bring you this reproduction of the classic English Fairy Tale, Jack and the Beanstalk. I'm Mike Wallace, please don't confuse me with the old guy from 60 Minutes. Arianna Vesle is a bit under the weather tonight, so she's asked me, a complete stranger who has very little understanding of where I am or what I'm doing to produce and narrate the play tonight. First of all, the part of Jack will of course be played by Ranma Saotome!
[Ranma is shoved up on stage.]
Ranma: Yeah yeah I'm going already.
Mike: Now then, the part of Jack's Mother will be played tonight by Cologne.
[Cologne leaps up on stage and sits on Mike's head.]
Cologne: Oh, now look at the lovely audiance.
Mike: I'M NOT A STEP STOOL YOU WALKING SLAB OF BEEF JERKY! *POW!*
[Falls to the ground, unconscious. A moment later, Arianna walks onto the stage holding tissues and wrapped in a blanket, stares at Mike, then to the crowd.]
Arianna: Right. Well then, *cough cough!* to continue. The part of the old man who sells Jack the beans will be played by... *achoo!*... Happosai...
[Happy leaps up on stage, his arms opened up.]
Happosai: HACHA MAMMA! COME TO HAPPY, CUTIE-PIE!
Arianna: AGH! Get away!
[Mike sits up at the last moment and Happosai clomps onto the back of his head.]
Mike: Where am I?
Happosai: Oh Ari-chan! When did you get so hairy?!
Arianna: EEK! YOU PERVERT! [Pulls out a mallet and slams Happosai (while accidentally hitting Mike)] Oh... oops. Heh. Sorry Mike.
[In classic Ranma recovery style, Mike stands right up.]
Mike: ARE YOU NUTS!?! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! *POW!*
Arianna: Don't shout at me! Now then! The part of the singing Harp shall be played tonight by ah-ah-ACHOO! Akane Tendo!
Akane and Ranma: *WHAT?* [Akane's head appears from off-stage, staring at Ranma who's onstage. They blink at each other, faces blank]
[Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi all stick their heads out over Akane's]
Shampoo: Why you always picking her!?
Ukyo: I'm the cute one! I should be playing the singing harp!
Kodachi: Ridiculous! I'm the one with the delightful singing voice! OOH HOO HOO HOO HOO!
[All three start fighting and disappear off stage.]
Arianna: The part of the Goose who lays the golden eggs will be played by Mousse, as Muu-muuchan!
Voice Off Stage: NO! I WON'T DO IT! I WON'T LAY ANY GOLDEN EGGS! I'M A GUY! A *GUY!*
[Shampoo pulls Mousse from off stage, who is digging his nails into the ground]
Shampoo: Stupid Mousse! You is only one look like goose around here! No can have egg-laying Cat!
Mike: [Picks up Mousse and whispers in his ear] You wouldn't actually be laying them, a guy I knew from another theatre tried it once, he couldn't sit down for days. Just hide a bunch of gold-colored eggs on your wings or something!
Mousse: Oh, yeah. You're right. [Shampo douses him with water] Quack! Quack!
Shampoo: Stupid duck.
Mike: [Turns towards Shampoo] WHAT ARE YOU SPLASHING ME WITH WATER FOR YOU DITZY AMAZON!?! *POW!*
Arianna: [Slaps forehead] Why did I ever ask him to help out? ANYWAYS, like I was saying before, the final part in tonight's play will be the evil Giant, played by Tatewaki Kuno *cough cough!*
Akane: *Kuno* is going to be the giant? Oh no...
Kuno: [Appears from nowhere, putting his arm around her] Ah my love Akane Tendo! How I doth burn to play upon the harpstrings of your heart! Come with me my love! Let us make wonderful music together! *KAPOW!*
Akane: STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU JERK!
Arianna: Okay, places everyone! This is turning into a circus, honestly. [She grabs Mike's collar and drags him off stage] Wake up! You have to do the narration tonight since I've got a cold!
[Curtain falls, then rises]
Narrator: Ugh... what hit me? Oh! Okay, right. Ahem! Once upon a time in a small village there lived a boy named Jack lived with his mother, who for reasons obvious to those who live in low-income housing in fairy tales, does not have a name. One day, Jack's mother asked Jack to take their only thing of worth, which happened to be a cow, into the village and sell it for food. Why they didn't just eat the cow is like asking why Ranma never stayed at Jusenkyo to look for a cure.
Jack: Shut up man!
[Cologne comes on stage, pulling Mr. Panda, who's dressed like Mr. Cow.]
Mother: Son-in-law, I'm afraid we've no more money to eat, you must take our cow into the village and sell it for money.
Mr. Cow: [Sign] Why do I have to be the cow?
Jack: Sell the cow, huh? No problem. Let's go pop.
Mr. Cow: [Sign] I don't wanna!
[Ranma pulls on Mr. Cow's collar, and they get into a fight, kicking and punching, until Cologne whacks Mr. Cow over the head and knocks him out.]
Mother: There you are son-in-law, he should be no trouble from now on.
Narrator: Jack was sadly taking his beloved pet cow to the village when he happened to run into an old man.
[Happosai walks onstage, carrying a bag.]
Old Man: Heh ho, what's this? A poor young man and his cow!
Jack: Huh, what do you want, old freak?
Narrator: The old man asked for Jack's cow, and in return, he'd give him three magical beans.
Old Man: That piece of merchandise you're carrying, could I interest you in a trade?
Jack: Huh, what do you want for him?
[Happosai reaches into his bag and pulls out three magical... uh... panties]
Old Man: I've got these beauties right here!
Jack: NO WAY! I'M NO PERVERT!
Narrator: HEY! OLD GOAT! THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BEANS!
Old Man: Now what kind of self-respecting man goes around carrying beans?! What's wrong with panties?!
Jack: I ain't taking those!
Old Man: How's about four panties? Is that a deal?
Jack: NO WAY!
Narrator: The old man tried three times to sell Jack the... ugh... beans... but Jack simply wouldn't have take them. Then the old man told Jack a secret.
Old Man: You don't get it, do you, Ranma? These aren't your ordinary panties! They're magical panties!
Jack: Magical underwear. Yeah right.
Old Man: Hmm... well if you won't take the panties, how'd you like a BRA!? [Happosai splashes Ranma]
Jack-chan: AGH! You stupid old man! I'm supposed to be a guy right now!
Old Man: You can't go wearing a bra as a boy! Only a girl could fill this wonderful clothing! [Happosai leaps at onna-Ranma] Cowabunga! *POW! CRACK! KAPOW!*
[Happosai falls to the ground unconscious and Ranma-chan digs into his bag. Finding the beans, Ranma-chanleaves Mr. Cow and Happosai behind]
Jack-chan: Ya old freak. Can't you think of anything else?
Narrator: Jack returned home quickly to show his mother the magical beans, but when he arrived, she became angry with him for selling their cow for three measly little beans.
Jack: Hey old ghoul, I'm home- *POW!*
Mother: How can you possibly expect us to live off of three beans?
Narrator: The old mother was so angry she took the beans and threw them out the window, and sent Jack to bed without his supper.
Mother: [Throws the beans out the window] No ramen for you tonight!
[Curtain drops, then rises]
Narrator: When Jack awoke the next morning, he found that a HUGE beanstalk had grown where Jack's mother had thrown the beans last night. Without waking his mother up, Jack decided to head up the beanstalk, as doing unusually stupid things is the past time of all fairy tales. Like what kind of woman would live in a SHOE? A SHOE PEOPLE! COME ON! Ugh... Anyway. Jack climbed the beanstalk.
Jack: Geez, built this thing kind of high, didn't you? [Starts climbing]
Narrator: Jack climbed and climbed, he climbed all day until the village was far below him and the clouds floated around him. He climbed until he reached the top, where he saw amongst the clouds a gigantic castle!
[Ranma pulls himself up to the top of the beanstalk, wheezing]
Jack: Did you have to make it this big?
Narrator: Yes. Now, Jack, being curious, decided to explore the huge castle, and when he went inside, he saw that not everything was as it should be. Everything was gigantic!
[Ranma walks by gigantic sandles, enormous hand fans, and a gigantic picture of the Pig-Tailed Girl]
Jack: Why do I not like where this is going...
Narrator: Jack suddenly smelt something delicious, and he looked up to see an enormous table covered with gigantic food! It was all there beckoning to him, and Jack was so hungry he couldn't resist.
[Ranma climbs up the leg of the table and starts biting down on gigantic pieces of rice, which he immediately spits out.]
Jack: Blech! This stuff is all carboard!
Narrator: Duh. You think rice gets that big? Now, while Jack was busy eating, he suddenly heard a beautiful singing voice from nearby.
[Akane's humming voice is heard from offstage.]
Jack: You call *that* singing? [A mallet flies out and clubs Ranma over the head.] OW!
Akane's Voice: YOU JERK!
Narrator: Drawn more to the beautiful voice than the food, Jack wandered across the table until he found the source of the voice, a beautiful girl who's body was that of a harp!
Jack: Akane? [He walks around a big apple and sees a figure just in the shadows] Is that you?
Voice: Ran-MA Darling! [Kodachi leaps out and clomps onto Ranma, wearing a black gown with a heavy metal guitar strapped to her back.] You've come to save me!
Voice2: Hey! Get your hands off him you hussy! [Ukyo leaps out of nowhere, waving her spatula around, she's in a blue dress with a saxaphone strapped to her back.] Ranma's mine!
Voice3: You get hands off! Shampoo here first! [Shampoo appears from thin air and clomps onto Ranma, wearing a purple dress with a drum on her back. The three start fighting.]
Jack: Ugh... Come on! Cut it out! *SPLAT!* [Ranma gets a face full of egg yolk from a gold-painted egg.] UGH!
[Muu-muuchan flies around in circles about Ranma, throwing golden eggs.]
Muu-muuchan: QUACK QUACK!
Narrator: Mousse! Get off the stage you're not in this scene! [Mike appears with a cage and catches Mousse in it, then runs back off stage, pulling the swirling dust cloud of Ukyo, Kodachi and Shampoo with him.]
Narrator: Ahem! Now then, Jack followed the sound of the singing to the center of the table, where he found the beautiful girl with the body of a harp, and beside her was a goose who to Jack's surprise was laying eggs of pure gold!
[Ranma comes to the center of the table where Akane stands, wearing a gold gown and a gold harp coming off her back. She has her hands cupped up in prayer and her face is sad. Muu-muuchan sits beside her in a cage, surrounded by gold eggs]
Jack: Uh... [sees Akane] Akane... you...
Harp: [Looking up] Oh! Please save me! You must help me to escape before the evil giant comes back! Please hurry!
Jack: [Running his hands along the harp's cords] Hey, is this harp really growing out of your back?
Harp: [Giggling] Ha ha ha ha! *POW!* Stop it! That tickles!
Narrator: So awe-struck by the girls beauty that Jack fell deeply in love with her.
Jack: Hey, don't go getting into that stupid mushy stuff, or I'm outta here.
Harp: Like I'd wanna hang around with a poverty-striken jerk like you!
Narrator: Ahem! Just as Jack was about to help the singing Harp escape he heard a thundering booming from all around him. [The ground begins to rumble and shake.]
Jack: Woah! What the heck is that?
Harp: Oh no! He's coming back! Hide!
[Ranma hides just as a fifty foot tall Kuno appears and sits at the table.]
Giant: FE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF- AKANE TENDO!
Harp: Oh no...
[The gigantic Kuno looms over Akane, grinng.]
Giant: AH IT IS MY VIRTUOUS AKANE TENDO! Oh my love, play your music and let me hear with my own two ears how you love me!
Harp: I'd rather kiss a fish.
Narrator: Jack was frightened, but he had to help the Harp escape from the evil Giant!
Jack: Great, now how am I gonna get that overgrown idiot away from her? Hmm... [Looks over, sees a big glass of water] Ah-ha...
[Kuno picks up Akane and is trying to press gigantic lips to Akane's head, and Akane is shoving back, her hands planted on his chin and pushing his head away from her.]
Giant: My lub! Come and kith these lips and learn the endless passions that await you!
Harp: AAAAGH! Don't you dare!
Voice: Oh Kuno darling! Yoo-hoo!
[Kuno's eyes widen and he relinquishes Akane for the moment.]
Giant: Could it be?
Jack-chan: Over here, Kuno darling! It's me! [Ranma-chan leaps up and down on a big bowl of jell-o, wearing a silky pink dress.]
Giant: FE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF THE PIG-TAILED GIRL! [He lunges for Jack-chan, who leaps up over his hand and starts running up his arm, into his kimono.] Where did you go my petite beauty? Huh? HA HA! HA HA HA HA! [Kuno grabs his sides and falls to the floor, giggling] WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Pig-tailed girl! WAH HA HA HA HA! Stop it! WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA! You're tickling me! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Harp: [Looking down at Kuno from the table] Oh brother. [Jack-chan leaps up from Kuno's thrashing arms and lands beside her.]
Jack-chan: Geez! That was scary!
Harp: Just what kind of pervert are you?
Jack-chan: Hey stupid! You think I enjoy even being near him? Who do you think I'm doing this for?
Harp: [Surprised] I...
Jack-chan: Let's just get out of here before he gets up!
Narrator: Having... uh... *distracted* the giant, Jack picked up the Harp and grabbed the goose that laid the golden eggs.
Jack: [Dousing himself with hot water from an old brass kettle] Hold on!
Harp: [Climbs onto Ranma's back] Okay...
Jack: Come on, goose-boy! [He kicks the cage open and Muu-muuchan flies out, quacking angrily]
Giant: WAH HA HA HA HA! Oh Pig-Tailed Girl your touch tingles my skin! Huh? Where did she go?
Jack: Hey Kuno! [Sticks his tongue out at the Giant.] Nyah nyah!
Giant: Huh? Ranma Saotome?! YOU DEPRIVED LECHER! BRING AKANE TENDO BACK TO ME THIS INSTANT!
Narrator: Carrying the harp, Jack ran from the Giant, he ran out of the castle and started to climb quickly down the beanstalk, the Giant in hot persuit. For any of you wondering how a fifty-foot tall giant couldn't catch up with a six inch boy, please leave now, you have no imagination and aren't welcome here.
Harp: Hey's gaining on us!
Jack: Why don't you loose the harp piece? Aren't you heavy enough!? *POW!* Ow! Cut it out! You want me to save you or not!?
Harp: If thats the way you feel then I don't want to be saved by you!
Jack: Geez! Who do you think I'm doing this for? You think if I was just after the stupid goose I'd be risking my neck trying to save you?
Harp: R-Ranma...
Giant: [Swinging a huge bokken] Come back here, Saotome!
Narrator: Down, down, down went Jack with the Harp on his back, and when he reached the bottom, he quickly took his ax and cut down the beanstalk before the Giant could reach the bottom.
[Jack lands on the ground and sets down the Harp. He cracks her knuckles and faces the beanstalk]
Jack: Yeah, right, stand back and watch me work! KATCHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN! [Ranma chops the beanstalk apart with his fists.]
Giant: [Wobbling on the beanstalk] WOAH! AAAGH!
Jack: HIYAH! [With a final hit the beanstalk snaps and falls] TIMBER! Ha ha ha ha!
Narrator: The giant fell to the ground and hit with a mighty thud that reverberated throughout the land.
Giant: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! *THUD!*
Narrator: After that, Jack used the goose that laid the golden eggs to become the richest man in all of England, and he and the Harp, who were in love, were married.
Harp and Jack: MARRIED?
[Soun and Mr. Cow appear on stage, carrying wedding outfits.]
Soun: That's the way, you have my blessings.
Mr. Cow: [Sign] Oh happy day.
Harp: Dad! You're embarassing me!
Jack: C'mon pop! Get outta here! This isn't the time to be messing around with junk like that!
Narrator: Ahem. Anyway, Jack and the Harp got married. The fact that she had a harp growing out of her back was well, certainly rectifiable with a quick stop to Jusenkyo, China. The end.
Jack: No way I'd marry an uncute tomboy like her! She's got a harp sticking out of her back! It's like some weird growth thing!
Harp: I couldn't care less! You can keep your stupid goose!
Jack: Huh. Fine with me.
Harp: Same here!
Giant: [Standing and rushing at Akane] Oh Akane! Come into my arms!
Jack: *POW!* BUTT OUT!
Arianna: Well that certainly seemed like a rushed ending.
Mike: [Shrugs] Feh. What am I, Mother freakin' Goose? None of these fairy tales make sense to me. Twisted, that's all they are. Mother Goose should've stopped licking the green stuff that grew under her front porch. Just twisted. [Leaves]
Arianna: Uh... well! That's all for Anything Goes Fairy Tale Theatre tonight folks! I hope you'll stop by again some time!
[Curtain closes, leaving the stage empty except for Kuno's leg which sticks out from under the curtain. A moment later someone drags him back stage.]